


Thought I Could Leave You

by Vosueh



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Attempted Sex, Biting, Bloodplay, Cunnilingus, Edgeplay, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/F, Face-Sitting, Finger Sucking, Guilt, Healing, I feel like I should mention there's no dicks, Jasper feels hella bad at the end though, Knee Fucking, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Obsessive Behavior, Overstimulation, Painplay, Power Play, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Fisting, chapter six is just consensual rough sex, jaspis - Freeform, kinda a plot happening?, kinda want this unhealthy relationship to heal, might write another chapter or two?, only in the second chapter though, post Alone at Sea, ref to Jasper's feelings of abandonment, second chapter gets way worse, that's when actually healing happens, they have fun with it, third chapter gets way better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:53:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 68,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7979050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vosueh/pseuds/Vosueh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To cope with centuries of being in a mirror, Lapis wanted someone to take prisoner and abuse.<br/>And to cope with being abused by Lapis, Jasper wants someone to dominate.<br/>Mutually, they broke one another. But by staying together, perhaps they don't have to stay broken alone. There's a reason they can't quite leave one another, and it goes beyond the abuse. Whatever it is, it put the question up to debate: are they something that can heal and learn to become healthy, or will they fall apart trying?</p><p> </p><p>  <i>**Chapter one and two both contain non-con, and chapter three contains reference and recovery from non-con situations. The first chapter is Jasper on Lapis, and the second chapter is Lapis on Jasper. You've been warned.**</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> I ship them both abusively and consenting so here have an abuse fic.  
> Would actually like to have these two heal tbh, but for now the suffering must ensue
> 
>  
> 
> _edit: as of chapter 3 this is no longer an abuse fic. skip to there if you wanna skim over the non-con; it basically all that takes place in chapter 1 and 2_

The scratching, the hitting, the yelling, the bruises-- she never did anything that the Quartz couldn't handle. After all, Lapis would never poof her body, for she rather preferred leaving it trailed with abuse from all her efforts of keeping Jasper subdued in the realm of Malachite. And tragically, for Jasper, it took a lot to subdue a Quartz.  


But they weren't Malachite anymore. They were simply, and unfortunately, just Jasper and Lapis. And without her sly water tricks and sheer mental strength she held over Jasper in Malachite, Jasper could easily usurp her position as the dominate gem. If only it were that easy. Rather, here she was, resorting to petty stalking and begging for Malachite again, to feel Lapis's own power through their fusion when Lapis’s dainty azure hands contracted violently around her neck, when she met her fist against the hard edge of the Quartz's jawline...  


The thoughts ran a cold shiver down Jasper's spine as she pushed her back flat against the outside of barn house she knew to find Lapis at. Peridot was gone, in company of Steven or Amethyst she assumed, which was all well and good. Since the initial rejection at the boat, this would be the fourth confrontation, for the Quartz learned to target the water gem when no one’s around. Lapis told her to leave her alone, and often resorted to force to keep the Quartz away. It had worn Jasper's already thin patience, and just the idea caused her to finally suck in a breath before barging through the barn entrance with thinning tolerance fading off her angry features.  


"Lazuli!" Her assertion was straight-cut and lined with aggression, causing the startled blue gem to drop the book she had at hand and jump to her feet in defense, second nature telling her to fear the voice she had grown too familiar with. But she smothered that notion, as Lapis straighten both her expression and posture to sight of the approaching Quartz, assuming she only came to plead. When Jasper is trying to appease her, there was no risk for injury-- but a trickle of fear still tighten and creased the water gem's brow in discomfort, for Jasper has never confronted her with such... Anger.  


"I told you not to come back here, Jasper." She hissed as the Quartz stopped a few feet away, glaring down with unreadable irritation drawing her plump lips back to flash her canines. Lapis's attitude had exhausted whatever nice front the bigger gem had tried approaching her with before, and rather than dropping to her knees and pitifully begging like one too many times before, Jasper slammed her weight unexpectedly into the very much smaller gem. It sent her flying back, caught off guard and unable to summon her water wings to catch herself, and thus unceremoniously smacking down back first onto the old barn wood, crying out in the rush of pain jolting through the core of her gem.  


"You don't get to talk to me like that anymore, brat." Jasper growled, not bothering hiding the tinge of excitement glazing over her eyes as she watched the momentary pain capture the delicate features of Lapis's face, twisting to stifle the end of a cry into a groan. "What...is the meaning of this?" The water gem broke out tensely, with a weaker voice than before as she gathered to her feet with a stumble to readjust after the sudden hit. Seeing her recover reminded Jasper back to when the smaller gem would crumble before her so easy, staying down and submissive like back on the Homeworld ship. She shifted her weight onto a hip as she twisted out a slight grin to the other gem's question, amused with how bold the smaller gem has come to be.  


"Oh, thought I'd be on my knees for you again? Sorry for the disappointment, Lazuli." The Quartz sneered as she approached to close the gap between the two once again, flashing more and more of her teeth as her grin grew further back watching the speckles of fear she had long missed play vaguely on the water gem's expression. Yet it's been all too long since Lapis had felt Jasper's control, and she had become too accustomed to being the one asserting herself over the Quartz-- so in a blunt motion, a burn of anger churned in Lapis and sent a jolt through her to throw her tighten fist into the bottom jaw of her looming aggressor. Jasper's head was tossed back with the unexpected momentum, but the rest of her body didn't follow. Instead she remained frozen before the smaller gem with her face towards the ceiling, genuinely surprising to the resistance. She swallowed dryly at that realization-- how pathetic of herself to let Lapis think she can deny her like this. To let her take advantage in Malachite, to let her use her to vent centuries of pain and aggression upon. And when she slowly brought her head back to eye the blue gem, she saw Lapis's stance had solidified boldly with whatever fear had play across her expression replaced with hateful defiance. All it took was that single hit to restore Lapis's whole confidence that she had subdued the Quartz once more, and rather than her usual submission, Jasper growled as she returned the favor full-force with the clench of every sculpted muscle sending her fist into the cheek of the tiny gem, satisfied at the pitiful yelp Lapis broke out when she was sent across the barn, only to have her throw ceased by the wall with a splintering smack. Lapis dropped to her knees and just barely caught herself with her hands, choking as her blood flavored her mouth and dripped from her lip. When her head shot up, Jasper saw that fear again. It warmed her core to see the slim gem collapsed, reaching a hand to her already swelling cheek, and regarding Jasper with that familiar dread. Suddenly, the Quartz closed in on her again, and the water gem's shoulders jumped.  


"No! Stay back-" Lapis began but was cut off when a large hand gripped around her own, and jerked the small gem up to hang by her arm. The dead weight of her shaken body pulled through her shoulder, and Lapis winced as she was forced to meet the narrowing eyes of the huge Quartz. Jasper merely snickered at the change of power. "Come on brat, you can take a few hits. You certainly have no problem giving them."  


An unexpected smack sounded as the Quartz sent her free arm across to strike Lapis close-fisted against her jawline, silencing the scream that would've came when her lips parted in pain. The very force, although much weaker than her first punch, still speckled flying droplets of blood from Lapis's mouth against Jasper's large forearm, of which was still holding the blue gem up with a single hand.  


Once more did she strike, but this one from under to throw Lapis's head up with her body falling back, as the Quartz suddenly released her grip to drop the blue gem on her feet. Of course, Jasper had no expectations for Lapis to actually catch herself, and offered her own support by catching the gem up and against the wall by another large hand, this time around her waist.  


Limply, as the force was enough to break a human's neck, Lapis rolled her head forward, miserably facing the floor while she awaited the next hit. But instead, she was met with more taunting words.  


"Not so fun on the receiving end, now is it? Maybe I should beat you down until you're poofed into nothing but a meager gemstone. That'll be fun, right brat?" The larger gem threatened with amusement lacing her voice at her very own suggestion of poofing Lapis. The latter snapped her head up with a look of bewildered terror, raising her voice once more with the Quartz. "I never did more than what you could handle! I've never even came close to poofing you, not once!"  


Lapis argued as if there was something to defend about her actions, but the truth was evident that it wasn't as if she actively avoided poofing Jasper, but rather Jasper was too durable to easily poof. She could vent all her hatred onto the Quartz without the slightest worry it would dissipate her form, because she knew Jasper was built for taking hits. Lapis, on the other hand... She could easily poof right now if Jasper decided to tighten the hand she held around her slender waist, just enough to break her form in half without even using all her strength.  


"I'd say it's fair, isn't it Lazuli? You took everything out on me, so now I take everything out on you. You saying I don't deserve that satisfaction after what you put me through?" Her voice softened as if it wasn't a dead-end question, almost mocking in a way.  


Dread began to claw at the inside of Lapis's throat, and her mouth felt dry save for the faint blood. She didn't want to be poofed, hell, she'll do anything to not be poofed and leave her gem to Jasper's will. Especially, considering the last time she poofed, she ended up taken advantaged of and trapped in a mirror for centuries. Her eyes just barely began to water in self-despair, blurring her vision of the larger gem pinning her to the wall.  


"Jasper, d-don't. You'd poofed me long before you're satisfied; I'd have to regenerate at least a dozen times before you're done taking it out on me." Lapis meekly stuttered, feeling the warmth of the large hand circled around her waist began to grip into her soft flesh.  


Jasper frowned at that. Lapis was right, it wasn't realistic for the Quartz to think she wouldn't have to stretch this out over sessions spaced by Lapis's regenerations. She clenched her jaw and ground against her canines, too irritated to admire the way Lapis started to eye her teeth in worry. Jasper wanted to make Lapis hurt. She wanted in now, uninterrupted, and merciless.  


Her eyes trailed to where her hand held against Lapis's waist. Jasper could feel the small gem tense under her grip, and occasionally shiver whenever said grip faltered.  


Lapis was absolutely terrified.  


And that wasn't enough for Jasper.  


Her free hand joined her other at the top of the water gem's hip, and in one fluid motion, the Quartz had turned her to the open floor and pushed her down with a twist, landing Lapis on her already sore back. Before the smaller gem could protest, or even bring her arms up against the Quartz, Jasper had come down to settle herself straddling Lapis's hips, careful to drop enough of her weight down to be a threat but not enough to make the pressure unbearable. She pressed one of Lapis's hands effortlessly above her head, while bringing her other large palm once more against the flesh of the small gem's abdomen, smirking when she noticed her own wrist had a circumference bigger than Lapis's waist.  


"H-Hey! Stop it!" The blue gem protested, free hand going to grip Jasper's wandering one to try and halt her. "What are you trying to do!?" Lapis managed to get out with thinly hidden fear. She felt the Quartz's large, heavy hips shift around absentmindedly over her own. It burrowed a hole of anticipation in Lapis's stomach, but she didn't want to acknowledge what scattered assumptions she could gather from Jasper's actions.  


"I was just thinking, you're right about the poofing thing," the Quartz dulled out with eerie indifference, until her large hand settled at Lapis's waist jerk up and out of the small blue hand trying to hold it down, only to tug and toy with a strap holding up Lapis's top. In a single motion, she tore it and ripped the fabric clean across, leaving the gem below her to gasp at the sudden chill of her bare chest being exposed. "...So I figured I'd just take this out on you in a different way." When she finished this time, her eyes were alight and locked on the smooth azure skin of the small shivering gem beneath her. Lapis had tried to cover herself with her one hand, but it was quickly smacked away by a larger one.  


"You can't do this! I never did ANYTHING close to this in Malachite!" Her voice was wavered with the edge of a cry, and Lapis didn't bother hiding it. She dreaded what the Quartz intended on doing with her as revenge.  


"I can't? Really. Because it already looks like I am, and you're not going to stop me," her hand shot up to grip the sides of the small gem's face and yank her closer to her own as she continued, "because you're not gonna like what happens if you try."  


When her grip released Lapis, her head fell back down with a whimper. Rather than return to her waist, Jasper brushed experimentally across the smaller gem's exposed chest, and ravished in the bright blue blush it painted on Lapis's face. So she did so again, this time purposefully dragging her thumb over the harden flesh of a tiny nipple. The blue gem turned her face away in embarrassment, shivering as she bit her lip at the deep chuckle she heard at her reaction.  


Jasper thought it was hilarious. Slaps, punches, and scratches won't do anything more than skin-deep, but all it took was a little touching in the right spots to turn Lapis into a flushed, shuddering mess.  


Pushing it further, she engulfed one of Lapis's breasts completely in her hand, and gave it a harsh squeeze. It only served to make the small gem under her jump with a yelp of surprise, defensively using her free hand to grasp Jasper's wrist and try to pull her hand off, without much success. The Quartz growled at her protest and sank her weight down on Lapis's hips punishingly, making her squirm in discomfort.  


"I said not to stop me. Don't try to pull my hand away, brat." The Quartz growled out and ground her hips down harder to further the punishment, watching the small gem suck in a pained breath to the awful weight on her.  


"Please get off me. Please Jasper, it's unbearable. You're too heavy, stop it, I can't take this--" A small voice gasped out mindlessly, only half focused on the actual words she was using to plead with Jasper. The weight threatening her physical form wouldn't have been so much of a problem if it wasn't for the slight dampness Lapis felt seeping through from Jasper's clothed groin, pressing down on her hips, somewhat faint yet disturbingly present.  


Jasper was... getting off on this.  


Her train of thought was cut short when Lapis's breast got gripped down on mercilessly to counter her small blue hand still tugging at Jasper's. It was too much, and Lapis whimpered incoherent pleads lost in a mingle of pain, no longer able to form complete words like 'get off' or 'please' anymore with the full weight of the Quartz pressing onto her fragile body.  


"Stop whining. Let go and I'll stop." The Quartz sneered in annoyance, tightening both her grips to amount to what most certainly felt like bruising to Lapis on her captured wrist and smothered breast. Complying, she released Jasper and brought her hand up to bite her own knuckle, twisting to the side to stifle her cries of discomfort growing more audible by the second.  


Keeping her word, Jasper lifted her weight to hold herself up and returned her hips to their slow shifting against Lapis. While it did alleviate the agony of the Quartz' crushing pressure, the blue gem hissed pathetically when she discovered Jasper had become wet enough to feel without pressing her full weight into the water gem.  


Eyes tightly shut and teeth digging for comfort in the knuckle of her hand, Lapis still knew Jasper was enjoying the little noises she made in dying protest against her own skin. For she kept kneading the sensitive flesh of her chest, only stopping when Lapis's breasts had fully adjusted to the abuse and began to stop feeling like sharp stings of pain, as they dulled out into constant yet tolerable aches. That was when Lapis stopped making those small painful noises, and the Quartz tsked when she was no longer getting the rise she wanted from the blue gem.  


In a sudden change of pace, Jasper backed further down the small body beneath her until she sat just about her knees. She released her breast, to Lapis's relief, but it was short-lived as the Quartz moved both her hands down to begin hiking up the blue skirt Lapis wore.  


"S-Stop! You can't! P-Please don't--don't go any further," newfound dread gave the small gem a burn in her stomach, making her nauseous watching the Quartz tear at the underwear underneath and part between the thighs Lapis tried so desperately to press close. Yet she was simply ignored, not even given a glance as Jasper worked the shredded fabric away from between Lapis's legs and went straight to circling her fingers around the lips there. It was the slight press of two of her large fingers against her entrance that persuaded Lapis to risk intervening again, using both hands to push shakily against the large hand lining up to penetrate her. The action immediately got Jasper to snap her head up to glare cruelly at Lapis, who was shaking her head frantically with her eyes beginning to water again.  


"Please, you can't! I'm not prepared, Jasper, you can't do this--"  


She was met with an unexpected laugh, as if Lapis was joking with her. "Not prepared? Sure you are. And stop saying I can't do this, it's really pissing me off, Lazuli." Despite all her strength pressing her hand away, Jasper counter it effortlessly and pressured the tips of her two fingers against Lapis's small entrance teasingly.  


"B-But I'm really _n-not_ prepared. I'm not even wet at all," she stuttered before letting out an agonizing sob, barely making her next words audible, "please Jasper I don't want to do this, you can beat me up again if you want but I'm not ready for _this._ "  


Irritation coated the Quartz' sigh heavily in her response, furrowing her brow at Lapis as if she were some kind of needy, troublesome child.  


"Look, I already eased you into this with a bit of foreplay, so if you're not wet than that's too bad. And do you think I actually care what you want at this point? You sure didn't ask for my consent when you pulled that shit with Malachite," her free hand violently seized Lapis's, and jerked them haphazardly away from holding the Quartz back, "so what got you thinking I would care for a second to get yours?"  


In a sudden thrust, her two fingers larger than Lapis's own hand forced themselves deep into her dry entrance, causing her walls to burn and devastate with stress gashes tearing through her as the Quartz carelessly scraped her nails along her insides on the way in. Gripping her abdomen in hopes the searing burn will cease, Lapis blinked to clear her blurring eyes clouded by tears gathering, running a stream down her cheeks as she sobbed out along with the waves of pain wrecking her tiny, fragile body. When she could see clear enough, she glanced down at Jasper, who've remained unmoving after the initial thrust in. And in a unexpected gesture, the Quartz' expression actually mingled on the border of sympathetic and confused, as if she wasn't the one who just forced herself on Lapis.  


"You... You are actually... Really dry, Lazuli." She mused in genuine surprise, expecting her little warm up with Lapis's breasts to have done at least something for her. Eyeing the blossoming bruises arising on the small chest though, it's not entirely insulting to see why Lapis wouldn't be turn on in the slightest.  


With shaky pants, the water gem bit her lip to ride out the remaining pain ricocheting in her abdomen. "Please, don't do that again," she choked on a weak sob that caught some blood from her still bleeding mouth down her throat, "I _beg_ of you, Jasper. _Please._ "  


The Quartz bit her lip. She hadn't meant to hurt Lapis this badly, but, wasn't that the plan to begin with? To hurt her, so she'll know how painful it was for Jasper all those months as Malachite?  


Much softer this time, Jasper began to ease her fingers out from Lapis, noting this time the tight friction she ripped through in her initial thrust. The small gem hissed bitterly, and when her fingers finally came out, Jasper saw the only wetness on them being a few dark smears of blood. She let out a gentler sigh, and turned to the gem beneath her, as Lapis went back to whimpering as she gripped her abdomen to weakly cope with fresh gashes inside her.  


"Fine. I'll compromise."  


Just when Lapis looked slightly up to toss a worried expression at Jasper, the Quartz had lifted herself up enough to phase the bottom half of her uniform from the navel down off, leaving her hard muscles to glisten with the slight sheen her skin had, coated with thin perspiration from her excitement. There was a tad nudge of relief in the water gem to see the Quartz hadn't shift anything extra between her legs, but rather sported her default vulva, already excessively wet. Jasper reached a hand beneath herself, and by the lewd wet sounds that followed Lapis could already guess what she was doing. The Quartz softly bit her large bottom lip as she pressed into herself, trying hard to focus on coating her fingers rather than enjoying the pleasure. When she pulled her hand back, her two fingers and part of her palm shined with her arousal, and satisfied with her amount she settled back down on Lapis's legs.  


"Here. This should feel better." The Quartz crooned, and the smaller gem once again felt something line up with her entrance. Before another fearful protest could escape her lips, she felt the push of a single, warm and slick finger get inside with nothing but the burn of the previous gashes stinging, leaving no new pain as the Quartz began a slow, gentle rhythm after Lapis responded with nothing more than a few hisses of pain, usually on the thrusts in. In any other scenario, the blue gem would have been absolutely mortified to have herself coated in Jasper's wetness, but after feeling the contrast to the tearing of going in dry, she couldn't care less that the juices between her legs came from the Quartz.  


Yet Jasper was surprisingly fair, as she maintained a single finger inside whilst softly nudging up against Lapis's clit whenever she thrusted all the way in. Soon enough, tinges of pleasure wove between the mild pains, and the blue gem started getting wet for herself. Only when she was actually prepared to take another finger did the Quartz slip it in, carefully noting whether it'll make Lapis sob in pain again. When it didn't, she worked up to her rhythm again, always keeping it slow enough to keep the small gem far from any sort of climax. The blue gritted her teeth at the unsatisfyingly slow pace, throwing her head to the side so her eyes didn’t betray any desire to the Quartz.  


It didn't take long before the hisses of pain Lapis let out during the thrusts raised to a higher pitch, drawing on out longingly rather than cutting off abruptly. Occasionally, the Quartz would push in just right to get them to almost sound like moans from the small gem, repeating the angle again and again at the same bittersweet pace. And finally, for a moment with her head tossed to the side with a slender blue hand cupping her mouth to muffle herself, Lapis's hips gave the weakest jerk up despite her efforts to still herself, softly quickening Jasper’s thrust inside her only to groan in regret and blush darker, not daring to turn and face the cocky Quartz chuckling between her legs at the smaller gem's unintentional participation.  


And that was all Jasper really wanted from her, so with a disappointing halt she withdrew both her fingers from the yearning gem beneath her, making Lapis moan achingly into her hand for the climax she knew the Quartz had no intention of giving her. From the corner of her vision still facing away, Lapis watched Jasper eagerly push the two slick fingers past her plump lips and suck pleasurably, giving a soft content hum when she could barely taste a trace of herself through the mixture of Lapis's arousal and the occasional hint of blood from the leaking gashes lining the blue gem's insides.  


"You're awful. That's disgusting." The smaller gem chided when her thighs were finally released so she could close them.  


"Awful? I saw you start enjoying yourself, so don't get all above this like that," the bigger gem jeered as she popped the two clean fingers out from her mouth, delicately licking the remaining wetness rimming her lips. "And besides, I think it's a courtesy to taste someone. That's why you're going to be returning the favor, brat." She retorted with her usual aggression finding its way in her tone again.  


" What-?! I'm not putting you in my mouth--" Lapis began, only to be cut off when the Quartz crawled up to forcefully straddle above the wide-eyed gem's face, despite her feeble attempts to push the Quartz off by her huge muscled thighs.  


"Oh really now? We'll see how that turns out," Jasper teased mockingly, shifting her weight back and forth across her hips to taunt the agitated gem. Right when Lapis opened her mouth to passively whine again, Jasper ground down without warning against the warm, slightly bloody lips of the blue gem.  


Lapis mumbled out a 'fuck' in frustration, but that only proved to be to the Quartz' advantage as she felt the soft vibrations and shifted so she could grind her clit down on it. After that, the smaller gem's participation dropped off almost entirely, coaxing the large Quartz to have to roll her hips in tiny circles to rub against the gem beneath her. It only took a few moments for this to get boring with Lapis's unwavering resistance, leading the irritated gem to lift herself from queening the blue gem for a short-tempered threat.  


"I'm half tempted to shift a member and have my way with you if you keep this act up. Is that what you want? Want me to mount you, brat?" She growled in frustration, watching the defiance on Lapis's face scare off at the mention of being penetrated. "No, no please don't--" the small gem nearly choked on her words trying to get them out before Jasper dared shapeshift anything to further toy with her threat. The Quartz, instead, drew her lips back in a sharp grin, playing along with Lapis's fear.  


"Good, so you want to eat me out then?" She deduced, bringing a hand to rub the inside of her thigh as she awaited the one sentence she wanted from Lapis to make the threat go away.  


She didn't play along well though, as the water gem merely hurried out the response, "Please don't shapeshift anything, I won't be able to take it-" she pressed, feeling an uneasy clench in her abdomen just thinking about the possibility Jasper did get bored enough to mount her. She'll surely poof her form if that happened; Lapis was quite slender and already damaged on her inside walls.  


The Quartz groaned in annoyance, and settled a hand on either side of Lapis's head as she leaned down.  


"No, I want you to say it, brat. Do you want to eat me out?"  


A visible shiver rippled through Lapis when she realized what Jasper was trying to pressure her to say. Her golden eyes narrowed menacingly down into Lapis’s blue ones, silently enforcing the consequence of denying her. The smaller gem tore her eyes away in embarrassment to answer with her head turned, only to have her face gripped and yanked back to face the Quartz. She let out a defeated sigh and swallowed in her mouth, of which was almost entirely dry save for the tinge of her mouth blood mix with what arousal Jasper managed to get past her lips.  


"Yes, I want to eat you out, Jasper." The blue gem bit out, giving the bigger gem what she wanted to hear in hopes that would save her from her aggressor’s threat.  


Smirking, the Quartz repositioned herself again, before concluding "see, that wasn't too hard, was it Lazuli?"  


The sudden heat of the larger gem sank back down upon her again, this time being met with a obeying yet coerced partner.  


Pursed lips coyly kissed along her outer lips, gentle enough to convey her reluctance but present enough to satisfy the Quartz, whom resumed trailing her hips in tiny circles to encourage sweet jolts of friction against herself. Lapis was timid to introduce her tongue, and grazed the brim of the larger gem's entrance to adjust to the full taste of her, and found an aggressive favor in her mouth that she decided wasn't so bad. Going in for another meek stroke of the tongue, she hadn't notice that Jasper had picked up the pacing of her hips to get more out of Lapis. Nevertheless, she insisted on finishing another slow lick around her entrance, carefully planning to work up to her clit later. But that agenda didn't seem to fly well with the Quartz holding her between her legs, as she growled in heated lust at the blue gem. "What are you doing teasing me like I'm your lover? Get to the point, brat, and hurry up about it,"  


Her large, heavy hips slid to force her clit against the smaller gem's mouth, whom this time accepted it in and danced her tongue around the nub, earning breathy moans from the Quartz. She repeatedly lapped a softened tongue on her clit, only to have the Quartz growl for her to go harder, and faster. Soon, she found Jasper got close when she began to pull on her hair, using it to guide Lapis where she wanted her to focus on. After that, all it took was a confident, fast rhythm and she had the powerful Quartz coming above her, growling slightly as she ground her hips down to a lazy stop.  


Despite not even being the one with a Quartz slammed up against her face, Jasper panted excessively as she finally got off Lapis for the first time since this ordeal began. She sat back, leaning on her hands and basking in her aftermath warmly before noticing the small blue gem stirred from her position as well. Rather than get up, she just turn over to her side facing away from Jasper and curled up in a fetal position, spitting up the mouth blood and arousal that had pooled in her mouth during the end when Jasper wanted her to quicken her rhythm to the point where she struggled to swallow.  


Seeing the fragile blue gem curl up, Jasper was finally able to notice a pool of crimson beneath her, staining through the edges of her skirt in the back where Jasper had failed to hike it up all the way.  


"Lapis?" She cooed softly, her climax taking the edge off her aggression as she inched towards the blue gem, who was just beginning to weep quietly.  


The Quartz leaned in, reaching out a hand only to have Lapis flinch as soon as it touched the flushed skin of her shoulder. The small gem caught her staggered breathing at that, and worked out a few steady breaths before acknowledging Jasper's concern.  


"S-so it's Lapis now? Not Lazuli? Not... brat?" A quivering voice stammered out, calling Jasper out for treating her like some stranger during the whole mess. The larger gem bit her lip in guilt, knowing she came here out of anger more so than to ask Lapis to come back again. It just got so old, with the blue gem being the one in power to push her away and tell her to leave, especially with everything she did to Jasper in Malachite. Jasper just wanted someone to dominate, just like how Lapis wanted someone to take prisoner. And now she understood the pain on Lapis's face when she had to see her again; just looking at the crumbled form curled up in the ground began to sink a pit in Jasper's stomach. She did this to Lapis.  


She's hit her before. They've both hit each other, but Lapis's hits on Jasper beats the Quartz' tenfold. And sometimes they'll tease. Especially in Malachite, Lapis learned that teasing would often distract Jasper when Lapis needed to overcome her and subdue her again. But Lapis was right-- Jasper crossed a line Lapis stayed away from. Lapis never violated Jasper’s body in anyway close to this.  


"I don't know why I did this, Lapis... I never meant to force myself on you like that," she pleaded uncharacteristically desperately with the injured gem.  


"You used me, just like every other gem. But I never thought I'd be used like _that_ again, especially not with you" she scoffed with a cold chuckle as she added, "you are _MY_ prisoner after all,"  


Jasper's jaw tightened. "That was when we were Malachite. No one’s is anyone's prisoner anymore."  


The blue gem didn't respond, but rather, hiccupped as she settled her breathing down. After a few moments without a response, Jasper reached to stroke the outside of Lapis's exposed thigh, noticing the bruising flesh from where she'd slam her weight down on Lapis. The blue gem hissed pathetically in response, knowing Jasper’s hands no longer meant her harm yet couldn’t stop feeling their fresh abuse ache along her body.  


"You know, Lapis, the bleeding hasn't eased up, maybe you should shapeshift something a bit more external?"  


There's was a choppy exhale from the other gem. "I won't be able to fully shift the... _Injuries_ , inside me. It only ever makes things worse when I’ve tried." The blue gem responded coldly with eerie certainty, and Jasper needn't ask how she knew that. It only made her ache that much more knowing Lapis has been through this before, and this was far from her first time on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Hell, chances are Jasper wasn’t even the first Quartz to do this to her. During the war, both sides resorted to barbaric ways to vent their frustration, and it was always the smaller gems like Lapis who took the worst of it. They were the easiest to take advantage of.  


Lapis cut in, breaking up her thoughts.  


"Why did you come here, Jasper...? You had no more will to convince me to be with you," she croaked bitterly, a bit of her still yearning for the Quartz to desire her and respect her like she did on the boat weeks ago.  


Jasper remembered how she greeted her by slamming into the smaller gem to send her flying.  


"I was just... Angry. I know I'll never feel that power of Malachite with you again, so I thought it'll feel better... If I at least got that power _over_ you, for once."  


She heard the blue gem’s breathing begin to break up.  


"Jasper, you could've beaten me up to feel like that and leave. Why'd you have to... W-why'd you... H-hav..." She began to shiver violently, and curled up her knees to her chin as a new wave of despair took over, seizing her in harsh sobs.  


“I n-never thought… y-you’d want to hurt m-me like _that_ , Jasper”  


The Quartz began to feel her own throat contract with a sob, crawling over to lift the limp gem into her arms while she felt her own tears ghost warmly along her cheeks. “I wanted to make you hurt like it did for me in Malachite, but I-I… didn’t ever w-want it to happen like this.” She drew a light breath, feeling her skin crawl uneasily with her sins as she clutched the quivering gem closer, “I didn’t w-want to be pushed away again. I didn’t want you to _leave_ me.”  


The blue gem tensed against her, fearful of the lurking possession in the Quartz’ voice.  


"I can't do this, Jasper. I can't forgive you. I can't forget you. I can't leave this behind--"  


"I know you can never forgive me. So what do I have to do, Lapis? What can I do?" she begged, wishing to right her wrong in any way possible.  


Lapis sniffled, hurt underlying her voice as she spoke, “ _Leave_ , Jasper. I want you to _leave_ me, _forget_ me, and _never_ come back.”  


Jasper’s chest ached.  


“…I’ll be gone in the morning. You’ll never see me again.” The Quartz whispered, with devastation glooming her eyes.  


And so after what could have been an hour of the Quartz comforting the miserable gem, Lapis finally slipped into an exhausted sleep. And Jasper stood up, even more distraught than when she arrived.  


Because she knew she had to lie to Lapis.  


She thought she could leave her, but it'll take a miracle for Lapis to actually change her. She was never going to leave. Never again.


	2. It Hurts But I Won’t Fight You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis wants Jasper to understood how it felt. It doesn't go over so well for either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes so this chapter is somehow significantly worse than the last.  
> It's more or less revenge fucking so yeah enjoy the pain?

It was awfully hard to wake knowing she fell asleep in Jasper's arms. Lapis's heart was racing, and her body stirred with distress from an exhausted sleep oddly similar to waking after defusing from Malachite. And just like when she woke then, she was in the darken barn barely glinting with the highlights of moonlight fading through softly, as if a tragedy hadn't taken place hours ago. Only she wasn't alone.

Against the cold ground, she saw a shadow fall over her, and instinctually gasped in fear as she turned over rapidly to face her company, finding a very concerned looking Peridot rather than the brutish Quartz.

"L-Lapis? Are you okay?? Did... Jasper do this??" The small gem fretted, eyes traveling around the room to scramble together the scene.

The blue gem wasn't sure how long she's been asleep, but the pool of blood beneath her has long been cold. And while the Quartz may have left her the courtesy of pulling back down Lapis's skirt before leaving, the blue gem was still bare on her top.

"Huh...? Oh I'm fine, I'm fine," she instinctually and halfheartedly fibbed before starting to shudder with realization.

"W-wait, how'd you know she was _here?_ " A pang of anxiety shot through her in fear the green gem saw Lapis bruised, bloody, and pass out in the Quartz' arms. She didn't want to have to explain what happened to her.

"She was leaving when I got here, but she wouldn't tell me what she was doing here. She just told me to stay out of it," she gave the blue gem a once over with her eyes and bit her lip in sympathetic remorse before continuing, "a-are you... Did she...?"

She saw Peridot's eyes travel down to her bare chest, then to the pool of blood beneath her.

Lapis turned her face away, flushed with disgusted embarrassment. Her core felt awfully tense, and she found herself crossing her arms to cover herself. But it didn't do much to help.

"She was upset about Malachite, so she came to beat me up. That's all that happened here." The water gem hissed out quickly, feeling the lie taste sour in her mouth. She swallowed at that, and couldn't help the cringe over the faint traces of blood and Jasper on her tongue that came down.

"Lapis..." A soft voice sympathized with clear disbelief underneath her tone. But the water gem didn't care so much whether or not the green gem believed her, Peridot just needed to not question her.

"L-look, she got her hits and now she won't be coming back. There's nothing else here to talk about." She pressed as she stood up with a obvious stumble, feeling a familiar ache sting in her abdomen and burn between her legs. Guess it was going to take her gem more time than usual to repair her physical form.

Peridot immediately reached to help balance the taller gem, feeling the cold shiver that ran over Lapis's skin the moment her hand came to grasp her arm, despite the green gem being careful to grab above the bruises trailing up her forearms.

"She can't get away with doing this to you, we should get the Crystal Gems so that--"

"No! I told you, there's _no_ problem here!" Lapis nearly screamed, causing the other gem's shoulders to jump.

"After all," the blue gem turned to twist out of Peridot's grasp, before taking a step back from her.

"She already promised to _never_ come back."

 

 

\------------------------

 

It took Jasper a week before breaking that promise, and not due to lack of effort. Even if she couldn't stay away from the water gem forever, the Quartz did her best to give her some space and let her heal from the incident between them. Last thing she wanted to do was come back and see those bruises decorating that soft cerulean skin Jasper so effortlessly abused.

Yet, part of that was the reason she came back. As sad as it was, after all the hatred and frustration was vented, she still found herself wanting Lapis back. She wanted to understand, and wanted to be understood back.

After all, if they fused she'll be able to feel Lapis's pain. She'll be able to feel the hurt, she'll be able to know her despair.

Jasper didn't care that it was raining. She didn't care that Peridot was there. Hell, she didn't even care that the last time she was there she promised Lapis she wouldn't ever have to see her again.

She was back, her heavy hair drenched from the downpour and droplets running down her toned body as she invited herself into the barn unannounced.

"W-what are YOU doing here?!" She heard the startled voice of Peridot, nearly falling over from stumbling back in shock to see the soaking Quartz intrude into their barn house.

Jasper ignored her, and scanned the barn until she saw the small blue gem curled up on a sofa on the far end of the open room, already beginning to frantically shake her head in denial without bothering to get to her feet.

"You s-said you weren't ever gonna c-come back..." A trembling hand went to cup her mouth, "you promised me that..."

"I'm here to talk, Lapis. That's all I mean to do, I-I'm not angry anymore." She pressed, taking a pleading step towards the blue gem.

Lapis slowly gathered herself to stand as Peridot stumbled to step in front of her, acting as if she could actually buffer Jasper if the Quartz really wanted to reach Lapis.

"You don't have any reason being here!" The green gem shot bitterly, causing the Quartz to scowl.

"Don't concern yourself in matters you don't _understand_ , this isn't--" Jasper began only to be cut off by the water gem, stepping out from behind Peridot.

"You're one to talk, Jasper. If you understood in the slightest way what you did, you would've stayed away."

The Quartz grounded her teeth in frustration.

"But I'm here _TO_ understand. Just think, if we fuse, we could both feel what I did; we could both understand--"

" _FUSE?_ You really don't get it, do you?" The smaller gem hissed as she began to approach the Quartz, fists clenched as she left the green gem's side. Peridot was shaking, but didn't dare intervene.

"I'm not staying away when we could work this out, Lapis! You don't have to cope with it alone!" She began to beg, sympathy softening the edges of her frustration.

In a uncharacteristically eerie move, Lapis stopped in front of the Quartz and tossed her head back in a chuckle.

"You actually thought you were staying away for _MY_ good? It's the other way around," her amusement trailed off darkly, and the Quartz hardly notice she was taking a concerned step back from the gem in front of her.

"Because Jasper, this time..." Her arms pulled back, commanding the rain to gather into the barn and strike against the Quartz with enough force to send her onto her back with a thud strong enough to shake the barn.

"...I'm the one who's angry now."

Suddenly, Jasper felt familiar chains snaked around her torso and wrists, pinning her back as she growled in betrayal.

"What do you think you're doing?? I came to stop this tension between us, and you're just feeding into it!!" She thrashed against her restraints, muscles tensing as she devoted all her strength to breaking Lapis's control. But the water gem didn't even falter, stepping up to where the Quartz laid pinned and throwing a kick clear across her face. She found satisfaction when the smack threw Jasper's face to the side, choking at the sudden impact. She turned back, lip visibly cut, and spat blood at the gem standing above her.

"You said you wanted to understand. So here, I'll let you understand how it felt," Lapis hissed vengefully.

"You think this will solve anything, Lazuli?? You think this will make it better???"

Lapis cocked her head childishly, stepping a foot onto the Quartz's neck and watching Jasper's jaw tense as the blue gem rolled her ball down onto the tender flesh there. She felt the larger gem hold back a choke.

"I dunno. But I'm about to find out pretty soon." She teased, slamming her weight into her heel and making the Quartz gasp and struggle to keep still.

She tsked as she released her weight, moving her foot off. Looking to move to a more asserting stance, she sank down to straddle Jasper's midsection. It felt powerful to have their roles reversed, but Jasper's attitude had yet to tame and Lapis wasn't going to stand for her arrogance. Not through this.

In a sudden violent move Lapis gripped into the Quartz' breasts, digging her nails in through the fabric there to repay her back some bruises.

Jasper merely growled, flashing her canines menacingly despite being helpless to stop Lapis. Irritated when the blue gem didn't let up, she tossed her head to look at the very much frozen Peridot, whom was unsure how to process the scene unfolding at hand.

"You're just gonna let her get away with this?!" She snapped, but Peridot didn't intervene. Instead, she took a step back in fear.

"L-Lapis she's right, m-maybe you shouldn't be doing this--"

"No. Let me have this." The blue gem cut in coldly, tossing a glare over her shoulder as she scratched down the Quartz' chest. Jasper growled more so than winced.

"You know she _deserves_ it." Lapis's voice hissed in finality, eyes trailing along Peridot's shuddering form as she inched towards the exit.

"F-fine, but I'm not hanging around," the green gem stammered, guilt sinking in her stomach when she caught a rather distressed look from Jasper.

"I'm _s-sorry--_ " she choked out at the pitiful Quartz, before stumbling out of the barn to get as far as way from the scene as possible.

The blue gem turned back to face her former prisoner, smirking when she saw the start of a few bruises decorate the part of Jasper's breasts her uniform didn't cover. But she wanted to see more, and she wanted to _make_ more, so she released her harsh gripping to yank down at the larger gem's top. Only, Jasper's uniform was pretty much skin-tight, not letting the blue gem pull down very much.

"Phase it off, Jasper"

The Quartz scoffed. "As if, brat."

Lapis scowled at her persistence to be above all this.

The nails consequently returned to digging into her flesh, this time to nick the fabric keeping Jasper's skin from her. Once the nick was prominent enough, Lapis gripped either sides of Jasper's top and pulled with more effort than she'll like to admit, shredding a jagged split down the front of the fabric until she reached the Quartz' navel.

The blue gem's eyes darted up to take in her expression, hoping to find her flushed and embarrassed and twisting so she didn't have to meet Lapis's eyes. But instead, her gaze bore into her like fire, still keeping to her pride despite the obvious pain playing beneath her features.

She clawed down her torso, dragging her nails into every nick and muscle to mark her up. But all she got was a wince, and those eyes didn't falter. Lapis wanted so desperately to have her break. She gripped into her skin until her nails pierced flesh and began to bead droplets of blood out of the large gem. She bruised the muscled stomach underneath with her clenching, malicious hands. But all the Quartz did was hiss in sharp cuts of air, never breaking out a sob or cry. It made Lapis's core burn, and in her frustration she slammed a closed fist into the firm abdomen, which had Jasper grinding her teeth at the blunt impact.

"Stop acting so calm about this!" Lapis demanded, with her only response being an indifferent knit of the Quartz' brow, as she feigned cluelessness to what the blue gem was talking about. Yet Lapis's nerve wore more and more at Jasper's toying, and found herself lividly tearing further at the uniform.

She tore until the striped skin from Jasper's chest all the way down to her mid-thighs were exposed, leaving the Quarts bare before her save for the thin fabric of her panties. Yet, even that move was met with not more than a bitter growl.

The commanded rainwater pulled mercilessly at Jasper's legs, forcefully parting them enough for Lapis to settle between them, raking her nails along the strong inner thighs on either side of her.

"Fine, go ahead and stay stoic. But either way I'm gonna split you in half." The blue gem lashed out with a quick yet harsh cup of the Quartz' covered heat to pronounce in her intent, only to withdraw the hand when her threat was met with an amused chuckle.

"If you wanna fuck, then be my guest, Lazuli." The Quartz cockily teased, lifting up her hips in a provocative sway in front of the very much taken aback gem. "But don't forget, I'm a fucking Quartz, brat. Nothing you can shapeshift could even make me sore."

Lapis blushed at her jab, and Jasper wore an arrogant grin at that.

But it was gone the second the blue gem tore violently at her remaining underwear, leaning in to press her knee up against the faintly wet heat of the Quartz, watching the large gem bite down on her thick cut lip at the unexpected pressure suddenly against her clit.

"Who said I'll be shapeshifting anything? I don't need a member to tear you up." Lapis darkly spat, watching Jasper's eyes grow wide with a clash of newfound fear as the blue gem circled her knee in tight grinds around the Quartz' entrance. Yet, what Jasper uneasily hoped was teasing turned malicious when she felt the knee press harder and harder against her, until it was demanding invasion into the tensing Quartz, whom was fast to clench all her core muscles to deny Lapis entrance.

"Wait--! Y-you can't honestly be serious." She stammered, watching the cold look on Lapis's face.

"That I'd shove my knee up you? Oh no, I'm very serious." She pulled back slightly, only to thrust her knee with more force at tensing slit, feeling the Quartz attempt to pull her hips away but failing when her restraints tightened. Lapis cruelly glared into Jasper, finally seeing that pride crumble as her knee threatened against the struggling Quartz desperate to keep her out.

"Fucking _relax_ it, Jasper. You're not going to keep me out; you'll just hurt yourself more trying."

She watched the Quartz tremble as she shook her head quickly, biting down on her bleeding lip even harder as the strength of her muscles began to fail her with Lapis thrusting against her again, this time earning a pitifully wince when the clenching faltered.

"I'm n-not letting you in, Lazuli," the Quartz shakily retorted, almost wishing her statement was strong enough to trick herself into believing it.

The blue gem sighed at Jasper's persistence to make this harder, bringing her hands up to toy around the Quartz' outer folds, pulling off her knee to work on effectively spreading her open.

"You'd rather tear than make this easier for both of us? Fine by me, just try not to bleed everywhere." Despite the casual icy tone Lapis used, she honesty wasn't looking forward to the blood. Peridot probably won't look at her the same when she comes back to such a mess.

She felt the heavy hips pull back again, although not much with the force of the water chains holding her still. Jasper's head was shaking frantically, hissing short little phrases like 'you can't' and 'this won't help' that were barely audible to the water gem as she once again lined up with the Quartz' now-parted entrance, with the help of her slender blue hands on each side spreading her.

In one final effort, she thrusted against the larger gem, this time successfully forcing her knee in by a few inches, tearing through the burning muscles and stretching the unprepared walls past the limits they were meant to accommodate.

For the first time since the ordeal began, the Quartz screamed.

Lapis had already began to shift about inside her cunt, testing the friction as Jasper panted to ease herself down from the singeing pain of having her muscles tore through.

"I'll shatter you for this, Lazuli--" she drew in a heavy drink of air before continuing, "I'll fucking grind your gem into dust--UHHF"

Lapis cut the larger gem off by pushing another couple inches into her, causing Jasper to hiccup her sentence as she gritted her teeth down in discomfort.

"Oh come on, you brought this on yourself. It wouldn't hurt so much if you weren't so difficult."

Despite the tight resistance, Lapis began an inconsistent pace, pulling her knee back an inch or two just to thrust it back in, breaching further and further in each time. Jasper no longer tried clenching her devastated walls; Lapis was already inside, and the Quartz wanted so desperately to relax and get it over with. It was already happening. She's already lost, and she was in this to the end whether she wanted it or not.

The blue gem began to feel Jasper become slick, but she wasn't sure if it was blood or her nature wetness involuntarily compensating to the invasion. When she looked down, it seemed to be predominantly blood leaking out, and Jasper's agonizing huffs of pain seemed to support that notion.

Despite the thrusts hitting into her, the Quartz still tried poorly to speak through clenched teeth as she hissed bitterly, "Why are you-- umff, even d-doing this? Y-your --mmn, not even e-enjoying--unng-- th-this yourself."

Lapis chuckled, partly at the question and partly at the way Jasper gasped on her words when she was thrusted into. She slowed herself and began leisurely rocking her knee into the larger gem, so that Jasper was no longer noisy each time she thrusted.

"And why do you think I'm not enjoying this?" She played on, a cruel grin bearing down on the Quartz. Jasper huffed, narrowing her eyes.

"A-at least I h-had fun with it. Unless t-this is actually getting y-you off, this is j-just torture, Lapis." She stuttered, despite the significantly slower pace.

The grin dropped from the blue gem's face, only to be replaced by livid features. Jasper was right. Lapis wasn't trying to enjoy herself or even dominate the other gem; she simply wanted to inflict vengeful pain on the caliber she experienced. Everything she was doing was purely to see the agony in the Quartz' face, but that wasn't quite enough. At least, now that Jasper made her aware of it.

"Fun...? Maybe... you're actually right about that." Lapis's voice wandered, before halting her thrusts when she came across a better idea.

"...Alright then Jasper, let's have a little fun with this."

The Quartz knitted her brow, not knowing what Lapis was playing at until she shamelessly groaned when a small blue hand rubbed into her clit. Her chest heaved when Lapis continued, drawing tight circles with her middle and forefinger at a experimenting pace, slow and teasingly. Jasper wasn't sure if she should let herself enjoy it, as she could see Lapis's curious eyes watching her to test if she was going to resist and play stoic again. Either way, she couldn't hide the deep groans that involuntarily came up when Lapis pressed in just the right way. Swallowing thickly, the Quartz decided to drop her guard in light of the pleasure, not wanting the consequences of denying Lapis.

So she played along with the new change of events, exaggerating what she thought Lapis would want. She began with moaning loudly as she tossed a half-lidded glance at the blue gem. Her tongue played lustfully across her lips, ignoring the hints of blood from the earlier gash as she pushed her hips forward, holding back a hiss when it indirectly caused Lapis's knee to shift deeper into her. When she met Lapis's eyes again to check if she was playing along right, she saw undertones of desire in them whilst they took in Jasper's overtly wanton attitude.

The Quartz saw a slight spark in those navy irises as Lapis finally pulled fully out from her sore cunt so that she could freely swing a leg around one of Jasper's firm thighs, straddling it whilst adjusting her hand so that her thumb was now pressing against the larger gem's clit. And once the blue gem sank down against the thigh beneath her, Jasper realized two little surprises. Her panties were phased off, for one. And Lapis was actually wet, for another.

Lazily, the blue gem rolled her hips, mouth parting with the release of a soft moan when her swollen clit rubbed again the skin beneath. Jasper felt the same pacing when the smaller gem's thumb stroked against her nub, wishing she had more freedom to press her hips into it. But soon enough, the pacing quickened into a more satisfying speed, matching the blue gem's lewd grinding to pleasure herself on the Quartz.

Yet Jasper felt a sudden lump in her throat when Lapis began teasing her slit with three fingers. If she had started this whole mess with only three, Jasper may have been fine with it. But after having her cunt forcefully torn by Lapis's knee, even a mere three fingers would be more than enough to cause pain to the Quartz.

"H-hey, don't do that." She groaned breathlessly, watching Lapis bring her eyes up to her without ceasing her grinding.

"Shut up. This is still YOUR punishment, remember? I'm not satisfied just yet with you," Lapis cooed back, ravishing in too much pleasure to be as threatening as she would've wanted to be.

Jasper's breath hitched when she felt the three fingers unceremoniously push into her sore slit, which softened the pain with her newfound wetness so that the ache wasn't enough to make her tense in distress. Lapis was quick to begin the same sped thrusts into the Quartz, whom no longer gasped whenever she was pushed into. In fact, with the consistent pacing and the attention to her clit, the ache was rather tolerable and muted by the curl of warmth in her abdomen, encouraging her to softly rock up into the fingers with what limited space the water chains allowed.

"Faster... Go faster..." Jasper moaned lewdly, no longer concerned with her pride. She will play this up to the end if it meant not having Lapis up her like before.

Right when Jasper expected her to speed up, she felt those delicious fingers leave her so abruptly, and she whined at the lack of control she had to stop them from doing so. Rather, Lapis's hand came up and pinched her clit harshly, with it swollen and stimulated enough to get the full sensitivity of her crushing down on the nub between her thumb and fingers. She didn't let up when Jasper cried out, but rather pressed in tighter and sharper to drag out the torturous sting.

"Fuck, fuck!! Lapis, stop it!! That fucking hurts like hell!" She cursed and twisted and cried out, but Lapis didn't release the Quartz.

"Careful Jasper, you're enjoying yourself a little too much there." The blue gem chided, twisting the nub sadistically.

"No I'm fucking _not!_ I'm just trying to do whatever the fuck you want me to do--AAHHH-! Fucking _STOP IT._ "

Lapis crushed her fingers down when Jasper admitted to exaggerating her lust. Even when it made the Quartz cry out in between her words like that, she was relentless to ease up.

"Seriously!? You've been playing it up this whole time so I'd go _easy_ on you??" Her voice shook with livid rage.

"What the fuck else do you want from me? You only get worse when I try fighting you, I just want this to be easy--AAH FUCK, that one hurt--"

The blue gem halted her grinding, offended at the facade. Finally, she release the sore clit, and Jasper panted jaggedly as she eased down from the prominent aches snatching her pleasure from her.

"...Fine, if your not going to genuinely enjoy this, then you can go back to writhing in pain now."

Interrogation over, Lapis slide further down the wet thigh she's been grinding herself on, moving her hands off and away from between Jasper's legs as she began to form a nebulous shape from the water she had gathered. Only once she had concentrated enough to shape an auxiliary tentacle about as thick as the Quartz' forearm and twice the length, she gracefully twisted her middle and forefinger to test her control, finding the water tentacle to bend and twist obediently to mimic her fingers. Her hand turned to face palm up in the open air, just in the direct line of sight of the huffing Quartz, whom haven't yet fully realized what was about to happen.

With testy, narrow eyes, she watched as Lapis leaned her hand further into the open air, dumbfounded by the motion until she felt the tentacle press against her, cold and alien.

"D-don't you fucking dare. Get that _away_ from me, Lapis."

The blue gem ignored her, curling her two fingers as the tentacle followed, swiping against the Quartz' slit and diluting her natural wetness.

"I really don't think you're in any position to stop me," she sighed bitterly before adding, "you should have just enjoyed yourself instead of giving me one more reason to _tear you up._ "

Harder than her knee and rougher than she should have, Lapis jammed the tentacle into Jasper with the mercilessly thrust of her two fingers, paying the Quartz' desperate screams no regard as she resumed a lazy grind against the thigh beneath her, feeling the muscle underneath the skin hard and tight as Jasper's whole body tensed to readjust to being tore open all over again.

"AHHNN-- I'M SORRY...! I'M SO SORRY LAPIS, PLEASE JUST-- AHHGGG-- _MAKE IT STOP!!"_ The Quartz' voice was unrecognizable, riddled with regret and pain and sheer agony as she apologized vaguely. But Lapis didn't quite grasp what she was apologizing for.

With remarkable ease, she jutted her fingers experimentally forward to get deeper into the spasming gem, unable to feel through the tentacle that she'd reach the tight entrance to her womb. Tears rolled freely down the Quartz' face, hiccuping up another plead to stop the invading gem from going any further.

"NO! N-No, you're... You're all the way in... Please d-don't try and go forward. I'm begging you, Lapis. P-please, I'm so sorry!"

Her fingers toyed and twisted, sliding the tentacle around her womb's tight ring of muscle trying to find a breaching point.

"Stop it. Stop saying you're sorry, what are even you sorry _for??!_ " The blue gem hissed, not in the mood for any other mindless thing Jasper had to play her way out of this.

The tip slid into the tiny cervical crevice, and tensed against the tight hole. The Quartz whimpered when she felt it line up.

"I-I'm sorry... That I ever made y-you feel the pain I'm feeling n-now..."

Startled, Lapis jumped, indirectly pushing her fingers forward to rip the tentacle through the tight barrier of Jasper's womb, earning not a single scream but the most heartbreaking, defeated whimper as she felt the Quartz' blood began to pool around the leg placed between her thighs.

"T-thank you, Lapis. Thank y-you for letting me _understand_... Please know... I'm t-truly... S... Sorry--"

There was a sudden burst, and Lapis fell to the ground abruptly as Jasper's body poofed from the physical devastation she endured.

"J-Jasper...?"

She heard the clink of her gemstone against the wood floor, only for it to be covered by the expanding puddle of blood that pushed the Quartz into regeneration.

"N-no, you can't do that, Jasper. That's n-not _fair!_ "

Lapis sucked in a guilty breath, overwhelmed and sobbing all alone now as she reached out desperately to collect Jasper's gem from the blood it laid in. She struggle to keep it still in her shaky hands, tears freely falling from her cheeks onto the sad gemstone and her bloody fingers.

"You can't l-leave me _alone_ like t-this-- you weren't suppose to say s-sorry-- it's really _not fair!_ " She wept, needing Jasper to be here so she didn't have to confront all this... Guilt.

Collapsing on her side, she didn't care that her cheek was pressed against the warm crimson puddle, or even that her chest was heaving and gasping worse in this position. All that matter and that she could curl in, huddling around the abuse gemstone in her hands, and weep bitterly. She's never poofed the Quartz before. And now Jasper was gone, leaving Lapis all alone. She never wanted to hurt anybody, she just wanted the Quartz to understand how much she was hurt first.

"I'm s-sorry Jasper, you were r-right all along," she shuttered, blinking off hot tears that only came to replace the ones that fell.

"I am a _monster."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I finished this I actually had an idea for one last chapter?? Like where they both settle their differences and fuck consensually??? Would anyone actually be interested in such an idea at this point???????? I'm pretty sure most of you came for the angsty noncon but hey leave a comment if that idea doesn't sound too bad for a last chapter


	3. Only If For A Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " _I cannot undo  
>  What I have done;  
> I can't un-sing  
> A song that's sung.  
> And the saddest thing  
> About my regret-  
> I can't forgive me  
> And **you can't forget** "_  
>  
> 
> \-- Lang Leav

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit you guys.
> 
> I know this chapter is awfully long (and not even the last chapter despite the fact I said it was going to be...whoops) but you guys agreed some healing was needed between the two and hell I'm too much of a jaspis shipper to make this anything less than fluffy healing with a little something more at the end.
> 
> Also! Tried my swing at a realistic abuse recovery, because fucked up actions means fucked up feelings. And I know a lot of non-con fics don't like using the word 'rape', but this is a recovery chapter so warning but it's gonna be thrown in a couple times, sorry in advance if that word is a bit harsh for anyone

It hurt to exist.

The entirety of her being refused to form, her manifestation of light weary and dreading what would become of itself dare it regenerate a physical form. Despite healing the devastation her body endured, her gem couldn't heal the memories. And the memories didn't want to let Jasper back into the world.

But Quartzes were built for battle, and they regenerate with speed meant to put them back on the field. Only, that served to Jasper's upmost disadvantage, as when her light began to involuntarily reform when she struggled to stay in, hidden in her gem in a muddle of self-disgust and utter fear. If all it took was a watery downpour for Lapis to do as she pleases with the Quartz, Jasper had no reason to regenerate. Her own weakness repulsed her.

But her gem's natural instinct was pushing her out, whether she wanted to come out or not. Part of her hoped Lapis would've broken her gemstone in two so this wouldn't have to happen. But clearly that was not the case.

She didn't bother changing a thing about her appearance-- her broad frame expanded from the light emitting from her shimmering gem, bright and faltering slightly in intensity with the conscious resistance to come back.

Yet in a glint of a few flashes, her body solidified and immediately collapsed the newly reformed Jasper onto her hands and knees, panting heavily and already squeezing shut her eyes.

She didn't know how long it's been, but she recognized the wood floor beneath her. She also caught a stain of red at the corner of her eyes. And most awfully, she saw the sway of a blue skirt in front her through the gaps of beige hair covering her face as Lapis hurried over to the reformed gem.

Jasper didn't dare lift her head. She kept it slumped over, along with the rest of her body. In fact, the only movement from the Quartz besides the heave of her chest when she panted was the insecure close of her slightly parted legs, almost involuntary despite her body being flawlessly recovered.

"Jasper...?"

The voice sounded so soft and concerned, but the Quartz recognized the last time she heard it. It felt like only minutes ago that voice was threatening to split her in half-- and she overtly shivered remembering how that promise was kept. Jasper gave a quick visible shake of her head, more so out of disbelief than anything else.

"Are you... Feeling alright? You were gone for a few days," a gentle hand settled on her large shoulder, and although a fear in her gut begged her to pull away from it, she couldn't help crave the comfort it was offering, if for any reason just to have something the wasn’t painful. She knew what those hands did to her. But she also knew they felt warm and easy against her shoulder.

"It's.... Okay if the answer is no. Please just-- _say_ s-something," the voice broke as if it was holding back from trembling uncontrollably, and Jasper felt those slender fingers on her shoulder curl in.

Capturing a deep breath, Jasper brought her own hand onto her lower abdomen, lightly ghosting it despite the trembling her large hand had to it. "It... Hurts. Nothing's there anymore, but... It still... _Aches._ " The Quartz whispered sorrowfully, her voice low and worn. She knew her physical form was in perfect health, but the sheer memories burned against her insides and seared along a deep muscle that she can now so clearly identify as her womb. She hated that she knew what it was. She hated that she can recognize exactly where it was in her body.

She hated that it writhed in phantom pain when she knew it was completely fine.

There was a sharp intake from the other voice.

"I know. The aching-- it never quite leaves."

Only when that hand against her shoulder withdrew did Jasper look up, finally taking in the gem in front of her. She saw Lapis with deep exhaustion on her face, and stress knitting her brow as she looked bitterly into the floor rather than at Jasper. The Quartz' eyes trailed along her body, finding her fragile blue hand settle low on her own abdomen. Jasper cringed in disgust with herself at the reminder of not only what she had done to the water gem, but how much smaller Lapis was, both inside and out.

She was the one that gave the blue gem that undying ache, the same one she felt now.

Those navy eyes blinked thrice before meeting Jasper's, their edges soften from the anger she'd last seen them with.

"I'm-- I'm sorry, Jasper. What I did... Y-you were right, it d-didn't make things better," Lapis sucked in a drink of air, her hand beginning to clench into her stomach, "it only made the ache worse."

Jasper sighed, and timidly sat up so her hair was no long obscuring her vision as she ran the hand she had on her abdomen up to her collar, feeling the perfectly undamaged fabric of her uniform. Her torso had not a single scratch or bruise, and when she licked her large bottom lip she found it was no longer cut. She hated this. Everything was fine, yet everything hurt.

She couldn't help but wonder how Lapis did it. The water gem didn't get to regress into her gem; she had to watch her body heal slowly along with her gem's natural speed. She got to watch the bruises fade, and feel the gashes seal. Jasper wondered how she must've felt at the realization the pain was there, but not the injuries. Probably felt less distinctive than how the Quartz was feeling now, as the healing got to ease through her it instead of flash-fixing everything unnervingly abrupt.

"Days, you say...?" She gently mused at the awfully long length away for a Quartz of her caliber, watching Lapis nervously shift at the sudden awareness that there was no rain. The sky was clouded but rainless, and unless she could reach the water from the little pond outside the barn, Jasper could easily go back to overpowering her.

The blue gem swallowed, absentmindedly stepping back from the Quartz sitting in front her. Jasper didn't seem angry, but... It wasn't completely out there to think she'll lunge and pin Lapis against the floor again to make her pay for all this.

The Quartz noticed the nervous step, along with the frightful stare that soon followed.

"No, no Lapis-- I wouldn't. Not again, not if it'll hurt you like... _this._ " She hissed at the fresh memories out of sync with her physical state. Being taken advantage of like that... It wasn't something she'd ever wish on the blue gem. Not again. Never.

The smaller gem winced and uneasily sat onto the floor with obvious hesitation, yet guilty with an obligation to not act coldly with the Quartz. They were a bit too overly acquainted at this point to act distant with one another. It was only fair Lapis showed her a little bit of her trust in that the Quartz wouldn't tackled her into the ground, even if a sliver of her felt Jasper had no reason not to.

For a few moments, neither spoke. But every time Lapis shifted, the Quartz would instinctually flinch. And every time she would flinch, she'll sigh in frustrated embarrassment and brush the bottom of her eyes-- they didn't seem to want to stop watering. And whenever Jasper sighed like that, with trembling discomfort in her breath, Lapis would get a pang of guilt stirring a bout of nausea deep in her throat. And every time that unsettling nausea sank into her, the blue gem would automatically shift. This cycle continues for several minutes, with the sighs and flinches and shifts, until Lapis finally notice that Jasper had to brush at the bottom of her eyes more frequently to keep the tears from rolling down her cheeks. The blue gem knew the Quartz didn't want to seem weak... but she also knew that was all she must be feeling. Weak. Defeated. Disgusted. Like it was her fault. Like she deserved it-- oh.

Lapis hissed audibly when she remembered telling Peridot Jasper deserved it, right there in front of the Quartz.

Jasper noticed, and tightened her jaw. But she probably didn't know what Lapis was hissing about.

All she knew is after the hiss, they both had to wipe at their eyes to keep the tears away.

Finally, Jasper swallowed thickly to stifle the pain growing in her throat wanting her to sob. Her usually confident, assertive voice cracked pitifully when she murmured miserably to the other gem.

"W-why didn't you shatter me? I-I don't want to be here."

Lapis flashed a bewildered look at the Quartz' question.

"Sh... Shatter you? I w-would never, I actually had to fight to keep you here, Jasper. The Crystal Gems wanted you bubbled away," her voice dropped in volume when she continued, "but they don't know how much it hurts to be broken and then just locked away like that."

Despite never being in a bubble before, Jasper already knew there was a big difference from being locked away in a bubble to being locked away in a mirror. But there were more important questions than that.

"The Crystal Gems know...?"

Lapis started gripping into her abdomen again at that.

"Peridot told them." The blue gem huffed.

"And where is she?"

"She doesn't live here anymore. Steven says I scare her, so she stays at the temple now."

"Oh. So... You've been alone here with my gem all this time?"

Lapis gave a curt nod, digging her fingers into her soft blue stomach. "Steven and Pearl come in the evenings to check up on me. They didn't want to tell Steven what I did to you."

The Quartz shivered. Her gem's been all alone with Lapis these last few days. Obviously, nothing malicious occurred to her gem whilst she was gone, but just the thought of her core and soul being at Lapis' will felt disturbing.

Those fragile, shaky azure fingers dug in deeper, leaving scratch marks as they sunk lower on the part of her stomach that was left exposed by her outfit. Suddenly, and rather abruptly, Jasper smacked Lapis' hand off herself, and the blue gem jumped back at the unexpected aggression and yelped in obvious panic that it was time for her sins to be repaid. Only, the Quartz didn’t initiate any further aggression.

"Stop doing that. This... is _MY_ fault! You don't get to feel guilty!!" Jasper snapped despite the quiver in her voice and tears beading her lashes. Lapis only did what Jasper did first; Jasper felt fervently that she should be the only one between the two to be feeling guilty.

"Y-yes, I do! Jasper I... I..." The water gem cupped a small hand over her mouth and cried into it, finishing her words nonetheless.

"I... _Raped_ you."

The words tasted like everything she hated. Lapis stole a glance at the Quartz to find her throwing her head to the side in denial of the pain those words pierced into her, no longer bothering to wipe away her teary eyes as they streamed down her face.

"S-so?? I-I'm a Quartz! I... I fought in wars! I'm stronger than _this_... I'm... I'm per... Perfectly.... A-Alright." Jasper argued pitifully weak as she leaned over with her sobs breaking up her words. "I'm o-okay... I'm... I'm _al--alright_..."

"J-Jasper, stop it. I told you," Lapis brought her small hand up to rest on the larger gem's wet cheek, "It’s okay if you're not alright."

The Quartz choked to keep herself from weeping harder, and pressed heavily into the cool, small hand against her flushed face. For a few seconds, she tenaciously dug her teeth into the plump flesh of her bottom lip, before gathering herself enough to respond.

"...Lapis?"

The blue gem bore her soft navy eyes into Jasper's to give her acknowledgment and attention, drawing light circles against her cheek with her index finger to encourage her to continue speaking.

"Jasper. Please tell me now honesty... Are you feeling alright?"

The Quartz sucked in a bitter drink of air, but it only made her chest feel heavier.

"N-no. I'm... I'm not alright, Lapis."

The blue gem gave a small, pitifully sympathetic smile when Jasper seized up in sobs again, bringing a hand up to hold Lapis's closer against her.

"Tha--that's fine Jasper. Remember, it’s okay if the an-answer is no." The blue gem said, repeating herself from earlier as she sniffled and ran her thumb along the Quartz' jaw to swipe off the tears.

"After all, I-I'm...not al-alright either."

At that, she felt Jasper's strong arms wrap around her smaller body, needy and desperate for comfort. Lapis let herself lean into the Quartz' chest, feeling it heave heavily with her sobs as her teardrops trickled down onto the blue gem's hair.

"I-I'm s-sorry, Lapis. I sh... I shouldn't h-have t.... Taken _ad-advantage of you first--_ "

"Shhhh, it g-going to be al-alright," the water gem tried to reassuringly croon as she brought her free hand up to try to gently stroking the Quartz' hair to comfort her, but she found herself instead shaky and gripping into the beige locks to pull closer against the large weeping gem.

"You don't h-have to cope with it a-alone," Lapis steadied her breathing before correcting herself.

"WE don't have to cope with it alone. We're here together. We have _each other._ "

 

\-----------------------

 

The clouds smeared a palette of oranges and pinks across the skies, dulling out into a dark azure hue on the side polar to the setting sun. Steven was bouncing towards the barn house after warping Pearl and himself there, carefree and looking forward to see Lapis again, despite how awfully Peridot and Amethyst have been speaking about her recently. They won't tell him why they did so either-- and whenever he asks Pearl or Garnet, they just tell him she hurt Jasper really badly. He hummed as the tall slender gem and himself leisurely strolled to the barn, stealing a glance at her and seeing her strained expression.

"Pearl, why did Lapis hurt Jasper? Did she try to attack her?"

The pale gem shivered.

"No, Peridot said Jasper only came to talk to her. But apparently a little over a week prior Jasper... ummm, _'hurt'_ …. Lapis first. Peridot, uhh, found her in the barn."

The young boy's eyebrows knit, not putting the pieces together in his head right.

"If Jasper hurt Lapis first, why does it matter if she hurt her back?"

Pearl sucked in a breath when they approached the front yard of the barn.

"She hurt her really badly, Steven. She hurt her in a way that no one should ever be hurt, and Jasper will be _furious_ when she regenerates back and sees Lapis again--"

Steven and Pearl entered into the barn to find Lapis sitting in the middle of the floor, softly stroking the wild locks of hair from the sleeping Quartz laying her head in Lapis's lap.

"--she, uhh, doesn't look very furious, Pearl." The boy quietly giggled so that he didn't wake Jasper, and tried to run to the blue gem if only Pearl didn't catch his arm to hold him back. She eyed the pair nervously, especially the Quartz.

"H-how long had she been reformed?!?" She demanded from the weary water gem, who gave Steven a quick smile before turning her attention to Pearl.

"A few hours now. It's been quite an exhausting few hours though, so she needed some sleep to get up to par with being back."

Pearl noted the dried tear stains down Jasper's face.

"I don't understand... She didn't try anything...?"

Lapis chuckled darkly. "I know. I was surprised too. But no she... She just needed comforting." Her small fingers threaded into the locks of beige, twisting to intertwine with them whilst being sure not to pull at the hair and wake her.

Pearl's grip on Steven softened, but the boy was trying hard to process the scenario and didn't take it as an opportunity to break away.

"I know you must really... _Feel_ , for her right now, but she can't stay here, Lapis. Garnet was generous enough to let you watch over her gem, but now we can't... We c-can't _trust_ her." The tall gem's voice was sympathizing with the water gem poorly despite all her efforts. Lapis shot her a dismal look, and frowned bitterly.

"I'm NOT kicking her out. And that's fine if you don't trust her; you're not the one who's going to be staying with her, now are you?"

Pearl shook her head, a bit startled. "Lapis, she could poof you. Hell, she could shatter you and we wouldn't be here to stop it--"

"She wouldn't." The water gem interrupted unceremoniously.

Her navy eyes travelled along Jasper's sleeping form, softening when they took in the relaxed features of her face in deep slumber. She hoped the sleep will ease the Quartz’ ache, even if it doesn’t last long.

"It hurts to heal from it alone." She murmured, gently unraveling her fingers from where they've tangled into the Quartz' hair.

Pearl hissed. "Perhaps, but I bet it'd hurt even more to heal next to the gem who caused the damage in the first place."

Lapis abruptly glared up, furious features beginning to ghost her expression. She noticed it made Steven knit his brow in grief.

"She doesn't have _anyone_ , Pearl. Hell, I'm the only one she tries understanding!!" The blue gem asserted in finality, certainty laced in her voice.

“O-oh yeah, it sure sounds like there’s nothing unhealthy about that!” The tall gem was quick to jeer back.

Steven finally decided to tug against Pearl, easily breaking her grip what with how shaken the pale gem was. Hesitantly, he took a few steps towards the two huddled gems on the floor.

"L-Lapis, Pearl told me you hurt each other real bad. You two shouldn't be together like this, Jasper's awful--"

"Steven, stop it. Jasper may have been terrible to me, but I was far worse to her," she unintentionally began gripping into the sleeping Quartz, causing her to shift and stir in discomfort. "I owe it to her to stay alongside her through this. Just... Let her have that."

Steven tossed a concerned glance back at Pearl, whom was nervously biting her lip wishing Garnet was here to make the tough calls.

The gripping only worsen when they didn't immediately respond, and Lapis hadn't noticed that it woke the Quartz, whom shifted with a pained groan. Pearl jumped to step in front of Steven, summoning her spear in case the Quartz went livid at the sight of them.

"I hate this, Lapis... It's still aching," Jasper sleepily whined, before turning to notice they had guests. She made a little grumble of embarrassment, and curl in further against Lapis whilst she hid her face into her blue skirt. She didn't want to be seen like this. She didn't want to look as pathetic as she felt.

"Did they come here to shatter me because you wouldn't...?" Jasper groaned in question against the blue fabric, feeling the tiny body beneath it tense at the notion.

Pearl frowned at the uncharacteristic attitude of the Quartz. She didn't expect her to be so weary and drained, especially so fresh from a regeneration.

"Stop, I told you already you're not getting shattered. They check in on me in the evenings, remember?"

The Quartz hesitantly looked up from where she was hiding her face into Lapis, and noticed the darken twilight colors filtering into the barn. Jasper pushed herself up, sluggishly brushing her hair out of her face as she sat with her legs tucked to the side.

"Stop looking at me like that, Rose. I don't need _sympathy_ from the likes of you two." The Quartz chided bitterly, feeling Lapis' hand come up and softly knead into her arm, reminding her that she was in no position to start fights.

Jasper harshly smeared her hand against her cheeks to hide the dried tear stains, only to draw more attention to the fact she had them. Even as awfully broken as she felt, she'd be damned before she shows weakness in front of someone willingly.

"Put your fucking spear away. If I didn't lay a hand on Lazuli, do you honestly think I would with you?"

Pearl suddenly dropped the spear, but not because of the Quartz' request for her to do so. Rather, she reached over and covered Steven's ears a bit late for him to still catch the cursing from the Quartz.

"Jasper!" Pearl scolded, growing more uncomfortable by the second the longer she stood in the barn.

The Quartz tsked, purposefully cursing more.

"You brought her to a pretty fucked up place, Pearl. I don't know why you think it's fine for her to see blood stains all over the damn floor, but not hear the word 'fuck' a few times."

The pale gem didn't have a good retaliation to that, and rather decided to correct the Quartz instead.

"It's 'he'."

"Huh?" Jasper's brow knitted.

"His name is Steven, and it's 'he'."

The Quartz groaned.

"Look I honestly don't care what Rose goes by anymore, but her amnesia is getting annoying at this point. I just don't fucking care anymore." She waved her hand off, finding it silly when Pearl hesitantly removed her hands from Steven's ears when the boy started getting squirmy.

"She is right though, Pearl. If what happened here is too awful that you have to lie to him about it, then maybe he shouldn't be here at all." Lapis concurred dully.

The blue gem bit her lip when she saw the pained look on Steven's face. She knew he wanted to be here and help, but he didn't know what she's done. She doesn’t deserve his sweet nature.

"I'm sorry Steven. But it's not right that she's bringing you here with her without telling you the full story."

Pearl flushed, and gave a tug at Steven's arm towards the exit.

"You know what? I think it's time to go. Tomorrow evening I'll be coming back with Garnet; she'll settle this mess. Come on, Steven."

"--But what is she talking about, Pearl...?"

"Garnet can explain this to you later. Now, come on."

She nearly had to drag Steven out of the barn, leaving the two gems alone with one another once again.

Once they were gone, Jasper groaned and pressed her hands into her face, still mortified over the encounter.

"I'm supposed to be a _Quartz_ soldier. They should be looking at me with reverence, not.... Sympathy." She murmured against her palms, shivering when Lapis's hand unexpectedly touched her lower back. Paradoxically, she felt a warm comfort settle in her chest whilst a cold burn seized her abdomen. She loved the attention of the touch, but she hated the memories that came up with it. It made her tense, slightly expecting those hands hurt her, as they needed only a slight flick of the wrist to summon those baneful water chains from just about anywhere on this water-hell of a planet; thus, it was a conscious effort to not recoil at the water gem's gentle touches.

"It'll get better. If you want, I can wait for them outside tomorrow evening by myself, if you really don't want to see them." The blue gem offered with an easy run of her thumb into the back muscle of the Quartz. Jasper shook her head, breaking out of her own large hands whilst doing so.

"I'll be _better_ tomorrow. I'll look _stronger_ , and then they can't stare at me like that anymore." Jasper insisted persuasively, trying to convince herself more so than Lapis, as the water gem was only trying to keep the Quartz in her comfort zone.

"I-I don't think a day's going to fix everything, Jasper--"

"Fine. A week then. I'll be better in a week." The Quartz cut her off, only to be met with Lapis shaking her head sorrowfully.

"It's not a wound, Jasper. It doesn't have a set time to heal and become better," she saw the large gem bite into her bottom lip when it quivered at Lapis' words. Jasper rubbed at her eyes again, as they began to start blurring with tears.

"That's n-not fair. I _WANT_ to get b-better, Lapis... Shouldn't that be enough?" The Quartz looked pleadingly at the blue gem, and Lapis had to fight not to look away from Jasper's desperate eyes.

"I wish it was, Jasper." She sighed dejectedly as she leaned into the larger gem.

"I really wish it was that easy."

 

\-----------------------

 

The Quartz insisted on being there the next evening. She spent the whole day pacing, persistently smoothing her hair to make it presentable, and kept her shoulders drawn back to feign confidence. Lapis knew she was trying to look better, but her eyes were still slightly puffy and she unknowingly chewed at her thick bottom lip in nervousness to look fine.

Jasper really wanted them to look at her differently, and in a way it worked.

When Garnet and Pearl arrived in the evening, she saw Pearl avoid eye contact almost instinctually with the Quartz, but she was quick to do the same with Lapis as well, so Jasper wasn't sure if it was the pale gem just being jumpy or not.

Garnet, on the other hand, was virtually unreadable.

"Lapis, Pearl told me you're planning on keeping Jasper. I recall only saying you can watch over her gem until she reformed." Garnet spoke curtly and solidly, as if her word actually carried the same weight to the two Homeworld gems as it would with Pearl or Amethyst. Lapis scowled at her assertive tone.

"She's not some stray dog I decided to give shelter to, Garnet. We both agreed she should stay here; I'm not ' _keeping_ ' her." The blue gem hissed rather bitterly at the taller gem, who was fast to cross her arms in distaste.

"I'm not trying to keep you two apart just for the hell of it. Your relationship with one another is highly unstable." She emphasized the last part with a harsh glance at the Quartz, whom growled at her implied accusation that she's the one making their relationship so volatile.

"We're not going to fucking fuse, if that's what you're whining about." Jasper spat aggressively, noticing Pearl was starting to cling to Garnet's arm in uneasy discomfort.

"Malachite or not, you two are bad for each other. That should've been obvious enough with what each of you are at fault for doing to one another."

Jasper clenched her fist, which came off as aggressive despite the fact she was doing it to stop the urge to bite her lip at the mention of what's happen between them.

"It's not like that _now_." Jasper growled bitterly between clenched teeth. She hated someone else telling her who she can be around. Lapis instinctually spoke up to stop the debate from turning violent, gently settling a hand on the Quartz' forearm in hopes it would keep her from lunging to fight. She ignored the shiver she felt beneath her hand when it came in contact with Jasper's skin.

"What grounds do you have to say we can't get better? What happened between us was awful, but it doesn't mean we aren't going to heal from it. Hell, sticking together is probably our only chance TO heal from it." Lapis was much shorter than Garnet, yet she was sure to keep her gaze leveled and unwavering.

Garnet tensed as if she wanted to step in towards the blue gem to stand over her intimidatingly, but a move like that would probably not go over well with the short-tempered Quartz standing next to Lapis.

"You think I'm trying to prevent you two from healing!? I'm trying to prevent you two from _shattering_ one another! You already poofed Jasper once, so it's not like you two are that far off the mark from getting one of your gems cracked!!!"

"Shut up!! Stop acting like you understand at all how we feel, you didn't have to go through what _we both did_!!" The blue gem raised her voice in anger, not noticing how it indirectly made the Quartz next to her stiffen.

"Do I have to remind you AGAIN that you two were the ones that did this to _EACH OTHER_!?" Garnet fought past her own voice of reason, taking a step toward the two intimidatingly.

"Does it _MATTER_??" The Quartz snapped in, taking her own step towards Garnet.

"This was between _US_. This only hurt _US_. It was bad, and we're trying to fix it. So leave us alone so we can do that, instead of telling _US_ how you think you actually have a say in what we do about it!" The Quartz's voice sounded more so defensive than violent with Garnet, who was hesitant to take a step back when she felt Pearl frightfully tug on her arm.

"...Fine. Do what you want then, but I want Jasper far away from the temple if she's going to be hanging around." She directed her demands at Lapis, before turning to also give Jasper a warning before leaving.

"But if anything else happens to prove you two are unfit to be around each other, I won't hesitant to poof you myself and bubble you away."

Jasper scoffed. "Fine by me if it means you'll shut up about it."

Garnet held her tongue when she felt the urge to threaten the Quartz again, and instead went to follow Pearl, whom was still tugging her away so they can leave. With one last cold look between the two Homeworld gems, she finally pivoted to follow Pearl back to the warp pad.

Lapis sighed bitterly, watching Jasper cross her arms and slouch slightly into herself now that her and Lapis were alone.

“H-hey now, are you feeling alright, Jasper...? It’s okay if the answer’s no.” The blue gem questioned softly, checking up with the larger gem.

The Quartz gave her a slight yet weary smile at her effort. “I’m not alright, but… thanks for that,” her large hand moved to ghost down to her abdomen. “It makes me feel.... better.”

 

\-----------------------

 

Besides the evening visits, the two gems hardly left the barn, let alone each other’s company. Perhaps it was a comforting codependence to ensure the healing of one another, or perhaps it was them using one another to feel less like an abuser. After all, they both did something horrifyingly terrible. And often times, their interactions with one another were pure fluctuations of whichever feeling was currently seizing their mental states—guilt, or self-remorse.

As tragic as it was, Lapis’ experience with the latter made it harder to cope with the former. She’s felt the battering of blame and helplessness before, during those forsaken years of war and brutality. It wasn't her first time recovering from rape, and she knew how to push against those ancient feelings. There were bouts of relapse, but predominantly she could tell herself it was unfair what had happened to her. For as long as Lapis could remember, it’s always been her being mistreated. So when the tables turned fast, it was harder to cope with the role of abuser than victim. Lapis made sure to voice this clearly, feeling obligated to constantly remind the Quartz how aware she was that she’d hurt Jasper, and that this wasn’t something she was going to undermine Jasper by forgetting. After all, for Jasper... the feelings were all new.

But while Lapis was persistent to disclose her uncomfortable emotions for the sake of mutual improvement, Jasper was absolutely awfully at voicing her feelings. If Lapis asked how she was, her answer was almost certainly 'not alright'. And if the blue gem pressured her to clarify, the Quartz would only go as far as to restate that she ached.

What ached exactly? Everything, apparently.

And the response of 'I'm not alright, everything aches' didn't tell Lapis quite what she needed to hear from Jasper. And so for their first couple weeks, the blue gem was determined to find a way to get the Quartz to express herself, or at the very least distract her, by means of introducing her to a series of different hobbies. After all, the worst case scenario is she wastes Jasper's time by convincing her to do something empty yet harmless instead of leaving her to her usual routine of moping around the barn and occasionally tugging at Lapis to be consoled for a few minutes at a time.

There wasn’t much else the blue gem knew what to do for her. Lapis had to dive deep into her artwork herself to vent her tinges of violent frustration and bleak guilt that she dreaded would otherwise be vented upon the broken Quartz. Which only served to frighten her; she knew Jasper wasn’t releasing any of the same feelings, and she dreaded what would become of the tension accumulating in the Quartz.

In total, two weeks was how long it took for Jasper to reveal feelings deeper than the 'I'm not alright, everything aches' bit she kept persisting with.

It started after the first few days of her stay when Lapis offered Jasper tried drawing, encouraging her to doodle how she felt about living in the barn or being reformed again. It only took her ten minutes alone for the water gem to come back to a broken pencil and a page full of dark, black scribbles etched so deeply that it tore portions of the paper where they were most heaviest.

"What is this depicting? I can't quite make much out" Lapis sensitively asked her, hoping there was more to the initial failure that she could salvage.

But her answer was a quiver of the Quartz' lip, as she glanced nervously at her own drawing before whispering, "it's depicting how... Uhhh....."

She quickly grabbed the page and tore it in two, shedding it in her large hands while groaning in frustration. In Jasper’s head, whatever she planned on saying sounded too weak and pathetic. She wasn’t going to tell the water gem she was frustrated with her lack of power against Lapis when water was in the equation. She wasn’t going to admit how humiliating and painful it was when the smaller gem was inside her, inside the perfect Quartz soldier who is built to be above bodily pain and petty emotions.

Art was a bust. The Quartz wasn’t going to disclose what she thought via sloppy black scribbles.

After a day or two, Lapis took a more direct method, and recommended the Quartz write how she felt. She read a few poems from one of the Earth books she had, and gave Jasper a briefing on freestyle structure and symbolism. It shouldn’t be hard, she thought—but any poem the Quartz returned was predominantly cursing sprinkled with information already known to the water gem. The most expressive of the few poems went along the lines of, ‘It’s fucking awful. I’m a damn Quartz. I’m better than all this. This isn’t what a Quartz does.’

Lapis was tempted to inquire further about what she meant behind it, but Jasper was quick to shortly decide it was ‘no longer accurate’ and should be discarded immediately. When the water gem read it back to her, the words sounded too vain and hollow; they didn’t sound like the Quartz’ anymore. There was no point in answering Lapis what ‘all this’ was and what she was doing that a Quartz isn’t supposed to do, because Jasper wasn’t even going to spare her own self the time it took to ponder what exactly she meant by writing it.

After that, Lapis had to call it a quits on poetry because Jasper wouldn’t be caught dead having to think about why she felt so bad. At least, not long enough so that she could write it down and read it back without finding the words foreign and unlike herself.

It was so frustrating how hard the Quartz was making it for Lapis to help her.

When she recommended sleeping, Jasper couldn’t do it for more than a few hours without waking up to complain.

When she recommended watching Earth television, Jasper said human culture was too weak and distasteful to stomach their entertainment.

She even resorted to suggesting that Jasper try doing something simple with herself like styling her hair, but even that ended disastrously with Jasper breaking several rubber bands and losing around ten bobby pins somewhere in her hair, to which Lapis had to spend twenty minutes trying to find.

After those two weeks, both of them were fed up and irritated beyond any reasonable measure with all the futile hobbies.

It was during origami, of all things, for both of them to finally crack under pressure.

“You were supposed to gently fold along the crease, Jasper. What you just did wasn’t gentle and wasn’t folding; it’s ripped now," Lapis griped whilst scanning a simple origami book, trying to relay the steps as best she could.

“What are you talking about? It looks fine, see it’s just like the diagram,” the larger gem was quick to shoot back, pressing her index finger to one of the illustrated steps.

“Are you serious?? That’s ten steps ahead of where we are, Jasper. You can’t just rip it into whatever shape the picture looks like to get an origami swan!”

“Well have you ever considered how hard it is to fold a paper this small?!? I’d like to see you do better!” The Quartz growled as she fumbled a bit with the paper in her large hands, inherently clumsy with it due to the relative size.

“It’s a simple swan, Jasper. Just a simple fucking swan, anyone can do it!”

“I don’t fucking care!! I don’t even know what a swan is, _brat_!!!--”

Jasper nearly cut her own self off, realizing the horrible nickname she just screamed the blue gem. In a split second that was too fast to process, she felt malicious hands cuff around her throat in a blur of motion, as the smaller gem spat out instinctively, “DON'T YOU FUCKING CALL ME _THAT_ —”

The Quartz stumbled back from the hostile move in a daze of shock and dread, losing her balance and falling back with the blue gem still on her neck, coming down to land atop Jasper.

A familiar phantom pain instantly pierced through her abdomen and seared a raw sting between her legs. She was on her back. Lapis was on top of her. Jasper couldn’t move or even process that nothing was even between her thighs; she felt the pain tear through her in every memory that screamed in her head.

"I'M _S-SORRY_ \-- PLEASE _DON'T_ \--!!”

Those golden eyes were wide and taken aback in sheer terror, and the moment Lapis actually realized what she was doing she yanked her hands off the Quartz’ neck to cover her mouth in mortification to her own aggressive second-nature.

She’d never seen so much fear in the Quartz’ eyes. Jasper was afraid beyond any reasonable amount of the smaller gem, staying frozen and petrified despite having the physical capabilities of seizing control of the situation.

“I-I’m sorry Jasper—I didn’t mean—” The blue gem stuttered regretfully, climbing off the large gem just as Jasper began to shutter in recoil to ache of the memories reawaken through her body.

“It w-was an accident, I-I—I wouldn’t…” She noticed the Quartz remained on the ground, bringing her hands to cover her face as she squeezed her eyes shut. “…Jasper?”

The Quartz gave a feeble shake of her head, with the disruption of her hitched breathing strangling out a low whimper from the back of her dry throat. In a consoling act, Lapis reached a hand tenderly out onto Jasper’s forearm, only to have the Quartz flinch and pull away from her touch in shaken terror.

“P-please, Jasper… I-I’m… Are y-you…” Lapis’ throat felt tight with grief, and she didn’t want to try touching the Quartz again. “A-Are you feeling _alright_ …? It’s—it’s okay if the a-answer’s no.”

Lapis knew that was the one question Jasper always responded to.

Those large hands slid away from her fearful eyes, and one sank down on top of the source of pain deep in her abdomen while she held the back of her other hand against her mouth. Her pupils were locked with the ceiling, unable to meet Lapis’ for fear she’ll see that familiar anger in them again.

Everything was aching all over again.

“I’m n-not alright. I—I can _n-never_ be alright.” Her fingers rubbed into the tender skin of her stomach, feeling it sting down the layers to the prominent clench searing deep inside her.

“It c-can be—It will be! There’s no reason this can’t get better, Jasper--” A slender hand reached out hesitantly to hover just above the Quartz’ arm, but she didn’t dare go any closer when she saw a flinch of anticipation at her move.

“Yes, there is—y-your… your touches—they all fe-feel _bad_ , Lapis.”

“That’s just because you’re shaken up, it’ll pass—”

The Quartz cut in sorrowfully, “No, it won’t! Ever since I’ve been back they’ve all felt bad!! I try so hard to not flinch away and just try and let them be comforting, but it hurts just having _your hands on my skin_!!”

Jasper blinked out tears pooling at the corners of her eyes, and bit down into the skin of her hand to keep her voice steady, desperately trying to ease herself down from her agitated state. Lapis was off her. She wasn’t going to harm her. The pain isn’t real.

So why did everything hurt so much?

The blue gem was taken aback, ashamed that she hadn’t noticed her touches scared Jasper and broken up that she would’ve never considered it. All this time, she assumed the Quartz was being stubborn and reserved. Whenever Jasper was the one to ever initiated contact between the two, she’ll just tug at the smaller gem until Lapis went into her arms, holding her in an embrace that never lasted long. But now Lapis couldn’t help but feel Jasper was just trying to chase that feeling away, and mute the reality that it felt awful to have the blue gem on her long. Jasper kept embracing her time and time again, trying hard but never fully enjoying the comfort the blue gem tried to give her.

Lapis shook her head in apologetic distress, pulling her hand away from above the Quartz’ skin. Jasper no longer looked fearful, but now just tense and unsettled from how much mere memories could make her physically hurt.

“I-I didn’t know, why didn’t you say anything…?” The smaller gem implored gently, as to not further upset her.

Jasper let out a shaky huff.

“Because… I wanted so b-badly for them to feel good. I w-wanted them to help me f-forget, not make me _remember_.”

There was a short silence, until Lapis decided upon a proper response.

“I want you to get better, Jasper. So, please… tell me what I can _do_ so they don’t hurt anymore.” As soft as she could managed, Lapis rested her hand upon Jasper’s own that pressed into her abdomen, causing the Quartz to ease up on her harsh pressing that had only served to agitate her phantom ache.

The motion was benevolent, and her hand was tender against Jasper’s. But they still washed up bitter memories of them doing awful things, and it was all she could think and feel whenever those hands were against her. Shallow breaths wavered tensely as Jasper stared uncomfortably at where that small blue hand settled on her skin, sweet and sympathetic yet unintentionally burning the Quartz’ skin in distress. She didn’t want them to hurt—she just wanted them to… feel good.

Jasper bit her bottom lip in hesitation to answer Lapis, before taking a few seconds to decide that what she was about to ask was something she felt vaguely comfortable with doing. Taking in one last shaky breath, she flushed and she brought her other hand off from her mouth, taking the blue hand resting on her and moving it lower on her stomach just below her navel.

The Quartz purposefully averted her eyes as she pressed the smaller hand against her lower abdomen, keeping it just light enough that Lapis could pull her hand away if she really wanted to.

“I-I don’t want them to hurt anymore—please, Lapis… can you… touch me there until it stops feeling bad?”

The blue gem blushed bright azure, slowly beginning to shake her head miserably despite not pulling her hand back from where the Quartz was pressing it into her stomach. The first time Lapis was forcibly taken was way back during the war, by some random soldier she never spoke more than a few words to or saw again, and even with that it took her years before she was comfortable enough to fuck another gem. There was no way Jasper could be prepared after just a few weeks.

“I-I don’t think that’s going to help you, Jasper… I don’t want to make you any worse…”

The Quartz gave a soft hiss of embarrassment, and hesitated slightly before turning her head to finally meet Lapis’ eyes. Jasper’s own didn’t even look needy or lustful, but rather pitifully desperate to feel anything that wasn’t the painful ache in her abdomen.

“I won’t make you try if you don’t want to—just… I don’t wanna hurt l-like _this_ anymore… p-please, I just want to feel _better_ ,” Jasper lightened her grip nonetheless, offering Lapis the freedom to withdraw herself easily if she desired, since she could tell how uncertain the blue gem was.

Lapis bit her lip nervously, and gave a slight sigh.

“You do know it’ll feel bad long before it’s going start feeling good…? I-I’m not even sure if you’re _ready_ for this,” the blue gem was fervently wishing the Quartz would reconsider, knowing how terrible this situation could play out if it goes south.

“Listen, I’m not e-expecting this to feel great from the get go. I’m just hoping… if you keep touching me, it’s gotta feel good eventually—”

“Jasper, I don’t know… are you sure? I mean—hell, it doesn’t even sound like YOU think this is a good idea.”

The Quartz winced with slight humiliation at Lapis’ correct assumption, and ignored a scattered amount of second-thoughts as she slowly slid the blue gem’s hand even further down her torso, holding it less than an inch away from being on her clothed groin.

“Just tell me now if you don’t want to do this, Lapis. I’ve already made my decision.” Jasper lied, trying hard to ignore the upsetting uncertainty of pushing Lapis closer to touching between her legs. It really wasn’t a good idea, but Jasper was willing to reluctantly fuck her just to try and feel an ounce of pleasure from Lapis’ touch.

“Fine, fine I’ll do it… but I swear to the stars Jasper, you’re going to tell me the moment you want me to stop.” Lapis sighed as she slowly bit her lip once more, climbing back on top of the Quartz to straddled her thighs, making sure to hold her weight independently above her despite the fact it would’ve been nothing to Jasper.

When Lapis pressed her hand up Jasper’s toned stomach on her own free will, the Quartz cautiously took her large hands off the smaller one, stifling the internal discomfort of trusting those hands freely on her body. Instead, she groaned shakily at the sensation of slender fingers against her firm muscles, and idly gripped into the floor to disregard the urge to defensively hold Lapis’ thighs to have a viable way to usurp control.

Nevertheless, Lapis saw how she nervously eyed the blue gem’s hand and thighs, and gave a soft understanding smile at that. With her free hand, she fumbled for the hem of her skirt and began to hike it up to expose the cerulean blue skin of her upper legs and thighs, holding up the fabric against her hip.

“You can hold my thighs, if you want. I understand if you want a way to push me off,” The blue gem cooed sympathetically as her other hand palmed gently into the Quartz’ tense abdominal muscles.

Jasper gave a slight shake of her head in embarrassment, yet still brought her hands up to each hold one of Lapis’ thighs, her large hands easily encircling the circumference. With that, Lapis release the hand holding up her skirt to let the fabric fall over Jasper’s hands, so that she could introduce her second hand to the larger gem’s skin.

Rather than meet her other on kneading against Jasper’s stomach, her second blue hand settled at the curve of her large hip with a swipe of her thumb in small circles into her side, hearing a low unpleasant gasp from the Quartz. The muscles of her stomach haven’t stopped tensing, despite Lapis’ soothing rubs desperately encouraging them to. Nevertheless, she repeatedly palmed into her skin to ease the tension she felt beneath her, bringing her eyes worriedly up from the stomach in front of her to see if Jasper was getting too uncomfortable with the touches. She saw the Quartz breathing heavy, fighting to ignore the aching in her stomach as she met Lapis’ navy eyes without faltering.

“Can I move my hands higher?” Lapis questioned lowly, and Jasper immediately turned her head to the side to break their eye contact.

“Go for it.”

“No—I mean, can I touch your chest?”

Jasper shivered unintentionally at her inquiry, not expecting to have Lapis ask her consent on something like that. Before her stomach could beg her to respond no, Jasper arched her back slightly and phased off the top section of her uniform, not comfortable with removing it entirely. The chilly air of the room felt unexpectedly cold against the flushed, exposed skin of her breasts, and Jasper blushed at the obvious shiver she gave.

“Y-yeah. I don’t care.” She lied bitterly, pulling at Lapis’ thighs to slide the smaller gem further up to her midsection, so that Lapis could actually reach her chest with ease. The blue gem smiled despite knowing well it was a lie, and traced a large stripe going across Jasper’s chest. Her other hand went to softly feel against one of her large breasts, not even going as far as to grab it. Lapis was content with just running her hands slowly along her skin, feeling the Quartz tense less and less at the sensation of her doing so.

Yet there was obvious tension on Jasper’s face, and she kept it turned to the side where Lapis could watch the muscles of her neck clench as the Quartz grounded her teeth against the phantom pain reluctant to leave her abdomen.

“Don’t think about the ache,” Lapis murmured as she brought a hand to the ground next to Jasper’s head, leaning down to bring her face closer to the Quartz and pushing against where she held Lapis’s thighs in doing so.

“I can’t, _Lapis_ —”

“Just tell me what you want me doing. Even if it’s me getting off of you.”

Jasper made a concerning noise, turning her head back to face the water gem looming over her. She’d love to do this without constantly thinking of the ache, but hell if she knew how to get it off her mind. She bit down on her plump lip, playing with it softly as she thought of another unusual request to make the situation better.

“Could you… m-maybe kiss me? We haven’t since Malachite.” Jasper gently asked, remembering fondly all the prior times they’ve kissed. It was always part of their teasing. Sure, she was prisoner at the time, but Lapis usually kissed her to distract the Quartz from fighting against her control. The kisses might’ve been for a bad purpose, but they felt good nonetheless so Jasper never argued when it happened. She’d even considered kissing Lapis again since she’s been back, but part of her was terrified if the kissing felt as bad as the touches—or worse, if Lapis didn’t want to kiss her in the first place after what Jasper had done to her.

The only response was a kind curve of her smile as the blue gem lean in, softly brushing against the Quartz’ plump lips as her free hand continued to feel into the tender flesh of her breast.

Out of all the things, her kisses still felt sweet. They were the one thing that has no association to the awful memories tainting the rest of her touches, and Jasper ravished in that fact as she gripped into the thighs she held. Lapis returned the enthusiasm, catching Jasper’s thick bottom lip between her teeth and pulling softly. It balanced tolerably for the Quartz, as her mind muddled the pain of the touches on her breast and mingled it along with the pleasure of having her tongue run feverishly past Lapis’ lips. She was finally able to push willingly up into the hand on her chest, moaning against the mouth of the blue gem.

“Do they feel fine enough for me to move down?” Lapis murmured, drawing soft circles with her thumb to emphasis her touch.

“Y-yeah, you can... Put your hands lower.” Her response was breathless yet riddled with hesitation, not actually having any desire to stop the pleasure she had now but also wanting to remember how that pleasure felt between her legs, even if that meant pain in getting there.

Lapis flashed her a concerned look, but listened anyhow and push herself up whilst the hand ran off the mound of Jasper’s breast back to her stomach. While the Quartz appeared significantly more comfortable, she still tensed when Lapis’ hand settled back on her abdomen.

The large hands pushed against her thighs so Lapis could move back, and Jasper let out a shaky breath.

“Don’t look at me like that. I _need_ this,” she whispered quietly even if she had no real desire or lust coiling in her. Jasper was just desperate to have any sexual memory of Lapis to replace the ones that hurt, even if the Quartz was ignoring her own comfort zone in getting there.

“Jasper, I-I’m still not sure if this is going to work. You’re not relaxed; you’re _straining_ yourself trying.” Lapis noted feeling the tense muscles under her hands.

The Quartz released one of her thighs to hold Lapis’ slender wrist, guiding it lower until it was below her navel once more. Despite the move, the blue gem could feel Jasper’s hand tremor in reluctance to do so.

“I’ll relax eventually. I _have_ to do this.” She huffed out, as the searing pain in her abdomen warned her that it was an awful idea to continue.

The blue gem didn’t quite like that answer, but knew Jasper wasn’t going to stop pushing herself to enjoy this.

“F-fine, then… Phase this off.” The blue gem requested gently with a tug at the hem of Jasper’s remaining uniform. The Quartz swallowed thickly, but complied and flashed out of her remaining uniform, being almost entirely bare if it wasn’t for her panties. Her stomach burned in too much fear to remove them herself, so she hoped Lapis would instead, even if the mere thought made the burn inside her worsen.

Gentle and trying only to do what Jasper asked, Lapis set a hand on one of her thighs and gave a gentle press to open them, only for the Quartz’ chest to heave with a wince and defensively hold them close without meaning to do so, as that old stab of pain shot up between her legs again, bombarding Jasper with memories of herself being spread forcefully and shove against and torn and hurt and ripped and bled.

“N-NO—” The Quartz cried, voice cutting off when she realized what she was saying.

Before Lapis’ eyes came up to bear her concern into Jasper’s golden ones, the Quartz already began to suppress her urge to hold her legs close and put all her conscious effort into relaxing. But Lapis had already felt her resistance, and ceased pushing her thighs apart.

“You don’t want this… Do you?” The water gem whispered, sorrowful yet compassionate.

“I do! P-Please, _please_ just keep going, it was just a little slip!” She trembled and pressured herself to suppress the awful memories making her body seize in pain. When Lapis didn’t comply, she swallowed dryly and forced herself to open her legs, enough so that the small gem atop her fell in line between them.

“You’re _trembling_ , Jasper.”

“No I’m _not_!” She didn’t care how obvious her lies were at this point.

Jasper’s hand couldn’t help but grab Lapis’ wrist, pushing weakly to go lower. The blue gem could feel the large hand shake, but allowed it to bring her down over her heat, and found herself cupping the Quartz gently to see if it would show her touches were cooperative and harmless. But looking up, Jasper was teary eyed and poorly holding in a wince of reluctance, for it was the Quartz who was ignoring her own sense of comfort.

“You’re not ready,” Lapis whispered without even bringing her hand off the Quartz.

“Shut up, I am! I’m.. I’m g-going to get better. Th-this is going to _feel better_.” She was whining and pitifully rubbed at her eyes, with no more strength to push herself do anything further.

“Fucking isn’t going to make the pain go away.” Lapis sighed, and Jasper glared into her defiantly.

"Why not?? Fucking certainly _caused_ the pain, so why can't it take it back?!?"

There was a remorseful noise from the water gem as she avoided eye contact.

"It didn't."

"What??"

"Fucking didn't cause the pain. _Rape_ did."

The large gem fell silent, and both her hands went over her face in despair to realizing Lapis was right. Even if Lapis did touch her until it felt good, it was only going to feel good from her body. Her mind will never let her enjoy it, not while it was as broken as it was.

The blue gem had to hold back the slight clench in her chest, knowing how desperate Jasper must've been to resort to this. Resorting to anything to make it go away, because nothing Lapis was doing was helping. Tears collected in her eyes; her stupid hobbies wasn't helping Jasper. Time wasn't helping Jasper. Holding her wasn’t helping Jasper. Not even doing what Jasper asked was helping Jasper.

She removed her hand off the trembling Quartz, and carefully climbed over her leg so she was no long between her thighs. Jasper pressed them closed in a heartbeat, twisting onto her side and curling up whilst trying to stifle the constant gather of tears in her eyes.

"L-Lapis?"

"Yes, Jasper?" She stroked her hand on the Quartz' back, feeling her tremor from the edge of a cry burning her throat.

"Do you think I can actually be alright?” Jasper hesitated before adding, “... It's.... O-okay if... The answer is no."

Lapis sucked in air, and it stung in her lungs.

"...I... I want to... say yes," she began, clenching into the back muscles of the Quartz, "But when I look at you, I see.... The same damage I had done to me. And even after thousands of years, Jasper..."

An ancient, dull ache pierced the blue gem's abdomen.

"...I'm still not _alright._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling alright after reading that? It's okay if the answer is no c;
> 
> And don't worry, this wasn't the consensual sex I promised, that was just a healing set up for these two because I'll be damned if they are having anything less than the most consensual sex in all of consent history. But since you guys gotta wait another chapter for it, I figured I put in a little smut(kinda?) because hell, the sin never stops here.
> 
> Ideally, the next chapter can be the final ending where they finally get to be happy and free from all this sadness I love inflicting on them, but in trying to drive this chapter forward, I was able to tie in some plot/drama involving the Crystal Gems that bear a lot of resemblance to the plot of another fic I outlined to write for this pairing, so if you guys want I can actually continue this past fluff and fucking and write a story with an actual plot (but a little warning, there's still gonna be smut because what good plot doesn't have some smut). 
> 
> Just let me know which one you guys want <3
> 
> And thank you for all the lovely comments giving your input! I love hearing from you guys and I try to respond to every comment!!


	4. Show Praise With Your Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper finally gets a chance to vent out her frustration, but in a decidedly unhealthy way. But nevertheless, it results in a opportunity between her and Lapis that they're eager to both take-- even if it's not the best idea to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a weird sex scene so just a warning for the smut, but this time around everything is consensual. Honestly I need to stop writing weird sex but at this point screw vanilla sex, these two are gonna keep doing kinky shit. Hope you guys enjoy, I made a decided effort to go light on the angst in this one <3

“Jasper, get up! You’ve been asleep for hours, it's sundown now!”

The Quartz groaned, shifting but refusing to open her eyes as she curled in, noticing Lapis was no longer on the floor against her like when they had fallen asleep.

“So…? If you wanna get up, you can go ahead and leave me. I'm tired; let me sleep.” Jasper threw her shoulder over and turned to the other side away from Lapis, whom persisted to try and wake the Quartz by nudging her back with the sole of her foot.

“No, we have guests outside. I told them to wait while I wake you, they’ll be in here in a minute.” The blue gem hissed urgently, and the Quartz only grumbled at her insistence.

“I don't care to talk to Rose or Pearl. Let them in, I’ll be over here sleeping.”

Lapis sighed at how lazy the Quartz was being, regretting letting her fall asleep in her lap. Again.

“Your _clothes_ , Jasper. I can't let them in until you get up and phase your clothes on.” The water gem irritably murmured, watching as Jasper jumped to her feet at the mention she was still in nothing but her panties. Momentary panic woke her up in an instant, whether she liked it or not.

“Fuck. That's the last time I fall asleep with you.” The Quartz flashed her uniform back on, trying to remember how'd she fell asleep in the first place. Her sleepy thoughts struggled to remind her, and then it all clicked. Jasper ripped their origami swan. Lapis fell on top her. They tried to fuck. Lapis had to stop because the Quartz started crying. Then Jasper proceeded to fall asleep in her arms, still undressed and still crying.

She blushed with embarrassment and groaned as she pressed her face into her hands, already starting to feel the smaller gem tug at her arm.

“Garnet and Steven are waiting, come on!”

The Quartz’ shoulders jumped in surprised, as she looked up from her hands. “ _Garnet_? Why would she be here?”

The blue gem gave a slight indifferent shrug, before flashing Jasper a warning look not to start any aggression with Garnet. The two never tended to click very well.

At that, the two Homeworld gems emerged from the barn, and Steven squealed in excitement just in line with a irritated groan from Jasper. Garnet eyed her wearily, but Lapis was quick to show her they've been doing better now that they have spent the last few weeks together, beaming a wide grin to Steven.

“Steven! How have you been??” The water gem implored, summoning her water wings to soar over, picking the child up by his outstretched arms and giving him a conservative toss before catching him in the basket of her arms. The two erupted in laughter, and Lapis was sure Garnet couldn't say anything bad about Jasper and her with how happy she was acting.

Only, Garnet couldn't take her eyes off Lapis. When the blue gem released Steven to flutter back to the Quartz’ side, her skirt ruffled and Garnet just barely got a glimpse beneath it, tightening her jaw with seriousness. She saw something.

“Here, you guys can come on in,” Lapis continued, elbowing the Quartz to grumble in agreement with a small gesture inside. Steven was quick to take the offer, but Garnet didn't walk in just quite yet. She gave an obvious stare along Lapis’ body, apparent enough that the water gem noticed and felt a eerie sensation under her skin. Pretending to not notice the stare though, Lapis threw a glance up to the Quartz next to her, realizing that Jasper had her eyes on Steven and hadn’t caught the uncomfortable stare Garnet gave the water gem.

Eager to break it, she hurried in after Steven, with Jasper and Garnet both slowly following in. The barn hadn't changed much since Garnet last saw it weeks ago, but she did note the two Homeworld gems went to the efforts of placing two unmatching rugs down, each in a specific spot. Their placement seemed random and rather lacking aesthetic, but Garnet knew better-- those each were respectively Jasper’s and Lapis’ blood stains underneath those rugs, but to which each one she didn't know.

Lapis and Steven had already taken up to some chit-chat, as even when Garnet explained to Steven what Lapis had done he still didn't see her as anything less than a friend. The Quartz was a different story, as she was always far quieter and much ruder during his evening visits, but she kept a harmless aura with her interactions with him and he felt that was improvement enough. After all, Lapis always was telling him about how much she's been improving-- she's told him before about her attempt at hobbies, as he was always eager to give suggestions.

“Today you guys did origami, right?? Or was that suppose to be tomorrow?” His question was innocent but beaming with positivity, and the Quartz didn't mean to tsk at it.

“Y-yeah, we did! I think it went pretty well for Jasper, right..?” Lapis answered a tad nervously, tossing a crooked smile at the Quartz to go along.

“Err, yeah? We made a swin.” Jasper played along, her voice hesitant yet not lacking it's usual assertion.

“She means a swan.” Lapis supplied, and Steven giggled. Unexpectedly, Garnet cut in, despite watching the interaction without intervening so far.

“You made this, Jasper?”

All three turned to see Garnet standing a little ways away, picking up a vaguely folded yet heavily ripped piece of paper. Jasper swallowed thickly, remembering how she dropped it after Lapis fell on top of her.

Garnet noticed, and scowled at the Quartz’ quick change of demeanor after displaying the paper. She turned once more towards the water gem, giving another obvious trail up her body with her eyes, this time right in view of Jasper, whom hissed at the suggestive stare.

“ _WE_ made it. Together.” The Quartz growled in correction, asserting herself to the fusion. Lapis folded her arms over herself when Garnet’s staring didn't ease up. She didn't like being gawked at so… Objectively. Almost like she was looking for something.

“Do you know why I accompanied Steven today, Jasper?” Garnet questioned without taking her eyes off Lapis. Even Steven started looking uncomfortable in response to the strained atmosphere.

“From the looks of it, because you like making Lazuli uncomfortable?” Jasper spat out, taking a defensive step to stand next to the nervous water gem.

Garnet seemed remarkably unaffected by the jab, but she wasn't one to lose her temper fast.

“I came to see if you two were fit for each other. Steven’s been insisting you two have gotten better,” Garnet mused dully, as Steven had went to stepping back from the Homeworld gems, getting a sense of where the conversation was going.

“I, however, disagree. Steven, please step outside.”

“ _What_?!” The Quartz countered to Garnet’s control of the situation, earning a pitifully look from the boy as he obliged without his usual intervention.

Once he was gone, Garnet took an aggressive step towards the blue gem, whom responded with a shy frown as she stepped back. Jasper growled at the concerning attitude of the fusion.

“Lift up your skirt, Lapis.” Garnet asserted, causing the Quartz to step in front of her with an livid growl and physically push the fusion back. Garnet hardly stumbled, as Jasper only had given her a warning shove, and Lapis was growing more anxious by the second, questioning both Garnet’s motives and her and Jasper’s ability to hold her back from them.

“This doesn't have to be difficult. Lift up your skirt, all the way to your waist. I don't want to have to come over and do it myself.”

“I-I’m not doing that,” Lapis insisted with a shake of her head, gripping into the fabric of her blue outfit.

Garnet sighed at her decision, and in a split second she caught the Quartz off guard and knocked her down to the ground with an elbow to her shoulder, down and out of her way to the blue gem. For a short moment, Lapis was summoning her water wings, but Garnet’s hand had already grabbed her upper arm to hold her still, forcibly reaching down and pulling up the entirety of Lapis’ skirt, causing the small gem to blush bright and push against the fusion.

But it was when she held the skirt up did Garnet confirm what she thought she saw outside when Lapis flew to greet Steven; Lapis’ upper thighs bore faint but distinct bruises around them, large and obviously done by none other but the Quartz.

Jasper herself was shocked and hesitated in getting up straight away, trying to think back if she'd actually gripped Lapis’ thighs that hard while they made out earlier that day when she asked Lapis to touch her. The Quartz didn't mean to, and Lapis certainly didn't say anything, but it was obvious Jasper must've gotten carried away when Lapis was against her lips; her hands were under her skirt during the entire ordeal so she wouldn't have noticed she was bruising the smaller gem.

The water gem herself even looked a bit taken aback; she wasn't even aware of the bruises herself.

Unceremoniously, Garnet shoved the blue gem’s skirt back down and allowed her to finally break out of her hold, Lapis nearly falling with a stumble from pushing so hard against Garnet.

Rather, her attention was completely diverted to the Quartz now, whom was just barely getting to her feet when Garnet charged over and gripped into her uniform’s collar, taking advantage of Jasper’s slight confusion to keep her forced down on her knees.

“I _KNEW_ you couldn't be trusted. Even when given a second chance, you're not going to change.”

Rather than correcting Garnet, Jasper merely met her accusation with a low growl as she grabbed the hands holding her down by her collar. Of course that's the only reason she would come back here, to find a reason to shift the blame on Jasper and get her bubbled away.

“It’s not like that! I swear, she hasn't laid a hand on me!” Lapis was up and at Garnet’s arm, tugging to get her to release the Quartz.

“Lapis, you don't have to defend her. What you did to her was justified; you shouldn't have let her reform.” Garnet spoke down on Jasper despite her words being aimed at Lapis, and at that the Quartz’ grip on her hands unintentionally soften with the creep of guilt seizing her.

Garnet thought the Quartz deserved what Lapis did to her. But that wasn't revolutionary; Jasper herself thought she deserved it too. However, what she didn't agree with was Garnet’s handling of the situation with Lapis and her. She had no right telling them what to do, and it made the Quartz’ blood burn, as she felt familiar tinges of aggression tremor through her muscles. Jasper thought that sensation was long gone, as for the last two weeks Lapis made her instinctively combat stress with submission, rather than aggression. Yet here she was, with hatred and frustration seizing through her body and diluting her sense of reasoning. Maybe Lapis was right after all that she needed a hobby to vent through, but it was too late now. Garnet was about to be her vent.

Jasper broke out a toothy, sinister smile.

If Garnet wanted a villain to blame, Jasper was going to give her one.

“Damn, didn't think you'd see the bruises. It's hard putting them in places no one can see, I mean her outfit only covers so much,” the Quartz sneered at Garnet, earning a bewildered look from Lapis.

“Are you… _Bragging_? I knew you two were unfit, but this… This is _disturbing_. And to think you had her convince me otherwise,” Garnet’s grip was tightening, having her false assumptions supported by the malicious glint in Jasper's piecing eyes.

“What?!? No it was true what I said before, we're getting better--” Lapis tried to clear up, only for the Quartz to cut in, further leading Garnet on.

“Of course I had to get her to convince you. I'm just surprised you actually bought it, and left Lapis alone with such a _big bad Quartz_. I'm not called a brute for nothing, you should just see the marks I left beneath her _little top_ \--,” Jasper teased, before she was cut off abruptly by Garnet’s summoned gauntlet striking against her jaw and throwing the Quartz out of her grip.

Lapis yelped seeing Jasper take the hit, but the Quartz didn't even wince. Rather, she merely pushed herself up with a sloppy stumble, before spitting out some blood and flashed another one of her awful, toothy grins.

“Good. Let's fight. I was starting to think you were all talk.” In a flash, she summoned her helmet to accept Garnet’s commencement to battle, causing Lapis to try once more pulling Garnet back.

“Garnet, she's lying! You can't fight her for something that isn't true!” Her voice was desperate, knowing all it took was getting Jasper on her back to get her to freeze up. The Quartz could get cracked if that happened; she was not in the right mental state to fight.

“Stop it, Lapis. There's no use covering for her anymore.” The fusion glared down at the water gem, whom was once again in her way from reaching Jasper. In a harsh push, Lapis was shoved back with a short hiss of irritation.

The two aggressing gems charged at each other, with Jasper’s sloppy punches being dodged as she threw strikes at Garnet haphazardly. Yet that didn't put her at too much of a disadvantage, as she also was able to avoid Garnet’s strikes with fair accuracy, directly blocking the majority of them rather than dodging them.

Garnet wasn't one to tire so easy, though. She was angry herself; in her eyes, Jasper was a direct insult to fusion and all it stood for. As long as Jasper played up the role as the abuser, Garnet had reason enough to beat her down until she's poofed. She wanted to end a horrible relationship like Malachite from ever existing again, even if that meant cracking Jasper’s gem to do so.

Standing wearily to the sidelines, Lapis wanted to intervene with every fiber in her body-- if only the two combating gems would bother slowing down enough for her to jump in. She didn't understand why Jasper purposefully agitated Garnet into fighting her, especially in her state. She can't win.

The Quartz was already starting to look visibly worn, with a prominent line of blood running from the corner of her mouth and a few bruises decorating her shoulders and upper arms where Garnet successfully landed a few hits. But Jasper was irate beyond any doubt, and had already chosen Garnet to vent upon. She wasn't going to stop anytime soon, even if she was losing fast.

With the battle slowing down naturally from Jasper’s exhaustion, Garnet began to hit harder. The Quartz sluggishly dodged two punches before a third one landed against her sternum, causing a splintering pain to ricochet in her ribs and make her choke on the blood in her mouth.

With the momentum, she fell backwards, landing straight on her back. Garnet didn't give her much time to process her new position, stepping up and looming over her.

Just having the fusion’s shadow fall over her caused the Quartz to choke up a gasp at a sudden seizing pain tearing through her abdomen. It was screaming at her that this position was bad, this situation was bad, her opponent was bad, this was going to end up bad and she was going to be torn in half again because why else would she be here on her back. Why else would Garnet be glaring down at her with such hatred. Why else would her abdomen be hurting so much.

This was an awful idea.

Suddenly, her vision of Garnet was almost wholly obstructed with a sudden sweep of blue, as Lapis step in to stand directly between Garnet and Jasper.

She stood incredibly straight with a present strength to her, glaring unwaveringly into Garnet. A slender arm held out from her side, as if it could actually stop Garnet from getting past Lapis to the Quartz lying flat on her back. But that wasn't why she did it; the blue gem hoped if Garnet wasn't going to listen to her words, perhaps through her actions she can show that the fight was meaningless.

“Lapis Lazuli, get out of _my way._ ” Garnet commanded more than asked.

“No. No one's getting hurt.” The blue gem shot back solidly and strong. Jasper blinked thrice as she realized she was still on the floor.

Garnet gritted her teeth, but Jasper used Lapis’ intervention to push back up onto her feet, with a new level-headed clarity. Seeing Jasper back on her feet shot a cold anger in Garnet, who was determined to keep her down.

Without even thinking, she shoved Lapis harshly back once again to get her out of the way, only to have Jasper reach out instinctively to catch the blue gem in front of her.

But the moment Lapis gasped and fell against the Quartz pulling her in, they were gone with a bright flash.

And for that moment, all they felt were each other and that flash of light. It was warm and familiar, yet also haunting eerie. It felt like terror. It felt like happiness. If felt painfully bittersweet, and neither of them fought the sensation.

Disoriented, they both fell onto the floor in a dazed drop, groaning.

Looking up, Garnet was frozen, bewildered beyond belief to what had happened before her eyes. After a moment, she finally spoke, with her voice unsteady and confused.

“.... _Malachite_?”

The newly fused gem furrowed at that name, before processing what had happened.

“We… _Fused_?” Malachite asked herself, bringing one of her four hands up to touch against her face in confusion. Less monstrous than before, she had a humanoid torso, but retained her six limbs via two legs and four arms, all bearing dark green stripes and swirls. While still fitting in the barn, she was easily twice as tall as Garnet, as she still had to look down at her from where she was on her hands and knees from stumbling.

“You should've let me fight her, now I can't,” Jasper complained through Malachite’s voice to the other half of herself. Although, the complaint was only half hearted; after fusing with Lapis, her anger significantly dissipated through their shared body.

“I don't understand… Why do you look like _that_ …?” Garnet implored, deep confusion stressing her expression to why their fusion would improve if their relationship was as bad as Jasper lead her on to believe.

Malachite fumbled a pair of hands through her hair, with Lapis adjusting to the thickness and Jasper to the shortness. “Aren't you suppose to be the fusion expert?” Malachite ended up jabbing back, before tugging a bit at one of her pale locks experimentally. She wasn't use to the feeling of her hair when it's dry, considering the majority of her existence was spent underwater.

“So the bruises came from…?” Garnet pondered out loud, not expecting Malachite to answer her. Nevertheless, she did anyway.

“A rough make out-- LAPIS! Don't tell her that!” Malachite switched personalities mid-sentence when she spoke, cueing Garnet that while their relationship had improved enough to make a more stable fusion, they were still out of sync enough to cause their personalities to be split through Malachite, rather than the fusion having a personality of her own.

“This is unexpected. You two, unfuse. We're still not done talking about this, it's completely uncalled for that you could even still fuse after what happened--”

“Us, unfuse? Hmm…” Malachite interrupted indifferently, whilst running her second set of hands down her body. A crooked smirk spread across her face, flashing her fangs as she lavished in the sensation of feeling her own skin and feeling… Comfortable. She wasn't alone. She had herself. They had each other.

“I think we’re fine like this,” she finally concluded, although Lapis and Jasper weren't even sure which one of them had said it. They both hurt, but they both understood. Lapis could touch Jasper and comfort her without the Quartz recoiling from her touch, and Jasper could no longer scare Lapis by her physical strength and size.

Both sets of her arms wrapped around herself in a self-embrace, slouching into them longingly and letting out a content hum.

It was nice for them to be together.

“...Stop that. This isn't right, this isn't what fusion is suppose to be,” Fists tightened, Garnet chided the much larger gem brashly. Regardless if Jasper mislead her about their current standings or not, it didn't change the fact that their history was riddled with abuse and mistrust. A few weeks doesn't erase it, and all it’ll take is a fervent disagreement between the two to transform Malachite back into her former, disastrous self.

Garnet wanted them separated. She wanted Jasper in a bubble where she'll be guaranteed not to hurt anyone. If she was so adamant on fighting that she provoked Garnet into brawling with her, than she is already too dangerous to be out and about.

“If you hate this so much, then fight me-- _no wait_ Jasper we’re not fighting her--” their personalities split again, as Malachite shook her head in turmoil.

Garnet tsked. “You two can't make Malachite work and you know it. Lapis Lazuli might be flexible enough to hold you two together, but Jasper, you’ll have to cede your control over for that to happen. You can't exist as a constant power struggle.”

Their shared mouth pull back into a bitter frown, and Malachite unraveled herself from her own comforting embrace. “We're making it work just fine. I told you we’ve been getting better,” Lapis spoke through Malachite’s voice, as they folded their lower set of arms in distaste to being told what to do.

“Malachite was a traumatizing experience for both of you. You wouldn't last a day like that--”

“Oh? Wanna watch me?” The large green gem cut in, with Jasper’s cocky attitude evident through the slight glint Malachite’s eyes had.

Garnet was taken aback by her sudden willingness to remain fused, curving her lip in a frown. “A whole day? You two want to stay fused all the way until tomorrow evening?”

Malachite gave an indifferent shrug; she didn't want to think of any repercussions it could have.

For a second, she thought about it. Her faith in their relationship was poor enough that Garnet had no expectation for Malachite to remain for twenty-four hours, and perhaps even Lapis and Jasper would realize that themselves if they tried.

There was a sneer from Garnet, as she pivoted around towards the exit. “Fine. A whole day. _Try_ and prove me wrong; I'll be back tomorrow evening after you learn for yourselves it won't work.” Once outside, she found Steven some yards away from the barn, and silently collected him to warp back to the temple, ignoring all his inquires to what had happened and whether or not Jasper was bubbled. She didn't want to tell him Malachite was back; last thing Garnet needed was Steven to try and befriend Jasper’s and Lapis’ hate-fusion.

She just hoped they wouldn't turn destructive by the time she returns.

 

\-----------------------

 

Garnet and Steven hadn't even been gone for more than an hour before Malachite was already beginning to grow bored. The sun had went down, and whilst Jasper’s side suggested they sleep, Lapis insisted the Quartz would just use it as an excuse to have them doze away the hours.

The large green gem fidgeted often, squirmy and still adjusting to their shared body. Lapis predominantly controlled their first set of hands, and ran them down their skin to feel the tingles it gave Jasper’s side of the fusion. Jasper no longer felt anxious, despite recognizing when Lapis would independently controlled the touches, because she knew her skin was Lapis’, and Lapis’ was hers.

Jasper took over their second set of arms for the most part, running their hands in circles on their shared abdomen to muse at the odd stir of pain there. Their aches didn't cancel each other out, nor did they doubled up upon each other. Rather, they created a new and strange sting, that was distinct in its tinge of guilt, but also prominent in a cold sensation of self-despair. It felt old and predictable from the blue gem, yet sharp and self-demeaning from the Quartz. But regardless, both of them accepted the ache, and mutually sympathized with themselves. Jasper felt for Lapis’ history, and Lapis felt for Jasper’s fearfulness.

It actually took Malachite a few moments before noticing her top arms have went down to rubbing the top of her thighs, and Jasper’s side felt a pang of awareness suddenly between their legs, shooting that raw sting through them. Lapis felt it too as it shivered through their shared body, and immediately ceased her touching. The water gem felt heavy guilt cloud her separate consciousness, feeling for herself that burning sting she gave Jasper. It was a bitter pierce between their thighs that had Malachite sucking in a pained gasp of air, yet beneath that was a tinge of something else.

The feeling was vague, and mutual as well. A coil of warmth, swarming at the excitement of putting her hands on herself. Both of the gems were surprised at that, especially after the little painful reminder that they were both still very much damaged and repining.

It was definitely uncalled for-- awkward, even-- for both the gems to mutually feel aroused and needy from running their hands on their skin. Neither one exactly knew which gem it could have even come from, for Lapis knew she didn’t care much for touching herself and Jasper knew she hasn’t been able to get aroused since she's been reformed, despite much efforts she’s made when she had time to herself. Yet they each didn’t know what the other knew; thus they weren’t able to deduce that the arousal came from Lapis and willingness to touch themselves from Jasper. And whilst Lapis quickly ignored it, Jasper was overjoyed to feel aroused again, as well as fast to embrace the surge of desire by bringing her set of hands up to cup their breasts eagerly, encouraging the swarm of needy pleasure in their core.

Malachite gasped, her top arms grabbing the wrists of the bottom ones.

“Jasper _no_. This is my body too.” Lapis scolded through Malachite’s voice, but the Quartz tsked as she took over to respond back.

“Oh come on, we might share this body, but we both know _these_ mostly came from me,” she bragged with a squeeze of the fullness of their breasts, exaggerating her point of being the larger breasted of the two. It indirectly made Malachite moan, but from which of the gems it came from wasn't certain.

“S-stop that. You admitted yourself you aren't ready to do anything.” Malachite hissed, as Lapis asserted herself. The sensation was oddly similar to when the water gem had tried touching herself, but she’s always been too uncomfortable trying to pleasure herself to actually enjoy it.

The Quartz dropped her hands off of their chest, suddenly realizing she was overstepping that line again. She was disregarding Lapis’ consent like before, and a surge of regret reminded her the last time she ignored what the blue gem wanted, having her way with the smaller gem against the floor and forcibly reminding Lapis what is is like to be used. Jasper had already made that promise not to make Lapis feel like that again-- especially after feeling what it is like for herself.

“Fuck, y-you're right. I’ll stop, I-I'm sorry Lapis… I just… Didn't expect our hands to feel so… _Good_.” Jasper spoke through with a flutter of embarrassment, and their fusion blinked twice as Lapis took control to speak again.

“Doesn't it… Feel like this when you touch yourself like that?” She was steady to asked, as she's never discussed how the Quartz felt with her own hands on herself.

Malachite pulled her knees into her chest, her bottom set of arms hugging them insecurely.

“Ever since I've been reformed… I don't get much pleasure from my own touch. It--It’s actually been awhile since I’ve felt aroused like this.” Malachite sucked in a quick breath for Jasper to continued, fumbling with her bottom hands nervously. “I’ve tried, but… My body, it always feels disgustingly weak,” Jasper’s words sounded shaky through Malachite’s voice, and Lapis couldn't do much but wrap their arms around themselves again, holding in tight and secure. The water gem understood how awful it felt, and Jasper felt that understanding radiate through them together.

“You're not _weak_ , Jasper. You're just healing. So if… I-if it really does feel good for you,” a hand pulled under one of their breasts to grip it gently, “maybe we could try the touching again, _together_?”

Malachite groaned needily into her own pleasurable touch, and Jasper hiccuped through them to refocus themselves. “B-but are you fine with this, Lapis? Does it make you… _Uncomfortable_ , feeling ourselves likes this...?”

Her response was the other hand under Lapis’ control coming up and pressing into their other tender breast, and Jasper let their fusion sigh longingly at the sensation.

“I'll be honest; I didn't expect our hands to feel this good either. It's… mmmm, nice feeling together like this, I didn't exactly expect it to make us feel so… So, mmnn…” Lapis trailed off when Malachite’s voice rolled, as Jasper commanded their bottom hands up to join in on the groping before Malachite had a chance to let Lapis finish.

“Make us feel so… Hot and bothered?” Jasper provided for her, with Malachite finishing the sentence with a lascivious bite of their lip, paying no mind when it caused their fangs to pierce into the plump flesh of their bottom lip.

The green gem lewdly moaned and pressed her thighs together as one her top hands slipped under the hem of their top and felt around absently for a few seconds before finding their nipple, and joyfully grasped it whilst a bottom hand from below pushed the breast up further into the touch.

With an impatient tremor, another top hand began tugging at their hem to pull the collar down and free their breasts, but Lapis’ side whined in frustration that their large bosom made it difficult to pull the fabric over themselves.

“Fu...fuck you and these l-large boobs you gave u-us…” Lapis whimpered to Jasper’s half, causing the Quartz to nearly chuckle, sensing themselves come undone so wantonly with one another. Jasper yelped through Malachite suddenly when Lapis shifted their nails into claws, grabbing a handful of fabric in their top set of hands and shredding their halter top out of the way.

“Eager, much?” Jasper teased, despite joining along as she moved their bottom set of hands down to keenly cling at the hem of their shorts. That faint ache between their legs pressured her to stop, but as Jasper was the one in control of their lower hands, she was able to mute the sensation by squeezing into the soft, sensitive flesh of their inner thighs to remind herself these were her hands.

After all, she trusted her own hands. Correction, she trusted Malachite’s hands.

One of Malachite’s bottom thumbs slipped under their waistband and ran parallel along the inside fabric, lifting it off from their skin and stopping at their hip. Jasper hesitated her control though, awaiting confirmation that is was fine for her to continue. But her hesitation was met with an over-enthusiastic top hand coming down and tugging needily at the bottom hem of their shorts, Malachite whining to get the fabric off.

Taking that as consent enough, the Quartz commanded her set of hands to pushed down on their waistband, tangling their shorts and panties around their knees as they sloppily struggled to get out of their clothing.

Their bottom hands caught themselves as they lost balance and stumbled backwards during the ordeal, and once already on the floor Malachite found herself electing to stay down, slowly adjusting to find a comfortable position. Lying on her back made Jasper anxious, so their fusion instead leaned back against the barn wall, a top hand from Lapis hooking a hand around one of their thighs and holding it against their chest to comfortably spread themself in a position that didn't stir up any awful memories between them.

“G-go ahead, Jasper--” their fusion sighed breathlessly, as Lapis ceded her power over to the Quartz to actually touch themself. After all, she didn't want to risk ruining what they had now by having Jasper relapse if Lapis was the one controlling their touches; although, Lapis herself was a tad nervous to give their body over freely to the bottom set of hands under Jasper’s control. But Lapis wanted the Quartz to have this for herself, and she was going to trust her with full control on what their lower set of hands did with Malachite.

Yet instead of going down towards their heat, one of Jasper’s bottom hands palmed against their inner thigh whilst she fumbled for Lapis’ free hand.

Malachite gasped with the water gem’s confusion when one of her lower hands grasped a top one, with Jasper clinging onto the hand under Lapis’ control with a gentle thumb running against it supportively.

“ _Together_ , remember?” Jasper reminded through Malachite’s soften voice, as the bottom hand guided the top one down with it. She grasped it gently as she pressed it onto their torso and slid down with Lapis’s controlled fingers barely ghosting their shared abdomen, running over the spot of their mutual ache and finding it nearly muted as they trailed over it.

Malachite smiled comfortingly when it was both their hands that cupped themselves, with Jasper’s on top supportively guiding Lapis’. Malachite pushed her hips up to their touch, and panted at the sensation of their lower hand leading the fingers of their top hand in circles around their entrance. Lapis whined as Jasper’s hand held hers back from pushing the tips of two of her fingers in, as the Quartz was working diligently to make sure their fingers get slick enough to slide in effortlessly. The water gem’s impatience was amusing, nonetheless, and so the Quartz purposefully kneaded harder into their inner thigh to make Malachite’s hips jerk up against their hands again.

She continued sliding Lapis’ two fingers along their slit with her own, having to grip hard on the top hand to stop it from sliding all the way up to their clit, as the water gem was growing restless from the teasing. Jasper wasn't letting Lapis press their fingers inside themself, nor was she letting Lapis rub against their clit. It made Malachite whimper needily, already generously wet and not needing any further foreplay.

It was far more than entertaining from Jasper’s side, whom wanted to let out a chuckle but also wanted to keep Lapis in control of their vocals so she’ll keep making Malachite whimper and whine so lewdly. In fact, she ceded almost all control of their body to Lapis to keep herself focus on teasing themself, as she even began to feel the water gem tug at the control over the bottom hand Jasper was using to hold her back, desperate to feel something that wasn't just their fingers circling their slit.

Yet Jasper retained her control, and in protest Lapis took to venting her frustration through Malachite, curling in their toes and keenly bucking up their hips as far as she could command their body to, all in hopes Jasper would give their body more than teasing. She wasn't sure how Jasper had such self-control in the face of pleasure; all it took was a slight push inside or a soft nudge against their nub to end this tortuous yearn, yet the Quartz refrained stubbornly from giving in.

Despite the constant whimpers from Malachite, Lapis weakly collected herself to speak through their fusion, with a voice shaky from unsated desire.

“I-I’m starting to regret letting you--mnnn-- take charge,” Lapis huffed through Malachite pleadingly as she defeatedly dropped their hips back down; Lapis was getting exhausted with battling against Jasper’s hand holding hers back. “...You’re doing this on purpose-- mmmhhh--! Yo-you’re a _j-jerk_ \--! Aahhh--! Jasper _p-please_ \--!”

Lapis mewled and uselessly grinded sloppy and difficult circles with Malachite’s hips, hoping Jasper would slip up and accidentally rub the hand she held from Lapis against their swollen and ignored clit. But the Quartz caught on, and punishingly slowed their circling painstakingly, feeling it cause the hand under Lapis’ control she was holding to twitch and squirm to force even just a brush of friction against their sensitive folds, in hopes that at the very least Malachite could ravish that, if Jasper was going to take away what pleasure the speed had given them.

Finally, the Quartz couldn't help but respond, taking over Malachite’s voice as she broke a strained grin across their face.

“...please what…? Mnnn-- Tell me what you want us doing--nuuhhhh, Lapis--” Her words were arrogant despite being moaned through her own strained pleasure, and they almost came out as a teasing coo if it wasn't for Jasper’s own wanton lust lacing Malachite’s voice so thickly.

Jasper felt the other hand under Lapis’ control grip sharply into the thigh it was holding to their chest, pushing it out slightly to the side to shamelessly spread themself as far as they could.

“I-- nuuuh-- want… y-you to stop-- mnnnuh-- this d-damn teasing--” The water gem just barely panted, willing to say and do anything to feel their hand against themself, inside themself-- and Jasper, too, could feel how badly she wanted that.

Caught up in Lapis’ desire, Jasper accidentally took over their voice in a moan, having to cease their movement altogether as she found herself dangerously close to giving in to the pleasure herself. The Quartz resisted, as she let her hand grip harshly on the one under it, and Lapis was hardly coherent enough to do much about the lack of movement but whimper pitifully for it back.

“Be _specific_ \--” Jasper growled back, herself now struggling with how worked up they've made Malachite. And yet, she still wanted to make it difficult with Lapis, as with every tease and toy she could feel their entrance slicken wetter and wetter with their arousal.

“I-I want you to let me sh-shove our fingers in-- nnmmhhh-- while… While your hand-- nhhh… Rubs our clit--” Lapis’ words were desperate and undone to the point that she didn't care how lewd and indecent they sounded, as long as it was going to have Jasper finally give in.

And with a one more growl, Jasper took over their vocals once more to hiss impatiently as she readjusted her hand’s handling of Lapis’, biting down overly harsh on their already abused lip to the point where their fangs began drawing blood. But neither of them cared-- they were both finally about to get what they wanted.

Jasper realigned the hand Lapis had control over until it’s two excessively slick fingers pressed against their slit, and didn't even notice that the water gem had forced their hips to remain on the ground, savoring the joy that they were finally going to get to fuck themselves.

Yet rather than use her hand to push Lapis’ fingers inside themself, the Quartz mustered all her strength as she released the top hand she had held captive so long.

“Go ahead then. _Show me_ how bad you want them in, Lapis,”

The water gem seized their vocals to moan in delight, choking up Malachite’s already uneven pants as she freely thrusted their two fingers into their tight wet slit, pushing all the way down to their fingers’ base on the first shove.

Malachite gasped, whining slightly as the two gems mutually moaned ravishingly through her.

Just as Lapis began a needy, diligent pace of thrusting into themself experimentally, Jasper followed up unexpectedly on her side as her commanded hand slid up tightly against their swollen, needy clit, earning a cry of gratitude from the water gem. She mindlessly curled their fingers inside them when the middle and forefinger of Jasper’s commanded hand rolled quick circles around their clit, earning a thrust of their hips from the Quartz when the blue gem pressed into their sensitive walls.

It was overly satisfying to feel the Quartz finally act and move transparently with their desire, feeling Jasper command their hips to push up to meet the fingers Lapis was thrusting into them, forcing a deeper and more satisfying pace. The water gem felt it cause the Quartz to waver in her rubbing, growing sloppy and desperate to find the fastest pace she could manage whilst still focusing on thrusting their hips up to meet Lapis’ commanded fingers.

When Jasper managed to finally match the circles around their clit to the exact tempo of their thrusts, Malachite lasciviously parted her mouth in a drawn moan, not noticing nor caring when a trickle of drool mingled with the blood of their pierced lip running down their chin.

It was hard to keep up with, for Jasper was predominantly working both their hips up to Lapis’ thrusts along with the carelessly quick rubbing on their sensitive nub, growing distracted easily from the efforts and indulgence to not notice that Lapis was pressing the tips of their fingers against their walls in a determined search. It wasn’t until a harsh and perfectly timed thrust from Jasper that Lapis’ fingers hit a sensitive, delicious spot inside them that the water gem had been so adamantly looking for. And while Lapis soaked up the gratifying pleasure of finding it, Jasper was taken aback by the sudden influx of over-sensitive stimulation that she accidentally cried out through Malachite.

“Fuck, fuck--! _Too m-much_ , Lapis--!” She yelped with a writhe, jerking back their hips from the unexpected overstimulation that had her squeezing all four of Malachite’s eyes shut with a whine. But the water gem merely seized control of their hips to repeat the thrust against the spot again, this time excessively harsh to flood their nerves with unbearable ecstasy. Lapis held back a smirk of intense exaltation to how unhinged it made the Quartz, purposely pressing mercilessly into the tender spot punishingly for all the teasing Jasper made her wait through.

Barely able to focus and shamelessly squirming from the intoxicating euphoria, Jasper’s rubbing on their clit was weak and losing momentum with each skilled thrust Lapis gave, each harder than the last. Finally, Jasper just managed to press on with a few jagged rubs on their swollen clit to contribute the sliver of stimulation that sent the two over the edge, with Malachite’s tongue lolling out as she came with a trembling pant, clenching down lavishingly on their fingers.

“--Fuck--! F-fuc..k… _mnuuuh_ …!”

The two rode out the delicious pleasure in blissful delight, finally sated and losing their strength in combination from their mutual exhaustion and hazy afterglow. Lapis slipped their fingers out of their wet heat, and finally released their thigh she held to let Malachite close her legs half-heartedly.

For a few moments, they weakly tried to recollect themselves from the intertwined state of mind their climax gave, thoughtlessly reorganizing back to their separate consciousnesses. Their panting persisted, slowing down slightly as Malachite once again pulled all four of her arms around herself in a yearning self-embrace. She arched longingly into her own hold with a bitter groan, not feeling quite right or satisfied holding herself.

“I want you here, Lapis…” Jasper whimpered softly through Malachite’s strained, breathless voice.

“Is this not enough…?” The water gem just barely inquired back, confused but nevertheless giving a reassuring squeeze in their embrace to emphasize that she was still very much there with the Quartz.

Lapis felt Jasper grip all of their hands into themself in a sudden influx of want, surprised that her urge was powerful enough for the Quartz to seize complete control like that. “I want to hold _you_ \-- I need you _here_.” She pleaded lowly, letting out a shaky sigh.

Lapis bit back a quiver.

“It won’t feel as good if I’m here. You know it won’t feel good, Jasper-- it hurts you too much.” The water gem responded with obvious sorrow, Malachite evidently frowning in despair. She wanted Jasper there, too. But the moment they unfuse, they’ll go back to aching in hurt; they won’t fluidly share their understanding and emotions as they are now, and it’ll just end in grief.

“Please, just this once… Could we pretend nothing _hurts_? Can’t I just… Hold you without h-having to remember what h-happened...?” Jasper choked out mournfully, causing their mental state to slip out of sync. But in a panic to stay as Malachite, Lapis was quick to force their light to stay together, keeping them fused while their fusion began to waver in instability. The Quartz felt the water gem force Malachite together, and began to fight against the awful sensation of having Lapis desperately seize control over themselves like that. It felt just like when she forced them to stay together when they initially fused, dominating Jasper’s will to separate with her own to stay together.

“You can’t--! We can’t forget it, Jasper, it’s always gonna hurt-- U-unless we’re _Malachite_!! Y-you have to _STAY_! Malachite, she… she has to _STAY_ \--!!!” Lapis suffocated Jasper’s control completely, dominating their will as their fusion writhed in painful tension of their internal fight for control. She felt it push the Quartz down mercilessly in an attempt to keep them together, feeling the pain she was inflicting while doing so.

Jasper cried out, her voice breaking through Malachite’s.

“ _LET ME GO_ , LAPIS!! P-please, this isn’t fair… I-I don’t wanna be Malachite _ANYMORE_!!”

Lapis gasped pitifully when she realized what she was doing. She was… forcing the Quartz again. Forcing their light to stay together, forcing them to stay fused by usurping all of Jasper’s control and power over their body.

Heartbroken, she reluctantly released Jasper.

In a split second, Malachite’s form wavered and dissolved into light, breaking up and out of sync as Lapis and Jasper fell out separately, both gems disheveled with bloody punctured bottom lips and sporting either ripped or missing clothing.

Lapis swallowed thickly, seeing the Quartz rise quickly off the floor with a stumble and turn around rapidly to face the water gem-- Lapis’ core clenched in fear that Jasper was going to punish her for trying to forcefully keep her fused against her will again.

Jasper charged in her direction the moment she caught sight of Lapis, and the feeble blue gem yelped in terror, bringing her slender arms up to shield herself in preparation to be hit. Her core ached in anticipation that the Quartz had finally had enough of her, and Lapis couldn’t help but cry out pleadingly for what she feared would become of herself.

“N-no, no _please stay back_ … I-I’m _sorry_ \--! Jasper, p-please, _DON’T_ \--!”

Only, when the Quartz reached her, she instead felt Jasper’s strong arms needily pull her up off the ground in an embrace, pressing Lapis’ small body desperately against hers as she let out a shaky sigh of relief finally holding the blue gem. That was all Jasper had wanted, and she gave a reassuring rub along the smaller gem’s back to emphasize she had no vendetta or malicious intentions for the short relapse Lapis had in desperation to stay fused.

Despite wholeheartedly believing just seconds before the Quartz was enraged and willing to hurt her, Lapis immediately went to a clingy grasp onto Jasper’s shoulders as she felt her large hand grab gently at her hips to lift the small gem up against her. Lapis followed along, wrapping her legs around Jasper’s large waist to hold herself up and pulling her arms around the larger gem’s neck.

Lapis pressed her face into the Quartz’ shoulder, whimpering apologetically as she struggled to hold back a sob. The Quartz responded by softly brushing her hair with her free hand, steadying her own voice to respond as she nearly choked up at seeing how shaken the small gem was. Merely thinking about the terrified look Lapis gave her after unfusing sent a clench of pain in Jasper’s chest.

“Shhh, it’s okay Lapis, I’m not mad-- I’m not going to hurt you…” The Quartz pleaded comfortingly, finally understanding just how fearful her size and strength made the smaller gem. No wonder Lapis was so reluctant to unfuse-- she had her own ache too, and Jasper’s mere strength was what made it sting. Such soft, forgiving sympathy from Jasper was making the water gem regress and pine over her regrets and sins, coming undone in the Quartz’ arms.

“I-I’m s-sorry, Jasper… I sh-should have let you go. I-I shouldn’t had k-kept you at the bottom of the ocean with m-me for all those months-- I shouldn’t have made you so angry th-that you had to come back a-and-- come back-- an-d… a-and--” Pressing harder against the Quartz, she began to notice that her tears were streaming down her face freely and dampening Jasper’s hair. She didn’t care that she had already apologized for keeping the Quartz trapped at the bottom of the ocean, or that Jasper was long over it and more concerned with their latest course of events.

The Quartz trembled.

“N-no, Lapis… I had no right to take advantage of you-- regardless of what happened all those months as Malachite. P-please, you… you don’t have to be afraid that I’ll get angry with you,” Jasper's voice wavered, holding in the small gem tight. “I’m… I’m not going to hurt you.”

Lapis swallowed dryly, trying weakly to ease herself down. Removing herself from the crook of the Quartz’ shoulder, she met Jasper’s golden eyes and took them in, finding no rage or anger behind them, just… concern and sorrow. Releasing a shaky sigh, the smaller gem impulsively pulled up against her to meet her lips, savoring the bliss of capturing the Quartz’ plump lips against hers, despite the wince they both gave from the pierced cuts Malachite bit into them. It let a comforting relief mingle between them, letting the two gems cherish the simplicity and chasteness of a mere kiss.

They held it sweetly for a few moments, before Lapis broke it off softly.

“You… You don't have to say that…” Lapis murmured bitterly, poorly trying to keep her voice still. Lapis felt the Quartz’ chest heave.

“...Not while you’re still letting me hurt _you_ , Jasper--”

The larger gem whimpered at that, feeling the ache in her abdomen burn a reminder into her.

“If I cared about the hurt that much, I wouldn’t be _holding_ you, Lapis. I’d rather have your company over my comfort.”

Jasper soothingly tightened her grip around the blue gem ever more, feeling the raw ache intensify in her abdomen. But she didn't care.

It was always going to be worth the ache if she got to hold Lapis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay. Don't worry, I'm filing this under masturbation rather than the consensual sex I keep promising, but hey with each chapter we're getting a step in that direction. I wanted something a bit less sad because of the events of the last chapter, but now buckled up because we're taking the train back to pain town.  
> I'm sorry that I'm really painting Garnet as the enemy here in this, but I'll admit she's just trying to keep everyone safe. But, on the bright side, expect her and Peridot in the next chapter!  
> Let me hear what you guys think, I always love getting feedback <3 <3 <3


	5. To Stay Awake With Me A While

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot confronts Lapis on her relationship with Jasper, bringing up some awful details about the time Lapis spent recovering from what Jasper did to her. Jasper ends up heartbroken, and finally begins to question if Garnet was right about them being unfit together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _please note every other section is a flashback between Peridot and Lapis in this color_  
>  
> 
> Guys!!! Peri is back!!! But she's here to join in the suffering because that's all I do when I get my hands on a character.  
> But in this chapter, I tried to develop Peridot's and Lapis' relationship with one another, especially via flashbacks to when Lapis was recovering. Nobody seemed to question why Lapis was so angry rather than just sad in chapter 2, but regardless this chapter will clear it up. Also a tiny warning for a smidgen of Lapidot, but it's small enough that I'm not gonna tag it.
> 
> And just so you guys get an idea how angsty this chapter will be, I would say you can probably make a drinking game out of how many times someone cries in this.
> 
> (( On the off chance anyone is interested, [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGKaPCewPiY) is great for the tone and mood of this chapter, and I actually used it to find a title for this chapter))

“You two… Unfused??” Garnet remarked in a tone of disbelief, walking into the barn unannounced for their evening visit to find the two Homeworld gems cuddling nonchalantly on the floor, with Lapis laying across Jasper’s lap with a lock of the Quartz hair in hand as she braided it.

“Hm? Oh yeah sorry about that, I know you must've been _really_ rooting for us to work it out,” the Quartz sarcastically jabbed, still upset over their last encounter with one another. Lapis hissed and tossed Jasper a sharp look, warning her to mellow it down.

“What she means to say is we like it better like this,” the water gem supplied, turning her attention back on the braid she was teaching Jasper to do.

Yet Garnet spoke up again, a tad bewildered that they were getting along so well despite not being compatible enough to stay fused.

“What happened to both your lips? Did you two fight??”

Both the Homeworld gems gave a glance over to one another’s swollen bottom lips, and each realized it really did appear as if they both socked one another in the mouth. Jasper sensed Garnet was trying to find another reason to deem them unfit again, and while she'd love to fight the fusion in a rematch over it, Lapis had given her strict rules not to. So instead, she threw her head back in laughter before responding, suppressing the edge of her slight irritation with Garnet.

“Malachite is what happened. She has fangs, you know.” The Quartz responded smoothly, tossing Garnet a crooked grin to imply what her and Lapis did while fused to cause them to bite their lip to the point of injury, but Garnet failed to catch on. Lapis did, however, and gave a harsh yank on the lock of the Quartz’ hair, making Jasper hiss as the blue gem subtly warned her to knock it off.

“Well-- if you two are settled and unfused, I’m going to call Peridot in. She came along, but she didn't want to meet Malachite if she was still here.”

Lapis abruptly sat up at the mention Peridot was waiting outside, dropping her progress of a braid in the process. “What is she doing here?!?” The blue gem spurred in bewilderment, unprepared to talk to the small green gem after how she’d last seen them. She didn't even know how to go about apologizing to Peridot-- not with Jasper here, having to hear and remember along with her. Lapis could already hear the Quartz groan in discomfort, anticipating the encounter.

“She insisted on coming to talk with you after she found out you two fused,” Garnet replied quickly before cupping a hand around her mouth to call out to the gem waiting outside.

“PERIDOT! You can come in; Malachite’s not here.”

Jasper tsked that Garnet felt the need to tell the others Lapis and her fused again, watching the blue gem sloppily push up and out of the Quartz’ lap and smooth her hair in anticipation to see Peridot again. After all, the last time she’d seen Lapis and Jasper together, the water gem had chained the Quartz down on the floor right before Peridot’s eyes; the event really did a number on her, seeing how malicious the blue gem can become when enraged.

Timidly, the small green gem peaked in, before walking in rather awkwardly. Jasper saw obvious remorse on her expression when her eyes caught Jasper’s, and the Quartz broke it with a scowl. Jasper didn't like being something to be pitied, especially from the likes of her former subordinate.

“Y-you wanted to see me again…?” Lapis broke out, obvious tension on her face to seeing how fidgety the small green gem was being, especially as she eyed their new mismatching rugs nervously, locking with the one that marked where she last saw Lapis and Jasper together. Where, while seeing them, she had to leave because she didn't have the heart or guts to make Lapis to get off Jasper. Only to come later in the evening to find that Lapis forced Jasper to regress back into her gemstone, with the shaken blue gem sobbing in a puddle of blood that wasn't hers as she clung desperately onto the gem in hand.

“I… I didn't expect you guys would stay together--” Peridot fumbled with her hands before continuing, “and when I heard you fused I… I needed to see for myself…”

The green gem let out a strangled huff, and Jasper rose off the ground herself in curiosity to where Peridot was going with this.

The small gem brought her eyes up to lock with Lapis’.

“I needed to see if… If you were finally getting _better_.” Peridot nearly murmured in heartbreak, bearing her eyes sympathetically into Lapis. The blue gem remembered the last time she looked at her like that. She remembers the last time Peridot felt… Bad, for her.

It was when she first found Lapis alone in the barn after Jasper beat her bloody and left her on the floor alone. It was when Peridot first found out the extent to of which Lapis had been broken.

It was one of the worst things Peridot had seen in her existence.

 

\-----------------------

 

“ _Please_ Lapis, don't try to stand.” The green gem begged, noticing the blue gem’s strained stumbling was causing fresh blood to trickle onto the floor. Lapis was reopening the tender gashes inside her more and more with every attempted step, adamantly refusing aid from Peridot. Lapis had to steady herself against the barn wall when she began to feel the blood roll over the curve of her thigh, tugging up a bit of her skirt to see if it was noticeable. Her eyes watered against her wishes when she got her answer.

“S-stop, I told you I’m fine!” Lapis hissed defensively sharp, despite taking only one more step before the pain caused her to fall onto her hands and knees, with a devastating sting of impact shooting through her beaten and bruised body. It hit her particularly hard in the lungs-- Jasper must've done a number on her internals with slamming her across the room-- and Lapis found herself with her head slump over in a fit of coughing and choking, accidentally repeatedly inhaling the blood from her bleeding mouth several times in the process.

It went on for a few moments, until she felt a small and shaky hand stroke her back soothingly as the blue gem struggled to catch a lungful of something that was blood, saliva, or hints of Jasper still left over in her mouth. A thin line of blood and drool ran from her agape mouth as she finally began to catch some air, quickly wiping the back of her hand sloppily across her face before she hesitantly raised her head.

“L-Lapis…? Are you sure I shouldn't get the Crystal Gems…? I… I d-don't know how to help you--” Lapis heard Peridot’s voice tremble in powerlessness, and she felt a pang of regret in her chest. She knew it hurt Peridot to find her like this-- and she knew her story of Jasper only coming to beat her up was as transparent as glass.

The blue gem turned her head and indirectly tightened her jaw in pain when she gave the smaller gem a kind smile, abeit slightly slanted from her swollen cheek where she was punched. “No, no! Y-you’re helping just fine! I-if you could, can you maybe get me a blanket…? M-my gem’s too strained for me to phase my clothing back on.” Lapis had to feign an upbeat tone to keep her voice from shaking; she felt nauseous from the searing pain between her legs.

It a heartbeat, Peridot was up and searching fervently through the barn, giving Lapis a moment to sigh in bodily exhaustion and collapse onto her side, wincing when it shot another sting of pain into every muscle and bone she could fathom she had. Lapis didn't bother covering her breasts with her hands anymore-- hell, she didn't even bother pulling down her skirt where she felt it pool dangerously high up her thighs, threatening to expose her if she dared pried her legs open. Luckily, she had no intentions of opening them anytime soon, unless she had enough willpower to try walking again. And at this point, that wasn't going to happen when she didn't even have willpower to exist; part of her wished Jasper had the respect of sending her back into her gem so she wouldn't have to be here, coping with Peridot’s heartbreaking attempts to help her.

Lapis gasped when a sheet was tossed onto her body, with Peridot already adjusting it to make sure it covered the blue gem properly. She heard a shaky huff when parts of the white sheet immediately blotched with blood, but it didn't deter the green gem from effectively covering her where she laid.

“B-better?? I can get another one if y-you need me to,” the small gem asked, eying the crimson stains soaking more and more of the fabric in a slow expansion. Lapis merely tossed her a weak smile.

“No, it's perfect… Thanks, Peridot.”

 

\-----------------------

 

Lapis pulled the curve of her lip in a gentle, sympathetically smile.

“I’ve been getting a lot better. We both have, and… And I'm glad you decided to come back here, Peridot.”

Jasper stiffened and eyed the water gem suspiciously, recalling that her and her roommate broke off on bad terms. At least, it would be a little insulting if they didn't, considering the break off was over the fact Lapis didn't stop touching Jasper when Peridot asked her to. That, and just the mere terror it must've seeded in the small gem to see someone as fragile and thin as Lapis pin and subdue a Quartz.

“I-I didn't just come back to ask how you’ve been, Lapis… I…” Peridot began to sputter, and the Quartz crossed her arms and leaned her weight onto her hip intimidatingly, growing impatient watching the interaction between Lapis and Peridot.

Yet Lapis’ brow was knit in concern, reaching out to settle a hand reassuringly onto the small green gem’s shoulder for her to continue. Jasper held back a hiss of jealousy and looked away, not feeling right in her stomach looking at the tender touch between the two.

“I-I need to know… Why are you with her…?” Peridot broke up softly, yet still meeting Lapis’ eyes beggingly to give her some sort of answer that would make sense. A nervous, pressured chuckle followed from the blue gem, as she strained out a smile back to the green gem. She could feel Jasper’s eyes bearing into her skin awaiting her reasoning, too. Hell, even Garnet’s attention was captured in wait for her.

“W-What are you talking about, Peridot…?” Another false and strained chuckle tried to lighten the situation as Lapis stepped back and hooked her arm around Jasper’s to emphasis their current standing with each other. While the Quartz didn't pull away, she did look burningly suspicious down at the smaller gem clinging to her arm. Something was wrong… What did Peridot know that Lapis wasn't telling her?

“I’m w-with her so we can both heal, and make amends for the… The _damage_ , that's been done.” Lapis elaborated carefully, having to phrase her words just right in hopes none of the gems around her would argue against it. She could feel the muscle of the Quartz’ forearm tighten in tension from where her slender arm was wrapped around it.

“No, no, that's not what I'm asking, Lapis!! Why are you _with_ her?!?” Peridot asserted again in frustration, despite Lapis’ eyes begging her to stop right now.

“Wh-what… What do you mean--” Lapis just barely started, only to further frustrate the green gem.

“ _Romantically_ , Lapis!!! Why are you _romantically_ with her!!?!” She finally shouted, earning a spiteful growl from the Quartz, not liking being talked about as if she was the worst thing that's ever happened to Lapis.

“Peridot… I-I…” The blue gem stuttered, drawing a deep breath at the absolutely awful weight sinking into her chest. “I-I don't think you understand…” She trembled out, failing to meet the smaller gem’s eyes as they dropped to the floor in overwhelming distress to being put on the spot.

She clung harder onto the Quartz’ large arm, despite the recoil she felt from it. Jasper wasn't happy with her answer either.

“NO!! I don't think YOU understand, Lapis you… You _HATED_ her!! It was HER hands that broke you, it was HER fault you became Malachite-- You… You _still_ HATE her!!”

The Quartz abruptly pulled her arm out of Lapis’ shaky cling, stepping back with remorse. Jasper could only murmur mournfully, “H-Hate..?”

“Peridot…” Garnet warned, placing a hand on the smaller gem’s shoulder to get her to tone it down.

But it was too late, the damage was done, as the blue gem buried her face in her hands to hold back stressful tears pooling at the corner of her eyes.

“Lapis… Do you... _Still_ hate me…?” Jasper broke out hesitantly, unsure if she wanted to hear her answer. They were doing so well, and they've been bonding so much… But part of the Quartz choked up at the notion that maybe all this time, Lapis was sticking by her out of guilt. That she only wanted to feel better for what she's done. And… For what was done to her. The blue gem only reasoned that Peridot ‘didn't understand’ why they were together, rather than saying she cared or had feelings for the Quartz. It just didn't feel right.

And Lapis didn't answer her.

After a few moments of everyone staring silently, the blue gem finally dropped her hands from her face, looking over to Jasper. Her cheeks were already wet from what tears had fallen from stress.

“I d-don't hate you anymore, I just… Hate what you _did_ to me…”

There was an insensitive scoff from Peridot when the Quartz dropped her eyes to the ground, running a trembling hand to push back the hair falling in her face from looking down.

“Did… Did you ever tell her what happened during the week after she hurt you…? Did she-- Did _Jasper_ ,-- even bother asking??!”

“Peridot, I-I was upset… I wasn't in a right state of mind--” Lapis sobbed pleadingly, only to have an equally distraught Peridot cut it.

“You said _I_ made you feel better!!! Not _Jasper_ , and yet… You _chose_ her???”

All eyes fell on Lapis, who bit her lip as thick tears rolled down her face.

She didn't want to remember that bitter week ever again.

 

\-----------------------

 

“WHY WON’T YOU SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE?!?” The green gem screamed to the frozen water gem, who refused to move from the ground despite it being three days since the incident with Jasper. Peridot couldn't even clean up the blood since Lapis haven't moved from it, noticing the wood floor had already soaked in the crimson hue. Yet part of her guessed Lapis didn’t quite care that the incident left a mark; it was just as much of a stain on the floor as it was a stain on her mind, and neither were ever going to leave.

But Lapis didn't quite hear her yelling. She just numbly stared at ceiling in silence without any hint of an expression besides the occasional blink of her eyes. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want to move. Not until her gem fixes her body so she didn't have to wince every time she did anything. She was sick of the pain bringing her back to that day, so Lapis was going to numbly wait the pain out.

“YOU DON’T EVEN SLEEP, YOU HAVEN’T _SPOKE_ … I… I SWEAR TO THE STARS LAPIS, IF YOU DON’T SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, I'M GETTING THE CRYSTAL GEMS!!!”

Lapis blink thrice as her chest clenched in sorrow-filled stress. She didn't want them here. She didn't even want Peridot here… She wanted to be left alone in her own spiral of self-pity and bitter anger.

There was a sour swallow, and for the first time in days her mouth parted to speak.

“I want to split her in _half_.”

Her voice was cracked and strained from lack of use, but it still sent shivers down the green gem’s back in fear of the vengeful malice lacing that soft, broken voice.

“S-she's not coming back, remember…? You have to think of what's happening now, Lapis…” the now-quiet green gem insisted, not expecting Lapis to bring up Jasper so soon, let alone suggest tearing her up for what she did.

“I want her to _scream in pain_.”

“No, no you're not listening to me Lapis--”

“I want her on the floor, _raw and bleeding_ \--”

“LAPIS stop, that's disgusting--”

“I want to tear open her _fucking cunt_ \--”

“-- _STOP IT_!! STOP TALKING LIKE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO _THAT_!!” Peridot screamed while abruptly pushing both of her hands sharply onto Lapis’ mouth, regretting making her speak. Sad, mournful despair was what she expected to hear from her, not angry threats of what she fantasized doing back to Jasper.

“Y-you want her to feel how you did, I-I get it… B-but you d-don't _actually_ want to do that, Lapis… I _know_ you.” Softly, she released her hands off Lapis’ scowling mouth when she began feeling tears dampen the edges of her hands. Her first expression in days, and it was a cold icy glare that would have Peridot thinking she would shatter someone in a second if they tried keeping her from doing all the terrible things she threaten to do. Yet at the same time, two prominent streams of tears ran down either cheek, making the green gem feel Lapis had too much of a heart to do any of it.

Too bad she assumed wrong. Lapis was crying over Peridot’s faith in her morals, knowing well herself she had enough remorse and anger to carry out every horrid threat she spat out. But she couldn't tell the green gem that.

“I… I want to _hate_ her.”

Lapis hesitantly continued when Peridot didn't stop her, “I want her to know it _hurt_.”

The small gem lean down and pulled the blue gem slightly off the ground in an embrace, squeezing carefully around her healing body. Nevertheless, it earned a slight wince from Lapis, with her still torn-up insides protesting with an achy burn spreading through her tender abdomen.

“You don't need to do any of that. You don't need to hurt her to feel better. I'm here, Lapis… And I want to help you get better…”

She felt shaky thin arms reciprocate the gesture, snaking around her and pressing the green gem further against Lapis. Slightly pulling her head back, those navy eyes bore into her, more expressive than they've been in days. Peridot watched Lapis trail her eyes along all her features, as if she was trying to find a crack in a facade; however, Peridot’s genuine sympathy was the only thing she found.

And for a split moment, she thought maybe Peridot _can_ be the one to make her feel better.

Desperate, she pulled up against the green gem and pressed her lips needily onto hers, catching her bottom lip and nipping gently. Peridot weakly reciprocated, although stalled slightly with the unexpectedness of the sudden kiss, yet soon compellingly pressing up along the water gem’s top lip, before feeling it begin to quiver.

Lapis was shivering.

It didn't feel better. Hell, it didn't even feel _right_.

Lapis pulled away with a whine of frustration; she wanted it to be better. She wanted Peridot to be the one to make her feel better but… She wasn't the one that can do that.

But it's not like Lapis was going to tell her that.

“You already make me feel better. But--” Lapis lied bitterly while drawing in a sharp breath of air, “--You don't understand how I feel. And hopefully, you never will.”

Unceremoniously, her arms let go to let herself drop out of the embrace and back onto the floor with a pained whimper. Peridot didn't question her when she turned over to her side, away from the small confused gem.

Lapis really wanted it to be Peridot. She wanted her to be the gem to make her feel better. Yet the kiss felt as numb as her body, and she grimaced at the lack of warmth in herself.

Disgustingly enough, she found herself thinking back to what she said. Ripping Jasper open. Splitting her raw. Making her understand how it felt to be torn open and bled against the floor.

And in some vile, twisted way, Lapis found an ounce of warmth from those lurid thoughts.

 

\-----------------------

 

“I n-never chose anyone, Peridot. There was never a choice to begin with!” Lapis defensively snapped back, hoping the small gem would back down before she said anything to make Jasper even more uncomfortable with her. Pleadingly, she tossed a glance at Garnet to help calm the situation, but she seemed indifferent to the drama.

Lapis hissed in realizing she purposefully brought Peridot here to start it.

“No choice…? You could've had _me_! You--” the green gem yanked slightly on Lapis’ arm to force the blue gem to lean down, on eye level with Peridot, “--Could've _chose_ me instead of going around and _fucking_ Jasper!”

Lapis suddenly yelped when she felt the Quartz pull her other arm from behind, jerking her away from Peridot and causing her to stumble back into Jasper’s broad frame, whom was quick to catch Lapis up in her large arms.

“Why would you think for a second she would choose you? You're not even in this equation,” Jasper defensively growled, still upset with Lapis but muffling it with jealousy-driven protection for the only gem there that actually cared for the Quartz. Even while wary of Lapis’ true feelings and thoughts about her, Jasper was still certain of her own. She didn’t want Lapis near Peridot whilst she was causing the blue gem so much distress; even in her arms, she could feel Lapis tremble from the confrontation.

“--J-Jasper--” Lapis just barely started to prevent what she saw coming, but she was immediately cut off by Peridot.

“Yes I AM in the equation. Who do you think stayed with her that week you promised to leave?!?”

Jasper scoffed. “Don't tell me you developed a _little crush_ on Lapis while she was trying to recover. That's sick.”

The green gem hissed at Jasper’s semi-hypocritical jab, hands clenching into fists that she wished she could hit the Quartz with. But Jasper was much too strong, physically at least, and so she'll have to instead hurt her with the truth.

“ _I_ developed a crush?! It's the other way around, Jasper. _She_ was trying to get with _me_.” Peridot stated with a confident stance, watching the Quartz’ arms suddenly grow weak around Lapis. The blue gem bore an awful expression, sniveling as she squirmed against Jasper so that she wasn't dropped, even if she wasn’t being held that far off the floor.

“I-It was just a kiss, Jasper!! That's all I did!!”

Jasper released Lapis, who was too shaken to catch herself and landed on her hands and knees with a wince. The Quartz took a stumble of a step back, with a mixture of pain and confusion on her face. Why did Lapis feel the need to keep something like that secret…?

“Sure, that was all you did, but you definitely said a few things too that I think Jasper is in the dark about.” Peridot pressed, stepping up to loom over the blue gem.

“P-please don't tell her. Please, I'm sorry wh-what happened with us, it j-just didn't feel right when we kissed--” Lapis begged pleadingly, sitting up to tilt her head up at Peridot.

“Tell me _what_??” She heard the Quartz growl behind her, although with much pain in her words.

Peridot ignored her, further calling Lapis out.

“You have to be joking, Lapis… It didn’t feel RIGHT!? And what about with Jasper…? You two have kissed, I assume?” The green gem coldly questioned, with pain behind her own voice. “Or have you two not gotten much further than _hate-fucking_ one another?”

Lapis suddenly pressed against the floor to push herself up with a lackluster sway, not having much control in her state of mind. Her sorrowful expression was beginning to show subliminal tones of rage, directing onto the green gem before her.

“Do you really want to know if Jasper’s kiss felt better?? Because it's starting to sound like you're just upset that ours didn't.”

Peridot’s eyes narrowed. “You're avoiding my question. It did, didn't it?”

“Why does it _matter_?!?” Lapis spat back, finally losing her last chance to keep Peridot from staying silent on what she didn’t want the Quartz hearing.

“It matters because all you wanted to do the entirety of that week was _tear her apart_! How could it feel better to kiss someone, that in your own damn words, you wanted ‘ _on the floor, raw and bleeding_ ’?? It’s wrong, Lapis!”

Lapis swallowed dryly, not even given time to react as the gem behind her cut in.

“What the _fuck_ is she talking about?!” The Quartz demanded before grabbing Lapis by the forearm and yanking back for the water gem to forcibly face her, grabbing her chin in her large hand so Lapis couldn't turn away.

Jasper’s chest ached despite her aggressive demeanor; she knew Lapis had been angry enough to have done what was done, but was that all she wanted for that whole week? She’d assumed all this time that Lapis merely had a relapse in anger, a spur of the moment opportunity to pin Jasper down; not something she was hoping and dreaming to do for a whole week. In the Quartz’ eyes, it was feeling more and more like Lapis wouldn't be with her if it wasn't for the guilt of Jasper apologizing right before Lapis split her in half and sent her back into her gem. Jasper began to feel the smaller gem whimper where she gripped into her face, not letting go until she got an answer.

Lapis finally began sobbing again, and the Quartz sympathetically lightened her grip; even on the chance it was true Lapis really didn't care for her on an emotional level and was merely trying to fix what she had done, Jasper still had honest feelings for her. Lapis was the only other gem she wanted to understand. To protect. To be with.

Garnet finally had to intervene, deeming the situation too out of hand as she pried the very much distraught Lapis from Jasper’s grasp.

“I think it's obvious enough. Jasper, your business with her is settled-- she stuck by you until you two were healed enough to fuse, therefore by extension you are well enough to fair without this unhealthy codependence.”

Everyone was silent for a split second, awaiting the Quartz’ compliance, only to have Lapis scream in protest and jerk out of Garnet’s arms, stumbling until she stood at the epicenter of all three of them.

“STOP YANKING ME AROUND!! I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN--” she yelled before catching herself, throwing a sorrowful look apologetically at Jasper, who was brushing against the bottom of her eyes bitterly despite her expression still trying to convey strength. “I didn't want any of this to happen, but… But it did. I-I trapped Jasper in Malachite. She took advantage of me. I kissed Peridot to feel better. I hurt Jasper back. She… She apologized. She finally understood. Yeah, I never wanted any of that to happen, but it did, and… And…”

She pitifully glanced back to Peridot and Garnet. “And now, Jasper is the only thing that makes me feel better. Our relationship doesn't expire once she recovers from what I did to her-- so you all have to stop thinking that that's the only reason I'm staying.”

She caught the eyes of Peridot, captured in her words but lost in memory. Her irises speckled with fear, and concern for her former roommate.

After all, Peridot never saw anything good happen when Jasper and Lapis were together.

 

\-----------------------

 

The fields where the barn was tucked in felt cold and nightmarish; Peridot didn't know where she was running too, she only knew what she was running from.

An hour ago, Lapis was finally seeming like her old self, draped over the couch and occasionally scoffing at the book she was reading. Half an hour ago, heavy rain weighed down the dreary clouds and sent the area into a downpour. Ten minutes ago, Jasper showed up and got pinned onto the floor by Lapis. Five minutes ago, Peridot fled the barn in a dazed shock, feeling nauseous and delirious from the beginnings of what Lapis had been threatening to do for a week.

This very second, Lapis was in the barn having her way with Jasper.

Peridot regretted indulging in human food earlier that day, because she began retching up her stomach’s contents. She felt her hand grip to lean onto something damp and textured-- a tree, maybe-- as her throat scorched with acidic bile, hurling up soon after onto the damp grassy ground. Eyes squeezed shut, the only sensations she felt was the disgusting feeling of vomit and the trickle of unsympathetically cold rain beating down on her back from where she leaned over.

She didn’t think Lapis would actually do it. Her friend, the gem she’s been sharing the same barn with… Never would Peridot think she had so much anger in her to do this. Sure, Jasper was an unforgivable abuser for what she’d done, but that didn’t mean she deserved getting physically destroyed back. No one does.

And yet here she was, letting it happen.

She was letting Lapis get away with it. Peridot had to catch Jasper’s desperate eyes in her pinned, subdued state, and… walk away.

A seize of coughs halted her dry heaving, and the shaken green gem finally began to straighten up and try focusing. After all, being so terrified and shocked, she had fled in whatever direction she chose in the moment; not only did she not know where she was, but she did not know what she was going to do. Eventually, she’s due to come back to the barn, and the stars have mercy if she does and Lapis isn’t quite finished with Jasper.

Should she… get the Crystal Gems…?

Another heave tore through her unexpectedly, at the thought that Lapis would be punished for what she was doing. There's no way actions like this go by without consequences, which made her head ache in curiosity to as why Lapis didn’t let Peridot tell them what happened in the first place, back when Jasper was the only one in the wrong. If she would’ve, Jasper would’ve been caught and bubbled away, and this nightmare wouldn’t have to play out the way it was.

Another throb hit the inside of her skull. Was Lapis trying to protect Jasper by not telling the Crystal Gems? Or… did she not want anyone in her way from getting her revenge?

Whichever it was, she shivered at both ideas. This was all wrong. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

She just wanted her friend back.

 

\-----------------------

 

Finally, Peridot was the one to let out a distressed whimper, reaching under her visor to swipe off the start of a few tears on her lashes.

“I-I’m sorry but I… Just really wanted to be the one to make you feel better.” the green gem croaked out, taking in a deep breath.

“I know I sound unfair, or hell, even jealous. But I'm not, I _want_ you to get better, Lapis… I just can't imagine Jasper being the one to do that after all the things you threatened-- _and actually did_ \-- to her.” She finally confessed, with the result being a sharp stare from Garnet as she was straying a bit from her plan. She brought Peridot here to rile a fight between Lapis and Jasper to separate them, not to talk it out and try and understand why they chose each other.

Lapis let out a shaky sigh, a bit of her relieved that her and Peridot weren't yelling at each other anymore. “I know-- I just wanted her to understand, and it was taken out of hand. You didn't need to be there when it happened… I’m sorry, Peridot.”

The green gem sniveled a bit, but nodded anyway to accept the apology. “I-I shouldn't have left you after that. It was just hard to see you do such bad things… And then stay with Jasper afterwards, despite all it.”

Lapis pulled the small gem into an embrace. “I’m not very good, and I have a history of not doing good things. I never understood why you thought I was. And I never questioned when you left after finding out I was bad,” she felt the green gem’s hand grip harshly into her as she continued. “But if you can accept that I'm not all that good, then maybe… You don't have to leave again?”

Bewildered, Jasper wanted to intervene but was still wiping at her eyes trying to recover from the emotional blow of knowing Lapis had premeditated hurting her back. So she stayed silent, and Garnet was the one who had to intervene.

“She's not staying here too, Lapis.” She sourly concluded, irritated that her plan fell apart.

“Well… Why can't I?” Peridot cut in, pulling out of her embrace with Lapis to look up at Garnet.

“Because Jasper is dangerous! We're already putting Lapis at risk by letting her keep her, and we're not doing that with you too.”

The Quartz hissed, finally stepping back in. “Why am I still the problem here? I haven’t done _anything_ since I've been staying here.”

Garnet threw a bitter look at Jasper. “You have a bad history with your temper, _and_ a tendency of physically acting on it.”

Reminded once more of Jasper’s capabilities-- and Lapis’ too-- Peridot crossed her arms with a frown. “M-maybe not stay here, per se, but is there really anything bad against me visiting them?”

The fusion reached to pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration, pushing slightly up on her visor in doing so. “Since when are you _siding_ with them?? You know for yourself how bad they are for each other!”

Lapis took a step back to stand beside the Quartz, but Jasper bitterly folded her arms and leaned away. She was still upset with the water gem.

“I never said I think they work great with each other, but I trust Lapis. And Lapis says they make each other better.” Peridot persisted, earning an exhausted sigh from Garnet.

“I think we need to talk in private about this; you told me earlier you wanted them separated, too.”

The water gem hissed, with Garnet confirming her belief that she brought Peridot here to start drama. Which sadly worked; Jasper kept avoiding eye contact with her ever since she heard the ‘raw and bleeding’ thing from Peridot.

“Private?? Like… Outside?” The green gem asked a tad confused; they were at the barn with Lapis and Jasper, and couldn't just cut them from the conversation.

Garnet sighed. “No. We're going back to the Temple-- I’m deeming this the end of our visit.” She turned towards the exit, and began walking towards it before Peridot had time to scramble to pace up alongside her, not wanting to be left behind despite not wanting to leave, either.

“ _Take care of yourself_ , Lapis Lazuli.” She called out before disappearing out of the barn with Peridot. It was perhaps the only genuinely sympathetic words she had spoken throughout the entire visit.

Jasper didn't speak to her for the entirety of the night. They didn't cuddle, or kiss, or even go near each other. Lapis would've made some move or said something to break the cold tension, but honestly she didn't know what could be said. She can't lie to Jasper; she honestly did in a way want to hurt her back, and fantasized about it for an entire week before doing it. But it's not like that now, she didn't want to hurt her anymore. Hell, she never truly wanted to hurt her then either; she only wanted Jasper to understand how it felt.

It made her sick to her stomach. It was bad enough to have done what she did, but it was worse that Lapis honesty knew that merely thinking about ripping Jasper apart made her feel better during that awful week when she was recovering.

And that wasn't something she could easily admit to Jasper.

The late morning of the next day brought in lazy clouds, dark and heavy. They painted the sky in a monochromatic hue of dreary greys and silvers, and by the afternoon rain had meekly began to drizzle. It was the first time it had rained since Jasper showed up a little over two weeks ago in a downpour, and just as the barn house winced from the awful battering of rain, so did the Quartz at the horrid memories plaguing her throughout the day. She made an effort to stay even _further_ away from Lapis, and the water gem noticed.

But it felt terrible to be avoided, and Lapis couldn't stand the silence anymore.

Marching across the barn to the little corner Jasper had secluded to herself, she stood over the Quartz where she sat with a book in hand, and crossed her arms to be acknowledged. She knew Jasper was aware she was there; the Quartz’ broad shoulders instinctively jumped when Lapis suddenly approached her, but when she didn't make any further move, Jasper settled back down and pretended Lapis wasn't there.

The blue gem tore the book out of her hands and tossed it aside when the Quartz kept the silent treatment up.

“I know you're upset about what Peridot said.” Lapis asserted, breaking the persisting tension that hasn't let up since the evening before.

Jasper groaned in irritation, reluctantly rolling her eyes up at Lapis from where she sat.

“What do you want from me?” She hissed, sounding weary and tired, yet full of annoyance over the blue gem’s insistence to talk.

“You haven’t said anything about it.”

Jasper shrugged. “What's there to say? You spent a week _dying_ to get your way with me, and you did. Congrats.”

The Quartz went to reach for the book Lapis had so coldly tossed aside, only for the water gem to give it slight kick with her foot to slide it out of reach from her. Jasper groaned even louder.

“There's more to it and you know that,” Lapis insisted to recapture her focus.

“Oh, you mean the part about you kissing Peridot? Yeah, congrats on that too.”

The blue gem sighed and uncrossed her arms. “I know you're upset. Don't you want to talk about this?”

There was another roll of her eyes, with Jasper looking coldly indifferent. “No, but it sounds like you're planning on trapping me in a conversation anyway.”

“You feel upset that I kissed her.”

The Quartz groaned. “No, I feel upset you didn't tell me.”

“You’re sad that I wanted to hurt you.”

Jasper glared up at her. “Also wrong. I'm not sad, and you're really bad at this.”

Finally, Lapis sank down to her knees in front of her, causing the Quartz to now have to look down to face Lapis.

“Why can’t you admit you're sad? Haven't we gotten past the whole ‘show no weakness’ thing?” Her hand gently reached out to go over Jasper’s, but the Quartz violently pulled her hand away.

“I’m. Not. Sad.” She gritted out through clenched teeth, and Lapis could see the muscles in her jaw tighten.

“I-I’m just trying to talk through this, Jasper. Please, just give me something to work with.”

The Quartz’ eyes narrowed piercingly, her lips slightly pursing. “Fine. I’m angry.”

Lapis blinked, a bit taken aback by that. “T-that's okay, Jasper. You can be angry, it's pretty fair after what's happened--”

“No. I can't be.”

“Huh?” The water gem knitted her brow at the interruption.

“I can't be angry. So I'm keeping my distance.”

At that, Lapis’ lip pulled into a frown. It wasn't wise nor healthy for either of them to be ignoring what had happened, and if Jasper was angry about it, they needed to talk it through.

“Yes, you can. You can be angry, and you don't have to be distant.” Lapis pressed, earning a hiss from the Quartz as she pushed herself up off the floor, turning to walk away.

In a split second, Lapis was up on her feet too, grabbing at Jasper’s arm to keep her from leaving. Scowling, the Quartz stopped abruptly and glared down coldly at the blue gem. Those golden eyes that have learned to revere Lapis so tenderly seemed piercing and frustrated, being much intolerant to Lapis’ desire to get her to open up.

“Let me walk _away_ , Lapis. We're done here.”

The water gem’s tiny, slender fingers only gripped tighter into the Quartz’ skin at that, even if they wouldn't do much to actually hold Jasper back from walking away if she really wanted to. If anything, the large Quartz mainly stayed put out of obligation to the water gem’s incessant efforts, as she knew continuing to walk away would not do much to halt Lapis from bothering her.

“I'm not letting you go until we talk about this! Why are you so determined to be _DISTANT_!?!” The blue gem nearly screamed, watching Jasper’s pupils momentary narrow in rage as she twisted her arm out of Lapis’ grasp, before capturing both of her small hands and pushing back to throw Lapis against the wall, with Jasper’s large frame closing in above her and keeping her pinned in place. The daze of the motion was so unexpectedly aggressive that Lapis hit the curve of her gem against the wall bluntly without arching her back to minimize impact, sending a tremor of pain through her stone that stung enough to make her eyes involuntarily water.

“Is this what you want, Lazuli?? Do you _like_ making me angry???” Jasper lowly growled in a voice the blue gem had long last heard directed at her, as the Quartz released one of Lapis’ hands to let it fall to her side in a mixture of shock and confusion at the sudden change of events. Her now free hand gripped Lapis’ face, forcing her to meet the Quartz’ sharp eyes. Lapis tried to open her mouth to speak, but her head was swimming and she couldn’t quite grasp any words.

Jasper sneered. “This _is_ what you want, isn't it? Or would you rather have me on the floor, ‘ _raw and bleeding_ ’, right?”

She felt Lapis desperately begin to tug at the hand Jasper held against the wall, finally having her mental state catch up with her current position, as Lapis grew a distressed frown on her face. “I-I told you I don't want to hurt you anymore, Jasper! I was just upset at the time!”

“But _you_ sure want to get hurt, don't you Lapis? You would've left me alone if you didn't--” the Quartz cruelly spat, and Lapis felt that large hand finally release her face, only to snake behind her and trailing over her sore gem, making her shiver whilst sending painful tingles at the eerie intent of what she thought Jasper might want from her. The Quartz pressed her forefinger against it mercilessly, earning a pained groan from Lapis as she squirmed to pull away, only to find herself restrained firmly against the wall to prevent any escape. Suddenly, just when Lapis thought Jasper couldn’t get any worse, that hand slide up and began to toy with the tie behind her neck that held up her top. Her large fingers teased at the knot, and it shot a pain of fear in Lapis’ stomach.

“Get your fucking hands _off_ me! Why are you acting like this?!” Lapis cried out, pushing with all her strength with her free hand against Jasper’s chest. Surprisingly enough, Jasper withdrew her hand from her tie and let go of the slender blue hand she held against the wall, taking a few generous steps back and crossing her arms, her sinister demeanor completely gone and her eyes returning back to their old, irritated state.

“Because you forgot that's how I act when I'm _angry_ , Lapis!! But I made that stupid promise not to hurt you again, so I can't do anything about it!! So that's why I'm fucking distant!!” She turned her head bitterly away, and Lapis meekly rubbed her sore wrist realizing now that Jasper was only trying to remind her what she could get like. It was partially relieving to know it was just that, but the entire act was still very convincing and left the lithe gem quite shaken up.

“When you're angry you… Y-you want to _hurt_ me?” The blue gem murmured quietly, dropping her eyes to the floor.

“Don't act so damn meek; we both know with this rain you can have me pinned on the floor in a heartbeat if I sincerely tried anything.”

Lapis brought her eyes back up at that. “But if it weren't raining…?”

Jasper sucked in a dry draw of air. “I promised not to hurt you, so I'm _not_ going to hurt you.”

The blue gem’s bottom lip quivered at the idea that it was a mere promise keeping the Quartz from continuing doing as she wished with Lapis, until Jasper cut in to correct that thought.

“And I don't _want_ to hurt you, I just… Tend to hurt those around me when I'm angry,” she let out a shaky huff, with a tinge of distress starting to come through. “I’m… I’m sorry you had to be around me when I was mad about Malachite those weeks ago. I… I didn't want to hurt you then, either.”

The blue gem swallowed dryly, before hesitantly reaching out to settle her hand on the Quartz’ forearm. She kept it there when she realized Jasper didn't flinch from her touch.

“Are you mad because… Because you think that I _did_ want to hurt you?” Her voice was soft, and already forgiving on the Quartz.

“I don't know, b-but... F-for a whole week, Lapis…? Was h-hurting me all you really thought about for a whole week…?” The edge of her voice just barely shook, but Jasper was still making a valiant effort to stay composed.

“It was just easy to blame everything on you in my head-- Jasper, I wanted you to still want me and still beg to fuse with me, but it felt like you took th-that away w-when you…” Lapis quietly trailed off, needing a moment of her own to organize herself. “I-it just felt better if I entertained my dark thoughts with you, because I… I could picture you as a villain so easily. But then you apologized, and I realized you were never the villain.”

A large hand softly went to meet hers where she held it against the Quartz, curling to hold it. “I… I get that. I felt the same way when I thought of you…” Jasper drew out sorrowfully, running her thumb in idle circles on top of Lapis’ hand. The blue gem sighed, leaning forward to pull her free arm around in and embrace the Quartz. She was glad they could talk about it. And while the truth did sting a bit, it was better than a lie.

Perhaps Lapis was still shaken up about the aggressive shove against the wall, and perhaps Jasper was still nervous getting close to Lapis whilst it rained. But they both didn't question it when they remained against one another, the water gem slightly shivering when she felt Jasper’s hand return to her back, trailing up it much softer this time before stopping at the base of her gemstone.

“I didn't hurt you, right…? W-when I pressed into your gem?” The Quartz inquired as she outlined the edge of where Lapis’ stone met her skin, feeling for any distress she may have caused. Lapis shook her head where it was pressed into Jasper’s chest.

“I-it was just startling. I forgot how rough you can get.” She responded, thinking back to how gentle the Quartz have consciously been with her. It must be a tad difficult at time, making sure she wasn’t too harsh or aggressive with Lapis’ much smaller, fragile body. How she could retain such soft touches with the water gem was almost impressive; nothing about Quartz soldiers were ever meant to be gentle.

“You don't like having your gemstone touched, do you?” The larger gem inquired, trailing her hand back down to settle on Lapis’ lower back when she discovered no damage from her warning display of aggression. Jasper internally chided herself for slipping up that much; she didn't have to get that excessively physical with Lapis to show that she was dangerous when she's mad. Especially pressing against her gem and acting as if she was going to undo her top-- it was an unnecessarily scary move on her part, and the Quartz was surprised a bit that Lapis took it so well. She would've felt terribly heartbroken if it made the water gem relapse in memory back to when Jasper _was_ serious about forcibly taking her.

The smaller gem murmured against Jasper’s chest, and the Quartz had to pull away slightly to hear what she had to say.

“I don't like it when you seem like you’ll hurt my gem. You… you had me convinced for a moment… that…” Lapis’ voice trailed off darkly, shivering a bit at imagining how aggressive Jasper’s hand felt when she was trying to illustrate her point.

“Did… I really frighten you…? You had the rain, s-so I didn't think you'd actually get too scared--”

“I wouldn't use the rain on you even if you _were_ serious.” The water gem coldly cut in, looking up to the Quartz’ apologetic eyes with an old pain in hers.

“I know you hate when I use water against you, Jasper.” She softly continued, reaching a hand behind to tangle into the Quartz’ thick hair.

Knitting her brow in concern, Jasper gave a soothing and benevolent rub of her hand where it was settled behind Lapis’ back. “You would rather let me hurt you again than use water against me??” She broke out, her tone low and heartbroken. She wouldn’t never have shoved her against the wall if she knew Lapis would feel that defenseless.

Her question was met with a shrug from the blue gem, biting her lip as she knew she didn't have had the willpower to stop the Quartz if things really did play out like that. If Jasper really was serious, Lapis wouldn't stop her with water, and it's not like she had the physical strength to prevent Jasper from doing anything with her. There was no extent to how grateful she was that it was merely a reminding threat.

“I… I tore you _apart_ with water. It wouldn't be fair.” She finally responded, and the Quartz immediately began shaking her head.

“No… You can't be fine with letting something like that happen! I don't care if you think it's fair or not, you had every right to stop me!!” Jasper tried to come off assertive, but she could hear her own words sound more like pleads. It didn't feel right that Lapis would've let that happen to herself.

The water gem gave another feeble shake of her head, gripping her hand further into the larger gem’s hair. She didn't want to think about why she wouldn't intervene. Her feelings were so muddled, they were clashing her will of self-preservation and fear of pain against her desire for Jasper to have what she wanted, no matter what that is. It was hard to value one of the feelings over another; she cared about both too much.

“I wouldn't _let_ it happen. It’ll just be… very conflicting trying to stop you. We’ve just gotten so much better lately, the last thing I would want to do is throw all that away,” she sighed, despite knowing if Jasper honestly did try to forcibly have her way with her again, then their progress would become demolished by default. Whether or not Lapis would fight hard enough to stop her would have no outcome in what would be salvageable from their relationship afterwards.

There was a slight noise from Jasper, sounding concerned and thinking back to when Garnet said her and Lapis had an unhealthy codependence with each other. She didn’t like thinking of what she had with Lapis as being unhealthy though, she felt past that. Indirectly, she began to grip perhaps a little to roughly into Lapis’ lower back, consciously forgetting to be gentle again. But the water gem felt no hostility in the move, and instead only sorrow; Lapis didn’t shiver in fear this time.

“I don’t want us to stop getting better,” Jasper quietly whimpered, soundly uncharacteristically miserable at the notion they could fall apart. The irritation and frustration that originally sparked from Lapis’ persistence to make her talk were now mellowed out and cooperative, seeing no real reason to hold back how she felt now.

“We don’t have to. We’ve been working out perfectly fine,” The smaller gem exaggerated, knowing well that they’ve had more than a few moments where it might’ve been easier to split off and heal by themselves.

“Who’s to say we’re even getting that much better…? Is not tearing each other apart really something we should be proud of??” The Quartz question pessimistically, fully trying to understand where Garnet must be coming from when she said they’re unfit for each other.

“We fused, Jasper! That’s proof enough,” the smaller gem was quick to insist.

The Quartz gave a wince. “You seized control over Malachite and we ended up having to unfuse. That’s not much progress from before.”

“But… but we were able to get intimate as Malachite, that’s something we haven’t been able to do before!” Lapis persisted optimistically in a pleading voice, nearly begging Jasper to agree with her.

There was a shake of the Quartz’ head, as she bore her eyes apologetically down onto Lapis. “That’s not progress if we only did it because we can’t get intimate when we're unfused.”

“Well… We just now got through a fight, and we were able to work it out!”

“Again, no. I shoved you against the wall; I could’ve broken your trust with me.”

Lapis hissed in frustration. “What about that trust then? Having it in the first place is progress!”

“No, having it in the first place is a hazard. You were willing to let me continue without intervening; therefore, no progress.”

“Well, you cried in front of me a handful of times, and you hate showing weakness. Therefore, progress.”

“I cried because I was too broken to hold it in. Therefore, no progress, again.” Jasper ended her words with a scowl, and Lapis couldn’t help but drop her eyes away. Taking a deep breath, she bowed her head just enough so that her forehead touched against the Quartz’s chest, whimpering bitterly over how Jasper was so adamant on concluding they’ve made no progress with each other. She could feel the larger gem sigh in exhaustion.

Lapis’ small hand released from where they were entangled with the Quartz’ hair, wrapping around as far as she could around Jasper’s large torso, clingy and desperate. “B-but… you don’t finch from my touches, anymore. Have you noticed that….? Is that not us getting _better_ …?” Lapis broke out, low and on the verge of a sob, as she was desperate to have anything to be deemed improvement between them.

Jasper blinked twice in realization that Lapis was right; throughout the entire embrace, even in the midst of a rainy drizzle, she has not recoiled from the water gem’s touches. She actually found comfort and bliss in them, despite it being very recent that she’d instinctively flinch away as if Lapis meant her harm.

A warm smile broke across the Quartz’ face, and a sudden relief came over herself.

Garnet was wrong. They _were_ getting better.

“You’re… right. You’re actually right about that one, Lapis,” she cooed sweetly to the blue gem clinging against her, just barely saving Lapis from crying again. The small gem looked back up, a bit taken aback at Jasper’s agreement, and nearly broke out a smile herself to just how ecstatic the Quartz appeared to realize like they actually had something good happening between them. Those large hands joyously gripped into Lapis’ hips to lift her, just far enough that the small gem could hook her legs around Jasper to hold herself up, allowing them to pull in easily for an affectionately tender kiss. It was short-lived but warmly sweet, with Jasper having to break it off early when she couldn’t help smiling.

Lapis only returned the joy tenfold, nearly laughing over the Quartz’ grin breaking off their kiss prematurely. It earned a slight blush from Jasper, who was beaming too much to bother hiding it. “Perhaps we _have_ been making progress, after all.” She finally agreed, and she could swear her words sparked radiant stars in Lapis’ eyes.

It made the blue gem tear up once again, but this time it wasn’t from sadness.

They were going to make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. They _still_ haven't had that consensual sex I've been promising since chapter 2, but I GUARANTEE you guys that it's happening in the next chapter. It's already set up, the characters are finally ready, and now they're gonna get to fuck.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry I'm late to replying to all the comments this time, I caught a really bad cold and I've seriously been in a NyQuil-induced sleep whenever I wasn't awake and writing this. This chapter also turned out longer than I thought, I totally wanted it done by Wednesday but it's become a scheduled thing to have these updates on Fridays now. The next chapter shouldn't be that long so maybe this time around I can update within a few days.
> 
> Please leave your comments because they give me life and I honesty try to write in some of the things you guys want <3 <3 <3


	6. Tonight We Are Victorious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Jasper fuck, and some things are said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking. Yeah, this chapter is almost 10,000 words long, so there's probably some plot or build-up or something. But no, you'll be wrong. It's literally just fucking. I wrote almost 10,000 words of just fucking. It was not suppose to be this long, hell it's longer than the chapter before this. And it's seriously nothing more than sex. It picks up right where the last chapter ended so there's no need for build up or anything.
> 
> I'm just as surprised as you are so yeah hopefully it was worth the wait! It's not even soft sex it's goddamn rough and long but hey this is literally my first go at a consensual smut scene so I tried a few new things out. Hope it's alright <3

At one point or another, Jasper gave the smaller gem another celebratory kiss, with the blue gem still wrapped around her waist beaming with joy. After all, as little progress as it was, it was a big deal Jasper wasn't pained by Lapis’ touches anymore. While it never stopped them before from occasional embraces and cuddles, it always got in the way and made their contact with each other bitterly short. But now more than ever they were making up for it, with Lapis needily pressing as much as she could against the larger gem, her arms wrapped behind Jasper’s neck as leverage to deepen their kiss.

While it may have started simple and chaste, the kiss grew more desperate by the second, with Lapis feeling the tip of Jasper’s warm tongue tease her lips for entrance, which the water gem was eager to give. Her mouth immediately parted with a slight pant feeling Jasper press pass her lips, and the Quartz took advantage of the distraction she made as she moved down to bite on Lapis’ bottom lip, a bit too caught up in the heat of the moment to realize she began to dig her teeth in hard enough to reopen the cuts from Malachite. She wouldn't have known if there wasn't a slight tinge of blood tasting her mouth from where she was biting, faint but undeniable present.

Jasper was about to pull back to check if Lapis was okay, until she heard a noise.

The hazy morning rain wasn't quite loud enough to drown it out. It was a moan, yearning and low.

It was coming from Lapis.

The Quartz froze her movements, in debate if that moan was decidedly one of pleasure and she should continue, or if she should still pull away and check up with the water gem to be completely sure she wasn't hurting her. But before she had a chance to decide between either, Lapis used her hesitation to seize control of the kiss, leaning to harshly bite the plump top lip of the Quartz whilst digging her nails slightly into her shoulder muscles to hold onto the larger gem.

Lapis could feel it cause Jasper to come undone, as the hands at her slender hips began gripping in mercilessly to the point that Lapis was sure there will be bruises. But at this moment she didn't quite care, and was willing to wear any markings that'll become of this. After all, they will be hers, and she will be making them with Jasper, and that was all she really cared about.

The Quartz was quick to reassert herself, not letting Lapis hold control long while she pulled the smaller gem up higher on her with where she was gripping her hips, allowing Jasper to break off their kiss to press her lips heatedly on Lapis’ neck. Trailing little kisses along the tender blue skin, the water gem threw her head back with a moan to allow Jasper more access, giving the Quartz permission to continue.

Although it perhaps wasn't the gentlest move she could've done, Jasper rather aggressively bit down on the soft skin of Lapis’ neck, feeling the smaller gem slightly jump from the sensation of teeth bearing down to leave even more bruises on her. There was a soft whimper when Jasper began grazing her sharp canines against her, but when the Quartz gave a glance up to see if the whimper was out of pain, she saw how brightly Lapis was blushing from desire, nearly chuckling from where she was pressed against her neck to see the water gem actually enjoy the roughness of the Quartz.

This time around, she was a tad more careful not to draw blood when she bit down, noting that Lapis’ throat tensed under her mouth whenever she pressed her teeth in too hard. Keeping this in mind, she continuously bit, slowly moving her mouth lower until she felt the fabric of Lapis’ halter strap brush against her bottom lip. Jasper wasn't sure if the smaller gem had even notice she reached her strap, as Lapis was panting heavily and didn't seem to be aware very much of _where_ the Quartz was biting, as she was more so just paying attention to the fact it felt amazing that she did.

Jasper ceased the nips to swipe her tongue parallel to the halter strap, with the sensation of her warm tongue running over skin finally bringing Lapis to the attention that Jasper was at her strap. Blinking thrice, she finally looked down, quite flushed and mouth agape with deep breaths as she met the Quartz’ eager golden eyes.

“Can I?” Jasper moaned deeply against her neck, sending shivers down the smaller gem’s back as she readjusted her grip around the Quartz’ shoulders so that she didn't lose her leverage.

“We don't have to-- mnnn…” the Quartz drew out when Lapis didn't answer right away, giving a simple, sweet kiss against her skin to show she understood if Lapis didn't want to get sexual this soon. They haven't made it this far out of Malachite so comfortably with each other, after all. “Just say the word and I’ll stop--”

“No. Don’t stop… _please_ don't stop…” Lapis whined back, digging her nails into Jasper’s shoulders with need and desire.

The Quartz gave a slight chuckle, parting her mouth against the skin of her neck again. “You’re always so vague, Lapis… Don't stop _what_ …? Tell me _exactly_ what you want me doing right now,” teasingly, she ended her words with a little nip into the already tender and bruised blue skin, wanting to hear Lapis admit she wanted Jasper to keep biting.

The smaller gem squirmed against her, unsated and realizing Jasper was purposefully playing her game with her again. After all, Malachite must've been a huge push for her confidence, and she was already seeming like her usual, cocky self. But Lapis knew the Quartz was just as worked up as her, and instead of playing along, she decided it'll only be fair if she got to tease back.

“Mmmmn… what I want…? I want you _moaning_.” The water gem suddenly asserted, watching it surprise the Quartz enough as Lapis grabbed a handful of her thick hair and pulled back to yank Jasper off her neck, exposing her own for the smaller gem to then move down to. Without any mercy or hesitation, she bit down into the hard muscle in the nook of the Quartz’ shoulder and neck, making her gasp unexpectedly. Passionately paying back the bites Jasper gave her, Lapis could feel the throat under her mouth rumble deeply with a moan. But suddenly, Jasper broke it with hesitation.

“W-wait Lapis, are you _sure_ we shouldn’t stop now…?” she groaned lowly at the smaller gem’s seize of control. “You know, before we go too far and regret it…?”

The last thing Jasper wanted was for this to be a spur of the moment decision to set them back on their progress. After all, the Quartz had just recently gotten comfortable enough to be touched all over by the blue gem, and while she felt prepared to go further, she wasn't sure if Lapis was thinking straight enough to know if this was a decision she wanted.

"Regrets are for those who made mistakes. Do you think this will become a mistake, Jasper…?” She murmured softly back, and the Quartz could hear the certainty in her voice to continue. But her question was genuine; this time, she was the one giving Jasper the chance to back out.

Yet, hearing how certain Lapis’ voice was the only reassurance the Quartz needed to continue, and she was fast to show that this was something she wanted.

The water gem yelped suddenly, pulling off Jasper’s neck when she felt a hand leave her hip to grab and jerk back on her halter tie, effectively tugging her off. She hissed when Jasper held her firmly in place by it, easily going back down on her sensitive neck to viciously drag her teeth along the blue skin punishingly. This time, upon reach her strap, Jasper merely took it between her teeth and tore it clean off, spitting out the fabric to grin at Lapis.

“You're such a brute. I could've phased it off,” the water gem cooed, feeling the hand behind her that was previously holding her in place by her tie drop down to the edge of her top’s fabric beneath her gemstone, scratching slightly to get her large fingers under it.

“Didn't want you to. It's more fun undressing you,” she teased as Lapis heard another tear of fabric, realizing Jasper was ripping at the back of her top to remove it entirely. After all, just tearing off the straps by themselves didn't do too much, as the majority of the top still clung and covered her. But when the Quartz shredded the last of the fabric going across Lapis’ back, she felt the remainder of her ruined halter top fall off effortlessly to the floor, leaving her gasping at the exposure and blushing even brighter.

Panting when she felt that large hand triumphantly knead into her lower back, Lapis immediately leaned fully against the large Quartz to steady herself, pressing her bare chest against her and effectively keeping Jasper from seeing her.

There was a nuzzle from Lapis into Jasper’s neck, whining slightly from embarrassment. The last time Jasper actually saw the blue gem topless was back when she was mad about Malachite, and Lapis wasn't sure if the Quartz really remembered that she was rather small, unlike how they were fused together. When they were fused, their hand can grip onto their breast without even coming close to fitting around the whole thing; but separated, Jasper was the only one with a large chest, and Lapis couldn't help feel a bit inadequate in comparison. 

“Come on Lapis, since when do you get shy??” The Quartz soothingly cooed, with no trace of mockery in her voice. She wanted Lapis to be comfortable, and wasn't planning on pushing her into anything if she was feeling a bit hesitant. The water gem merely whined again, pressing up further against Jasper while reaching behind her to claw at the fabric of the Quartz’ uniform.

“Hm? Would you feel better if I undressed too…?” Jasper felt Lapis try nicking into her clothing, slightly scratching her in the process.

“Yes, _please_ do. I don't like being the only one… exposed,” she confessed against the Quartz’ neck, shivering at the comforting circles Jasper’s hand was making along her lower back.

“Mmnn… I think I know what'll make you feel a bit more confident. Here, sit down--” Jasper tugged a bit at Lapis’ midsection to get her off, finding the blue gem whining to keep her legs hooked around her. Nevertheless, the Quartz easily overpowered her, successfully prying the clingy gem off and sitting her down on the floor, where Lapis was quick to spitefully pull her legs in against her chest. Jasper didn't argue, in fact only chuckled in amusement to the tinge of uncharacteristic modesty from the small, flushed gem.

Standing tall and taking a few steps back, Jasper tossed an arrogant smirk when she phased out of her uniform, sliding her hands to her hips when she was done. Only, she didn't just phase it off-- Lapis knew the Quartz only wore panties beneath her outfit, but Jasper made the conscious effort into going a step further and phasing into a matching bra and lacy underwear, purposefully not only trying to show off but also trying to get Lapis to feel a bit more comfortable with showing herself as well.

Which worked, Lapis’ legs fell to the side as she snorted in amusement, weakly covering a hand over her mouth to the utter surprise to see the Quartz dressed like that. She was grateful nonetheless, already feeling significantly better letting Jasper see her now.

“Are you… trying to _impress_ me??” The blue gem continued to chuckle. Jasper didn't seem to mind the laughter at all, happy that it was making Lapis more cheery.

She flashed a toothy grin, leaning onto her hip. “I'm _already_ quite impressive. But like this--” she gave a slight gesture to her outfit, giving a tug down on her bra to keep it in place, as she couldn't remember the last time she felt the need to wear one. “--I look _incredible_.”

Lapis snorted again at Jasper’s over-the-top confidence to lighten the mood, waving her hand to beckon the Quartz over so they can actually continue where they left off. But Jasper didn't move, instead she crossed her arms teasingly. She didn't like Lapis having it easy.

“Not so fast. You’re so adamant on rushing.” She chided with taunting tone, and Lapis slightly cocked her head to the side, still wearing a slight smile regardless.

“Rushing? We can't do much if I'm the only one on the ground.”

“Oh, but you’ll be wrong about that.” Jasper replied before bringing her hand up to grip harshly into one of her large breasts, trying carefully to still keep it inside her maroon bra why doing so. Letting out an exaggerated wanton moan, she gave her plump lips a suggestive lick while she repeatedly pressed and gripped her chest. She noticed Lapis turn bright azure and quickly press her thighs together, biting her own lip at the lewd sight. She was tempted to look away when she felt her panties start to dampen, but Lapis couldn't bring herself to take her eyes off the Quartz.

She whined slightly, trying to convince Jasper to just join her on the floor and stop the provocative show so they could actually get physical. Only, Jasper’s grin widened at how eager Lapis was getting, and began tugging down on her bra to further tease her, but carefully didn't show anything more. She could see Lapis watch tensely in anticipation when the fabric teased dangerously low, only to be pulled back up with the Quartz’ arrogant chuckle.

“ _Jasper_ … Just get _down_ here already,” Lapis hissed as she shifted her hips around, not liking how wet she was getting from this. She knows Jasper will tease her for it when she sees, but it wasn't her fault the Quartz was acting so indecent.

“Sure. Under one condition,” Jasper offered almost immediately, as if she had this planned from the moment she phased on the lingerie. Lapis groaned needily at the fact, biting harder on her lip regardless of the slight sting from where the cuts were reopened.

“Come on, what can you _possibly_ want?” She whined with the coil of arousal in her burning to be sated.

“For you to touch yourself. Do that, and then I’ll join you on the floor and we can continue,” A sharp smirk spread on her face, and she pressed her hand harder to grip into her breast, slightly moaning to get Lapis worked up enough to agree.

The water gem frowned, wanting Jasper to be the one to do that to her. After all, she doesn't care too much for pleasuring herself, and usually has a hard time getting off if she's not with a partner. 

Nervously, she eyed the hem of her skirt questionably. The thought of touching herself whilst Jasper watched was rather exciting, but she worried if the Quartz would be insulted if she couldn't climax. A fidgety hand played with the hem of fabric, before tossing Jasper a concerned look.

“I-isn't getting me off _your_ job?? Why am I the one doing this…?” She tried reasoning, only to make the Quartz chuckle.

“I just wanna watch. Look Lapis, you don't even have to come--” she gave a lustful squeeze of her breast in hand, “Mmmnn-- Or even take the rest of your clothes off, really. All you actually gotta do is play with yourself for a few minutes, and I’ll join you on the floor. Sound fair?”

The smaller gem drew in a deep breath of air; she felt significantly better that she didn't have to do it until she came. Once more, she tossed a look up at Jasper, but this time it was a tad lewd instead of concerned. 

“Fine… If that's what you want me doing,” Lapis smirked with a bit of false confidence. Excited about it or not, she's never exactly touched herself in front of someone, excluding the whole Malachite incident.

She slipped her hand under the hem of her skirt before she could overthink it, hearing just that simple motion already earn an encouraging moan from the Quartz, who brought her free hand up to press into her other breast.

With a quick fumble, her hand got beneath her panties too, and Jasper could tell just by how brightly she was blushing that her fingers were trailing over her slit. For a few moments, she just ran her middle and forefinger along, slickening them generously and biting back a strained huff at how sensitive her folds felt to her own touch. Usually, her hand felt rather unsatisfying and anticlimactic on herself, but looking up Lapis could see how hot and bothered it was making the Quartz, whom already pushed a hand in her bra to give the water gem more of a show. And just by watching Jasper get turned on by this was enough to make herself eager to continue, lining her now-slick fingers against herself. 

“Take it off.” Lapis breathlessly commanded, the tips of her fingers just barely teasing her own entrance.

Jasper eagerly obliged, fumbling with the clasp behind her back for a few seconds until she got it unhooked, only to make a scene out of throwing the bra aside and cupping beneath the fullness of her large breasts in a showy manner. She tossed a smirk for Lapis to continue, resuming fondling her chest while doing so.

Taking in a long draw of air, Lapis relaxed herself as she gently pushed both her wet fingers against her slit, slipping them in with a gasp. For a few seconds she panted and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the pleasure of slowly pushing further in until the entirety of both fingers were fully inside her, spreading her legs further apart in ache for them to go deeper. 

Although her skirt was covering her, Jasper still knew what Lapis was doing. She could tell by the needy gasps, only to be shortly followed a slight rock of her hips, with the water gem desperate to get further inside herself. She was mewling pitifully whilst doing so, as fingering herself only seemed to make her even more desperate for it to be Jasper’s fingers pushing inside her tight walls rather than her own. But, part of her dawned in realization that that was the real reason Jasper was making her do this in the first place, and hissed slightly at the fact.

The Quartz noticed Lapis’ expression was growing more strained, and she was huffing the longer she went on. Sliding her hands off from her chest, Jasper finally sank down to her knees in front of the smaller gem, but Lapis’ eyes were still shut tight and she was panting too hard to hear the large gem settle on the floor with her.

“Mmmn, not getting very far there are you?” Jasper teased, startling Lapis as she gasped with confusion to when the Quartz could've had gotten to the ground with her. But quickly enough, she decided it didn't matter and withdrew her fingers from inside herself, breathing heavily as her hand slipped out from her skirt to rest on her abdomen.

“Y-you're a _j-jerk_ ,” she only barely responded, voice heavy with both unsated desire and dreary exhaustion.

The Quartz only chuckled in amusement when Lapis sat up with a wince and started eagerly hiking up her skirt for Jasper to get her off, and the larger gem went along as she moved to straddle one of the blue gem’s slender thighs without being asked, for she felt Lapis earned that much with how obedient she went along with Jasper’s request.

“You should give me your hand,” the Quartz suggested whilst watching the blue gem sigh in distress to the slight difficulty of getting all of her skirt out of the way. 

“What…? Yeah, sure...” Her response was distracted, not fully soaking in Jasper’s intentions or words as she offered out one of her hands, still working the other to push her skirt up and away. Lapis merely assume the Quartz wanted to affectionately hold it, but Jasper was quick to reject the slender blue hand offered to her.

“Not that one. The _other_ one,” a wide smirk flashed her teeth in a slightly intimidating way, and Lapis hesitantly switched hands, still too distract by the coil of desire in her to really try guessing what Jasper wanted with her hand. Once it was in reach of the Quartz, she eagerly grabbed it and leaned down to quickly take the slicken middle and forefinger past her plump lips, holding the water gem’s wrist still when she felt Lapis instinctually try and pull her hand away from the sudden movement. 

Her tongue feverishly twisted around the two fingers, and she hummed slightly when she tasted the sweet flavor of Lapis’ arousal, already getting herself excited to taste more.

The water gem tsked, successfully hiking up the entirety of her skirt out of the way and giving another tug at her hand to get it back. She didn't quite understand why the Quartz loved tasting her.

“Aren't you done??” Lapis whined, wanting already for the larger gem to just fuck her after all the teasing she sat through.

Jasper popped Lapis’ fingers out of her mouth with a quick lick of her lips, finally releasing the hand the smaller gem was tugging to get back.

“You're so impatient,” Jasper replied, smirking as her large hands slid up the length of the smaller gem’s thighs, stopping when she reached where Lapis’ panties were. One hand began fumbling with the hem of the remaining barrier, whilst Jasper used her other to press against Lapis through the fabric, hearing it cause the blue gem’s breathing to hitch. 

“Mmnn… I can see why, though. You're soaking wet,” a quick roll of her fingertips made Lapis let out a drawn moan, whimpering slightly when Jasper didn't continue.

“T-take them off _already_. I'm done with the teasing.” The smaller gem keenly whined with a squirm, not even waiting for Jasper to comply as she brought her own hands over to push down on the hem of her panties, slipping them off by an inch until the Quartz took over. She caught the fabric between her two large hands and gave a careless tear to shred the panties off, tossing aside the cloth that remained.

“You must want this pretty bad, Lapis… Are you really _that_ worked up?” The Quartz taunted, dragging her forefinger in circles around the water gem’s excessively wet slit. 

Lapis hissed bitterly that Jasper was still keeping it up, knowing she was doing it on purpose from the devious grin the Quartz was wearing.

“I'm worked up enough to consider fucking my fingers again if you don't do _something_. Please Jasper, give me _anything_ \--” She writhed and whimpered against where Jasper drew little circles around her, and in a disappointing move the Quartz withdrew her hand completely. Sitting up, Jasper got off Lapis to sit crisscross, with the blue gem scrambling to get off the ground to see why Jasper stopped.

A longing groan escaped her mouth for another delay, and before she could whine to the Quartz again about it, she felt Jasper pull her up and position Lapis to sit around one of her thighs, paying no mind that the water gem immediately dampened her skin where she settled.

The weary blue gem didn't understand the need for a position change, and leaned forward against the large arm in front of her, wrapping her arms around it to help hold herself up as she rolled her hips to grind herself impatiently on the Quartz’ thigh. But Jasper’s other hand came in to stop her at her waist, earning a growl from Lapis when she lifted the smaller gem up to slide her large hand beneath her, being that of the arm Lapis was clinging to.

Lapis realized why Jasper wanted her in this position, and groaned that the Quartz was going to make her do most of the work. But when two thick fingers lined up with her slit, she suddenly was caring a lot less that she was going to be utterly exhausted by the end of this

Holding herself up with her knees when the hand around her waist left, she felt Jasper take in a deep breath as she moved the free hand behind Lapis’ head, gently pushing the water gem to rest her forehead on the Quartz’ shoulder, before leaning slightly in.

“ _Ride it_ , Lapis,” she huffed low with desire to the gem leaning against her, and her words sent a shiver down Lapis’ back.

Her clammy hands steadied herself on Jasper’s muscular arm as best she could, fumbling for stable leverage before giving up and into the dangerous yearn coiling inside her. Desperate and not thinking clearly, Lapis didn't even bother lowering herself carefully onto the thick fingers beneath her; rather, she slammed her hips down painfully rough and whined at the sudden and intense stretch of her walls. But thanks to all that teasing Jasper put her through, she was more than wet enough to compensate, but that didn't save her from startling Jasper enough to gasp from the merciless slam. She could feel how tight Lapis was around her middle and forefinger, and knitted her brow in concern for the smaller gem.

“ _Fuck_ , Lapis! You're going to hurt yourself!!” She urged sympathetically when she didn’t expect Lapis to take both fingers so fast and so hard, but the smaller gem was already mewling in pleasure, soaking in the slight burn of Jasper’s size. Her fingers reached deeper into places Lapis couldn’t get her own fingers to when she tried, and her nails dug in keenly to the hard muscle she was gripping to show she was ravishing the stretch of taking them. As a testing measure, Lapis pushed up on her knees to pull herself off by an inch, before slamming her hips down roughly again, tossing her head back with a cry of delight when she felt that delicious burn in her again. Without much acclimation, she began a sloppy pace of thrusting down on Jasper’s fingers, and the Quartz gave an uneasy chuckle when she recognized Lapis was enjoying the slight pain of going too rough.

“You’re so tight… Don’t strain yourself…” Jasper moaned in caution to the other gem, also quite caught up in lust but still valuing the smaller gem’s well-being over it, making sure Lapis knew she was signing herself up for days of soreness with the pace she was going at. 

The free hand Jasper had begun softly stroking the back of Lapis’ head, catching her focus as the smaller gem rolled her head forward half-heartedly to gaze her needy navy eyes at Jasper, biting slightly at her sore lip with a gasp when she felt a short thrust up into her by those large fingers, meeting her hips on their slam down to unexpectedly hit in deeper at a sweet spot within her. It was overwhelming enough to cause her to momentarily grow weak and collapsed against the arm she clung passionately on, mewling as she began nipping at Jasper’s skin. 

Breathlessly watching Lapis begin to suck and bite at her arm, the Quartz kept their eye contact as she felt her own need coil desperately inside her from locking eyes with Lapis’ lustful ones. Hardly on the verge of being composed from the weakness that overcame Lapis’ body from hitting Jasper’s fingers on that delicious spot inside her, the water gem gave a pitifully rock of her hips to resume the pleasure. Only, her body was finally starting to scream in exhaustion, and with a whine she bit harder down on Jasper’s skin in despair to losing the energy to slam down with her previous speed like before.

She blamed the Quartz for picking this position, ceasing her riding as she clawed and bit down mercilessly into Jasper’s arm as revenge for making her so hot and bothered. Around the skin in her mouth, she let out a strangled cry from her unsated need pestering her abdomen again, as it begged her to keep going even though she knew her body was too tired to reach any pace that would satisfy the curl of desire in her.

Hearing the noise and noticing Lapis was no longer slamming down on her fingers, Jasper gave a tender rub down her back as she allowed the water gem to pierce her skin with her nails and teeth, mistaking it for her climax. She was tempted to pull her fingers out from where they were completely pushed into the smaller gem, but she could feel the way Lapis clenched needily around them, and noticed that the clawing and biting wasn’t letting up after a few moments have passed. The Quartz knit her brow in confusion.

“What's wrong? Did you come…?” She murmured softly, with another affectionate stroke down the small gem’s back.

Lapis whined, releasing the skin she was biting down on unforgivingly. “No I _didn’t_. I’m too exhausted to go fast enough--” she nuzzled pitifully into Jasper’s arm, hoping to drawn enough sympathy from her to get the Quartz to pick up on the rest of the work. And luckily for her, Jasper was quite gullible in her current state, watching the miserably unsatisfied gem whine against her arm. Taking enough pity (and responsibility, considering she was the one to tease Lapis to the needy state she was currently in), Jasper pushed the desperate gem up and off of her, making Lapis groan as she fell onto her lower back, only to quickly press her thighs together in yearn as the Quartz moved out of her position to sit at her feet from where Lapis laid.

Jasper sighed a bit in sympathy, giving Lapis a slight tap on her leg to recapture her attention.

“Spread your thighs if you want me to get you off. I’ll make sure you come.” She huffed in defeat, finally letting Lapis have it easy. The smaller gem eagerly parted her legs without further question, clenching her hands into the fabric of her skirt bundled up along her waist.

“F-Finally... I wasn’t sure how much more I could take…” the eager gem cooed in gratitude, feeling the large Quartz push further at her thighs to fit comfortably between them. She was still sitting up, and elected grabbing each of Lapis’ legs to hook them over her shoulders, forcing her hips up at an easier angle to access. The small gem groaned in discomfort to having her weight settle through her upper back in this position, agitating her sensitive gem. Yet Jasper noticed, and slide her hand under her back to not only align Lapis’ body better, but to also cushion her gem from rubbing into the hard wooden floor beneath them.

Kneading into where her hand met Lapis’ back, she felt how hard she was tensing, and Jasper wasn’t sure if it was in excitement to the prospect of climaxing or in distress over her premature exhaustion.

“You can _relax_ , Lapis. I’m letting you take it easy this time since you burnt yourself out so quickly, but trust me when I say we’re going to be working on your endurance…” 

The blue gem parted her lips to reply, but ended up suddenly yelping when Jasper descended her mouth down on Lapis’ heat without much warning, giving a long stroke of her tongue along the soaking entrance to indulge in Lapis’ sweet flavor with a groan of delight. The hand she didn’t have underneath Lapis’ back had to hold the smaller gem in place with a harsh grip of her hip, as Lapis instinctively tried pulling back from the sudden influx of pleasure.

In her exhausted state, she was rather easy to force still, but Jasper still gave her a punishing nip on her inner thigh for how squirmy she was being. Her teeth didn't even dig too hard into the skin, but the mere sensitivity of her thighs caused the small gem to whimper in yearn, half tempted to ask to be bit harder but holding back so that the Quartz would go back to licking along her slit.

But rather than put her mouth back down on her, Jasper tenderly began kissing the soft skin of the thigh she so cruelly bit a mere moment ago, trying to entice another whimper from Lapis. If she'd knew her thighs were this sensitive, the Quartz would've integrated them more into their foreplay, but for the time being she’ll settle for the late knowledge. Making up for their lack of attention nonetheless, she introduced her tongue onto the blue gem’s inner thigh when the kisses weren't making her whimper like before, and only when Jasper began sloppily sucking and licking the tender flesh did she finally hear those needy noises again. Lapis tried covering her mouth to muffle herself slightly, but that earned another aggressive bite to her skin, and she involuntarily made an indecent squeal.

The Quartz gave an intrigued glance down on the blue gem, noticing she was a tad more flushed from the bite. Catching on, she gave another harsh press of her canines on Lapis’ thigh, not letting up until she felt a slight puncture of skin beneath her teeth and satisfying moan of encouragement from the smaller gem.

Without further piercing the distressed skin, she went back to planting soft kisses around the wound she made, toying with the balance of pleasurable pain and sensitivity from the bite mark. With punctured skin, the water gem realized her thigh increased tenfold in sensitivity around the wound, and ravished the delicious sting of the Quartz’ plump lips pressing affectionately by it.

“Aaaahhh… I only get one…?” The smaller gem panted sweetly, purposefully pressing her thigh harder against the heavenly kisses to entice them to bite again. It rubbed the pierced skin against Jasper’s lips, tinting then slightly with blood that she gave a slow lick to wipe it away.

“Sorry Lapis, but I want you to still be walking tomorrow,” the Quartz purred against her skin, having to draw the line somewhere so that the blue gem wouldn't be hurting too bad after all this. In the moment, Lapis might be ignoring the pain well, but Jasper knew the bruises, cuts, and exhaustion was going to hit her eventually.

Yet Lapis wasn't thinking too clearly for the future, and whined the she wasn't going to get another bite.

“Aww, is the _big bad Quartz_ going _easy_ on me…? You can _carry_ me tomorrow for all I care, give me _another_.” She teased back with a throw of Jasper’s own words to make her chuckle, and gave another forcefully rub of her thigh against those plump, soft lips.

“You _really_ want me to keep biting, Lapis…?” The Quartz growled, going to give a quick swipe of her tongue against the blue gem’s swollen clit. Lapis yelped shamelessly with another reflexive jerk away, but Jasper kept her in place as she continued. “Then you gotta earn it. Come for me and I'll let you have more.”

Without even letting her answer, the Quartz returned her mouth down on Lapis, and kneaded her soft tongue beneath her clit. She pressed until her tongue slotted tightly between the folds, before sliding it up to rub up directly on her nub, nearly making Lapis cry out at the overwhelming stimulation. After all, Jasper kept persisting with this motion, bombarding her clit from underneath so that she could hit up on it directly without any mercy. It took a few moments for the water gem to finally accommodate to the intense influx of pleasure seizing her constantly, and whined as she finally stopped jerking away from every press.

“Aaa--! Aaahhh--!!!” Lapis started growing more vocal the more Jasper ran her tongue on her, and the larger gem loved the noises.

The nerves were accustoming to the stimulation, and the Quartz went from her skilled strokes of the tongue into sloppy suckling and pulling at Lapis’ clit to keep her on a rise. At first, she avoided grazing her teeth on her nub whenever she captured it between her lips, but all it took was an accidental scrap of her teeth to radiate a stinging sensation at the smaller gem’s clit, causing her to suck in a sharp breath at the enrapturing feeling. Her hips started thrusting up for more, whining to be nipped at as her shifts indirectly caused the Quartz to graze her teeth against her clit again, to which Lapis cried out in delight, beginning to feel the edge of her climax loom over her.

“AAAAHH-- _M-MORE--_! NUUH… HA-HARDER, JASP... J-JASPER…”

It only served to make the larger gem increase the pressure, giving a long swipe with her tongue whilst pressing down as much as she could, moaning at the sweet flavor coating the entirety of her mouth in Lapis’ wetness. Yet her moan rumbled against where she was on Lapis’ clit, and the deep vibration pushed the smaller gem over the edge as she gave another feeble jerk away with a satisfyingly loud cry, watering at her eyes as she squeezed them shut in divine bliss of finally climaxing.

“AAAH--! _J-JASPER_ -!!!” The small gem was doing nothing short of screaming in euphoria, her legs losing their grip slightly whilst riding it out with a few more jagged pants, calling out the Quartz’ name with each breath.

“JASPER…! _NMM_ \--!! JASP-- _Auhh_ \--!!! Nnn--! J...Jasper… _mmm_ … Jasp…”

The larger gem gave a chuckle that Lapis couldn't form any other word, feeling the blue gem go limp where she held her, engulfed in her afterglow. Giving a quick kiss on her clit before removing herself, Jasper helped pull off her legs from where they were hooked at her shoulders, before collecting the small gem’s limp body in her hands and holding her against her, letting Lapis lean on her body where she sat.

For a few moments, they sat there in blissful silence, with Jasper finding amusement in listening to Lapis struggle to breath at a steady rate. She was atop the Quartz’ lap, whom again sat crisscross with both arms engulfing the smaller gem in an embrace. And finally when Lapis felt the final traces of her aftermath haze leave her, she was hit with a sensitive burn inside her walls and dull achy soreness along her thighs and neck.

Jasper was right. Her body did take a toll.

A shaky sigh escaped her lips-- which stung with the cuts still on them-- but she knew she couldn't relax just yet.

After all, she hasn't gotten Jasper off yet. And, she believes the Quartz owes her some bites now.

She could hear the Quartz’ chest rumble with a content hum, her head resting affectionately atop Lapis’. But the humming abruptly stopped with a sharp gasp, feeling a small hand snake under the hem of her panties and press a stroke along her wet folds, slow and curiously. Jasper heaved with a few raw, jagged pants when Lapis repeated the motion, sliding over her soaking slit easily until she fumbled around to Jasper’s clit. But that was where the Quartz had to stop her, harshly grabbing Lapis’ exploring hand with her own, mustering up the breath to speak.

“N-no, Lapis… D-don’t feel like yo-you’re obligated to get me off. You're exhausted; you don't have to do this.” Her voice was a low murmur, poorly masking her own desire but clearly putting Lapis above it. She knows how sore and fatigued the small gem must be feeling now, and Jasper didn't care if she didn't get to climax during their session. Making Lapis happy was good enough for her.

But the smaller gem didn't obey, and since she was far from being able to pull her hand free from Jasper’s grip, she elected pushing her free hand down the panties instead, picking up where she left off as she circled her fingertips around the Quartz’ clit, careful to just barely brush it. Jasper struggled to bite back a moan.

“I may be exhausted, but you’re underestimating my motives--” suddenly, Lapis moved to press her fingers onto the Quartz’ swollen nub with a skill draw of a tight circle on it, making Jasper involuntarily groan in delight. “--I’m going to get you off because I _want_ to.”

Panting to trying and catch herself, Jasper released the other tiny blue hand in defeat, not arguing further when the pacing on her clit increased. Lapis rolled her fingers about haphazardly on the nub, accidentally sliding them off a few times what with how wet Jasper was. The Quartz would’ve pushed up into them, but sitting cross-legged on the floor gave her no opportunity to, and she whined at their limiting position.

Noticing, Lapis removed both her hands from her soaking panties, and gave herself a sloppy push off her lap, moving back to sit down in front of the larger gem by a few feet.

“Spread them. All the way.” Lapis commanded, loving how the authority felt.

The Quartz groaned in having to submissively comply, knowing that her pride would only delay her climax, and pushed her legs out and gave a slight spread, having to lean back on her hands whilst doing so.

The water gem lavishly bit her lip at the sight, and that warm coil of desire was already returning to her stomach.

“ _Wider_. And phase off the panties; I wanna see you.” Lapis’ voice was even more so assertive the second time, and Jasper hesitantly gave a little lift of her hips to phase the lacy underwear off, before growing dark with a blush as she pushed apart her thighs indecently, giving Lapis a full view of her soaking entrance. 

There was a purr of gratitude, with the smaller gem biting her lip to see the glistening slit, left nearly untouched until a few moments ago, and was still brimming with fresh sensitivity from its lack of attention. Sensitivity that Lapis was going to cruelly take advantage of, as Jasper’s nerve endings had not the slightest of wear, and were aroused enough to be excessively touchy. 

She gave a devious smirk, before giving a teasingly slow crawl on her hands and knees to close in between the larger gem’s legs, watching the bright blush intensify on Jasper’s flustered face. Lapis’ half-lidded glare at her was lustfully but mischievous, and the Quartz had a feeling she was going to regret being such a tease earlier. But part of her felt obligated to hang onto her cockiness, and tried not to betray how desperate she was feeling with Lapis gazing at her like that.

Settled directly between Jasper’s legs, the blue gem swiped her tongue over the muscle of the Quartz’ thigh, admiring how firm it was. She planted tender kisses atop it, slowly sinking to the inner skin as she left a path of kisses in her wake. Her affection made a hum rumble in the Quartz’ chest, shifting her weight onto one hand so that she could stroke Lapis’ head encouragingly.

Upon reaching the larger gem’s heat, Lapis gave a quick peck on her clit before introducing two fingers to run up tightly on her entrance. Jasper gasped with a slight push of her heavy hips up.

Yet her fingers only kept to fumbling around the wet entrance, gathering a thick coat of Jasper’s arousal in the process. A soft tongue teased the skin next to her clit, not giving it any direct stimulation just yet.

“How much can a Quartz like you _take_ , Jasper…?” she taunted from where she was between her thighs, tossing her lustful eyes up at Jasper’s from her position. Her fingers trailed along her slit to emphasize her meaning.

With a hard bite of her plump lips, Jasper gave an indecent groan at the suggestive stare. 

Nonetheless, she wasn’t going to drop her cocky demeanor just yet, and broke out a shaky chuckle.

“I can take more than you can probably give, Lapis.” The Quartz cockily teased, only for Lapis to give a punishing suck on her clit for the arrogance. Jasper panted at the raw stimulation, gripping into the blue gem’s hair whilst doing so. It was just as sensitive as Lapis thought, and even the Quartz was surprised. She was only barely able to steady out another word. 

“ _F-fuck_ \--!”

The blue gem released her after a moment, before commanding what she wanted to hear.

“How many of your own fingers?” She asserted, and Jasper whined as she looked away. It was hard to stay arrogant when Lapis was holding so much pleasure over her. 

“T-Three. I get myself off with three.” Despite the confession being blunt, the Quartz was blushing terribly with embarrassment. 

There was a hum, with Lapis thinking to herself. Suddenly, her free hand gestured for Jasper’s, and the larger gem hesitantly removed her hand from Lapis’ head to give her it. Grasping it, the blue gem bit her lips at the size of Jasper’s hand, pushing her hand up against it to reference her own for size. 

Easily, two of Jasper’s fingers were bigger then the entirety of her hand. Yet, she gave another thought, and slowly curled her hand into a fist. 

Lapis smirked when she realized it would work.

Feeling the motion against her hand, Jasper’s breathing hitched. 

“Wait, are you actually gonna-- _NNM_ -!!” 

With a sudden gasp, she felt Lapis’ hand drop from her own and thrust two of her fingers into Jasper’s wet slit. Even though the size wasn’t anything to the Quartz, her walls were burning with sensitivity just as Lapis suspected, and she gave a teasing curl of her fingertips to stimulate them. Jasper whined at the sensation.

“Come on, this is _nothing_ to you…” Lapis taunted before dropping her head down to kiss and tug on her swollen clit. Without as much as a warning, she slipped another finger in, skillfully thrusting with a hard drag along the inside Jasper’s wall to mimic the stretch of taking in something larger. Which worked, and she felt a rock of the larger gem's hips to deepen the thrusts. She was begging to take more.

With a hard-pressing swirl of her tongue around the sensitive nub she had her mouth on, she distracted the larger gem with another gasp and used it to push forward a fourth finger inside. The friction was finally starting to feel tight, and Lapis gave a shallow thrust to test it. 

“Aahhhnn… La… _Lapis_ …” 

The blue gem swiped her tongue rewardingly to hearing Jasper moan her name, and shifted her fingers about inside her tight walls whilst doing so. But she wasn’t finished just yet.

Pushing up her fingers to the knuckle, Lapis fumbled her thumb to the edge where Jasper took in all four, skimming the stuffed entrance in doing so. The larger gem panted eagerly in anticipation, feeling the thumb tease to get in.

In a soft push, her thumb successfully thrusted in to join her other fingers. The Quartz groaned in gratitude, and Lapis began suckling on Jasper’s clit again as praise for taking it. She was gentle nonetheless, and slowly shifted to get wrist-deep, slightly debating if it’ll be too much to curl a fist inside her. But Jasper was whining keenly, thrusting up to get Lapis in deeper.

“M-more… Give me… nnmmm… _More_ …” 

The blue gem gave a chuckle against her heat, and obeyed as she curled her fingers in, slowly making a fist with satisfying girth inside the larger gem. Jasper rocked her hips in pleasure, rumbling deep with a euphoric moan. The stretch was just enough for a Quartz her size to ravish.

Lapis felt large fingers grip harshly into her short hair, losing their delicate touch with the smaller gem despite the shakiness Lapis could feel from them; Jasper was still trying to be gentle, but failing tragically. But the blue gem hardly mind, and let Jasper grip her hair for stability as she began a soft rock of her hand inside the Quartz, careful not to press too far forward. It made the thrusts short, as Lapis tried not to fully remove her hand whilst also not fully fill Jasper when she thrusted in. Last thing Lapis wanted to do is remind Jasper what it felt like to have something pushed against her cervix.

Yet it seemed like that was the last thing on Jasper’s mind, and she purposely gave aggressive jerks of her hips on Lapis’ hand. The blue gem had a hard time keeping her still, and if it wasn't for Jasper’s hand behind her head, she would have difficulty keeping her tongue on her clit.

Deciding that speeding up might stall the Quartz, Lapis began sloppy laps at her nub whilst curling at her wrist to thrust in without accidentally hitting in too far. With the first few thrusts, she sporadically curled against Jasper’s walls, further enticing her to thrust back. But just as she was about to give up and let the larger gem kept the amount of control she was having, Lapis curled in against the Quartz’ sweet spot, and Jasper’s hips dropped down with a drawn out cry. 

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ …!! L-Lapis!!!” Undone and completely fallen to the smaller gem’s will, Jasper squirmed at the overwhelming pleasure that flooded her nerves. It sapped her control completely, and Lapis smirked from where she was that Jasper was finally forced to cede all her pleasure into Lapis’ command.

Repeating the thrust to maintain the Quartz in a helpless state, she hit against the delicious spot again. This time, it was mercilessly and skilled, and Jasper had to bite uselessly on her lip to poorly keep from desperately crying out again. She was failing tragically, and instead went to mewling praise to the blue gem.

“You feel fucking _amazing_ , Lapis… Fucking _incredible_ … nnuhh…”

There was a sensual stroke against her clit at that, and Jasper’s tongue lolled out with another moan. It was getting to be too much, and she felt dangerously close to her climax when Lapis started timing her thrusts to the detailed swipes of her mouth.

“AAAHHHNN--! L-LAPIS I… _MMMN_ \--!” 

There was a sudden clench around Lapis’ hand, and Jasper screamed in ecstasy, absolutely intoxicated in her sudden climax. Lapis gave gentle kisses on her clit to guide her through it, feeling an aggressive arch from the Quartz’s back.

“L-LAPIS I--! _AAA_ \--!!! I LOV… _MMMN_ \--! LAPIS, I… I LOVE…”

The blue gem pulled off and out of Jasper suddenly, blinking in surprise when she looked up at the enraptured Quartz. Lapis held her breath in anticipation-- was Jasper going to admit…?

But the Quartz’ climax ended before she finished her unfiltered thought, dulling out her words into a moan. Her hand released Lapis’ hair, and she collapsed onto her back in satisfied fatigue. Jasper’s head was clouded with a pleasant haze of climaxing, and hardly noticed Lapis hastily climbed atop her, straddling high on her midsection. The blue gem had a desperate look on her face, but it wasn't one of lust. She leaned over the Quartz, a hand one each side of her head while doing so, bearing her eyes into the large gem’s. Jasper blinked in slight confusion, struggling to organize her hazy thoughts.

“Jasper..?” Her voice pleaded, begging the Quartz to finish her statement.

“What's wrong, Lapis…?” She slurred back in concern, before clicking together everything in her head and realizing what she said out loud. Her golden eyes widen in fear, and it was the first time Lapis saw Jasper in fear of something that wasn't the blue gem.

“ _Oh_. I-I’m sorry, Lapis I--”

“What were you going to say??” Lapis cut her off, her face strained in desperation. “Do you _actually_ …? Or was it just your climax…?”

Jasper let out a shaky huff. 

“Love you?? No, I… I really do. I love you, Lapis… but it's _not fair_ to say that to you.”

The Quartz gave a sympathetically apologetic rub of her hand on Lapis’ lower back. After all she’s done in the past, and how she just about forced herself into Lapis’ life by initially coercing her to fuse when she could've flown off and away during the crash of their Homeworld warship, she didn't feel it was fair to admit she loved her. Jasper was trying her best, but… she didn't feel like she was treating Lapis like someone would if they were in love. She was a Quartz soldier, after all. They were made to embody the exact opposite of everything love stood for, and Jasper felt confined by her caste. If she was supposed to be the perfect soldier, the perfect image of what a Jasper was supposed to be… then any emotion similar to love was not one she can express. She was never meant to feel it to begin with.

“Not fair!? I don't _care_!!” Lapis cried out with an ecstatic smile, leaning in to nuzzle into Jasper’s neck with tender kisses along her jaw. Love was rare for Quartz soldiers to express, almost to the point where Lapis never expected Jasper to ever feel that way with her. But she did, and Lapis returned the confession back in glee.

“Don’t be upset, I love you _too_ , Jasper. It shouldn't make you feel weaker by admitting it,” her voice ghosted the Quartz’s neck, and Jasper make a slight groan in discomfort.

“Lapis, you don't understand… jaspers make _terrible_ lovers…” the larger gem mournfully cautioned, regretting losing herself so much to confess her love during her climax.

“Jasper, you're a perfect lover,” Lapis insisted, leaving Jasper’s neck to give her a quick peck on the lips. “If you weren’t, you wouldn't be the first gem I’ve slept with in thousands of years.”

Lapis went back to affectionately nuzzling into her neck, but Jasper was a tad taken aback in confusion. She knew Lapis wasn’t counting both the times they forced one another, nor did she count Malachite. But besides all that, Jasper was quite honestly shocked Lapis hasn’t consensually slept with another gem in thousands of years. Part of Jasper was even a tad scared that it was her to be the one she picked; surely, Lapis must’ve have had options throughout the centuries. 

“I don’t understand…” The larger gem murmured to the gem against her neck, feeling those tender kisses return to dot her skin so gently that Jasper couldn’t help but shiver. “Thousands of years…?”

Lapis didn’t stop her sensual pecks, continuously laying them down between words as she replied. “Being in a mirror for thousands of years _really_ limits what you do. And when I came back to Homeworld, I was immediately assigned as your informant. It just never came up,” her words carried a weight that her actions were undermining, continuingly acting passionate and tender despite Jasper knowing those words must hurt to be spoken.

“Wait, _how_ many years are we exactly talking about…? Two thousands…? Three..?” Jasper nervously inquired, but tilted back her head and continued her rubbing on Lapis’ back to show she wasn’t rejecting the kisses on her neck. After all, they still felt sweet, even if the conversation was getting heavy real fast.

Lapis gave a shallow chuckle against Jasper’s throat. “Try close to six thousand.”

The blue gem felt a sudden and intense grip onto her back, and felt the muscle under her lips tense where she was kissing.

“W-What?!? That’s almost as long as I’ve been _formed_!!” Jasper stuttered out, never really connecting Lapis’ history before. Lips leaving her neck, the blue gem pulled back to cock her head to the side.

“No, that’s impossible. I was put in the mirror in the _middle_ of the war.”

“Yeah, and I was _made_ in the middle of the war to put more soldiers on the ground. I’m from Beta here.”

Lapis blinked twice in surprise. She’d always assumed Jasper came from Homeworld, not Earth. The Quartz started looked stressed revealing her birth planet, but Lapis quickly broke the tension when she snorted in laughter, bewildering Jasper even further.

“I can’t believe this!! I’m older than you, Jasper!” She continued to giggle, and Jasper blushed and gave a little shake of her head.

“S-Shut up! So what, I’m a war hero!!” Jasper shot back in embarrassment.

“Awwe, don’t get worked up about it, little _Jaspy_.”

“ _Please_ don’t call me that.” The Quartz groaned, bringing her free hand up to pinch the bridge of her brow. “I can’t believe I’m with someone who’s both more powerful _and_ older than me.”

Lapis gave another giggle, finding it all too hilarious. This was probably the last conversation Jasper expected to have after sex.

“Didn’t know that’ll be such a hit on your ego. But hey, at least you’re stronger when water _isn’t_ around, right?”

Her only response was another groan, but that brought both of them to the attention the morning rain had worn off. At that, she suddenly felt the hand on her back grip into her hip and turn, with Jasper flipping Lapis to the ground to take over the role of the one on top. The water gem yelped, but still caught Jasper’s eyes as they burned with a return of confidence. Lapis gave a soft smile, despite her position of power being snatched away.

“ _Careful_ , Lazuli. You may be older, but that’s no way to talk to a _Quartz_.” Despite the words seemingly threatening, Jasper’s voice carried them like a teasing coo. They were shortly followed with an affectionate kiss on Lapis’ cheek, choosing there to avoid both her cut bottom lip and heavily bruised neck.

“Mmnn, well maybe you should _remind_ me why I shouldn’t.” Lapis taunted back, arching up suggestively to the Quartz as she fumbled to bunch up her skirt at her hip. Jasper casted her eyes down and over her body with a smirk. She knew Lapis was exhausted, but the smaller gem was definitely wanting something.

“Hell, maybe you can show me again with your _teeth_ … After all, you still owe me those bites,” running a slender blue hand down the thigh that didn’t bare Jasper’s bite mark, the water gem gave a slight part of her legs. “...Whadda you _say_ , Jasper…?”

Jasper brought her eyes back up from Lapis’ body, grinning slightly down at the blue gem. 

“I’d say it looks like I’ll be carrying you tomorrow, _Lapis_.” 

Throwing her head back in a chuckle, Lapis felt the Quartz sink lower down her body, and felt that sweet mouth on her inner thigh again.

She could get use to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that it??? Is that the end, now that they fucked and said the L word????  
> Nope. I'm so sorry for all your souls.  
> It's time to bring back the angst, so buckle up everyone. Garnet and Jasper are gonna talk.
> 
>  
> 
> Btw thank you to all the lovely people who comment on my chapters, it means the world and I love hearing what you guys want or how you feel, and I hope I keep up to your expectations <3 <3 <3
> 
> (p.s. sorry in advance for anyone who actually read through this chapter expecting some plot or something, tried my best to disclaim that this was literally just smut)
> 
>  
> 
> _((edit: here's some fun (nsfw)[concept art](http://theres-light-on-the-other-side.tumblr.com/post/151777120389/always-dressed-to-impress-even-if-sex-is-suppose) I did for this chapter. I'm no artist, but I'm definitely a sinful shipper.))_


	7. For Love To Destroy Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper accidentally upsets Lapis, leading her to believe that Jasper isn't taking their relationship seriously. So she wants some distance, and without Lapis around, Jasper's insecurities about what she is to her start to come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry that it's not longer but I started another fic (and I'm already considering starting a third jaspis fic ~~i'm sorry but i love them so much~~ ) so it threw a wrench in the time frame I usually take to finish these chapters. Still, I won't ever take longer than a week for these chapters, you have my word on that.  
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> _(([song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xvSESgUw5E)))_

“Cool! I didn’t expect you guys to be all dressed up!” Steven beamed in glee, coming for their evening visit with Peridot and Garnet

“Yeah, Lapis, I thought you didn’t like wearing human shirts,” Peridot concurred suspiciously to Lapis’ and Jasper’s new attire, still stuck on calling most Earth clothing 'shirts'.

Lapis and Jasper gave a nervous glance over one another’s outfit, rechecking to make sure both of them were covering their bruises and bites from their long session that morning. Whilst Jasper merely sported a large grey jacket (that she couldn’t even zip up; she was too big), Lapis was dressed in an army jacket and unmatching beige scarf wrapped carefully around her neck. It took them about an hour searching through the barn to find the two jackets and scarf, knowing it would be more suspicious for them to suddenly want to phase on more clothing.

“I-It’s another hobby! Jasper and I are trying out human clothes,” Lapis quickly recited their planned fib, and Jasper broke out a genuine smile with a nod. The Quartz had to hold back a slight chuckle-- she was actually more than willing to brag about fucking Lapis, but the blue gem had insisted fervently to her that that would be highly inappropriate.

Steven sucked up the lie right away with starry eyes, whilst Garnet and Peridot mutually tossed a glance at one another in doubt.

“How are you liking it?? Jasper, you look great in that jacket!” the small boy immediately went to compliment them, and the Quartz was a tad taken aback by his sweet nature. She still didn’t understand why he unconditionally vested so much in her whilst the other Crystal Gems kept to their distrustful nature.

“O-oh it’s great, and umm, thanks Rose?” Jasper replied off-guard but genuinely grateful, yet nevertheless earned an elbow into her arm from Lapis. The blue gem hissed from where they were, still managing to balance herself where she subtly leaned against the Quartz when she gave the little hit.

“Ah-! Sorry, I mean Steven,” the Quartz corrected herself, giving a glance to Lapis for approved. The water gem gave her a gentle smile for her efforts to be polite with the smaller half-Quartz.

The boy merely chuckled. “That’s alright! You’re trying your best and that’s what counts!” Steven praised with a wide smile, and Jasper felt a tinge of comfort from the sweet boy’s kindness. But Peridot and Garnet didn’t quite return the same attitude from where they were next to the boy.

“Her _best?_ That’s debatable.” Garnet dulled out monotoned, speaking up for the first time to do nothing much but flat-out insult Jasper. The Quartz tightened her jaw in irritation, narrowing her eyes intimidatingly at the fusion. But Garnet didn’t even waver.

“A-ah, I think we can all agree Jasper’s _trying_ , r-right?” Peridot insisted to mellow the situation, and Garnet made an indifferent noise.

The Quartz let out a groan in exhaustion. “Come _on_ , you can’t hate me forever. I’m here to stay and you know it.” She growled, letting loose a bit of anger in her words for how unfairly Garnet always narrowed her out.

Lapis leaned heavily onto the Quartz with a solid grip on her arm, supporting herself since she was still a tad sore from their activity earlier that day. “No, no. We’re not talking about this _again_ \--” She began in fatigue, not wanting another overly-dramatic argument to be blow way out of hand. But Jasper cut her off.

“ _Lapis_ , no. Why else do you think she’s back? It’s usually Pearl unless Garnet has a new reason to argue.” Jasper huffed while keeping locked eyes with Garnet, knowing well she replaces Pearl as Steven’s chaperone when there was something to be said.

“I’m back because you two concern me.” The fusion dully replied back, holding her position as the more level-headed one. Jasper was the one with a more volatile temper, and it was already showing.

“Hm? And what might you do about it _this_ time? Here to pull up Lazuli’s skirt again?” The Quartz was letting her aggression slip more and more the longer she spoke, and she felt Lapis punishingly hit her arm. She didn't care the others noticed. But there wasn’t even a flinch, and Jasper kept her eyes locked with Garnet whilst Peridot and Steven mutually grew both confused and concerned to what the conversation was turning to.

“Jasper! Knock it _off_!” Lapis chided and dug her nails into when she was gripping Jasper’s arm, in hopes that at least that will catch her attention. But once again, she was ignored.

“Don’t need to. I already _know_ you marked her up again, and I already _know_ that she _lets_ you.” Garnet hissed, noticeably clenching her hands into fists. Already deducing why the two were suddenly in extra clothing, the fusion had already guessed they were hiding bruises, especially because she noticed Lapis’ lip cuts were reopened. But Jasper’s wasn’t, and on top of that Lapis was covering up much more skin than the Quartz; Garnet could tell Jasper was predominantly the rough one between them, and it twisted her stomach the wrong way thinking about how Lapis just takes it.

“H-hey, so Lapis, I’ve actually had some new ideas for some hobbies you and Jasper can do! Like, I was reading this book today and it said--” Steven stuttered to change the topic, but Jasper cut him off as well to keep the heated conversation with Garnet.

“ _’Lets me’_...? Stop making it seem like it’s something she doesn’t want. You don’t _know_ what Lapis wants.” Jasper asserted back, and suddenly Garnet finally went to take an aggressive step toward the Quartz, with Steven immediately whining and clinging to hold Garnet’s leg to get her to stop. But paying back the move, Jasper took a step forward of her own, feeling Lapis tug off of her arm bitterly with a stumble.

“Jasper, _you_ don’t know what I want either! You’re acting ridiculous; what I _want_ is for you to not pick fights!” The water gem scolded, and that earned a piercing side glance from Jasper.

“Not _now_ , Lapis. Stay out of it.” Jasper groaned back at the water gem’s insistence for her to remain passive, with a nervous Peridot stepping in slightly to speak up in defense of Lapis.

“C-come on, Jasper that’s no way to talk to her. After all, she’s your girlfriend, so you--”

“She’s _not_ my girlfriend.” Jasper interrupted once more with a growl, and Lapis actually took an insulted step back at how bitter the Quartz sounded.

“Wait, but… _isn’t_ she?” The small green gem questionably shot back, a furrow of her brow playing on her features.

Lapis hissed in rage with the large gem, joining in. “Yeah. _Aren’t_ I, Jasper?”

The Quartz blinked twice, slouching in annoyance that Lapis was making their relationship look bad right in front of Garnet. She gave a half-hearted turn to face the blue gem, willing to offer an open-ended answer to appease her, but still being too clouded by irritation to form a less rude response. “I don’t care. Look, you can be whatever you want to be.” Jasper offered to try and get Lapis to back down, but it only further upset her.

“No, Jasper, that’s not good enough! What the hell do you _think_ we are!?”

“What?? Uggh, I don’t _know_!?? There’s not exactly a word for _whatever_ we’re doing, is there??” The Quartz grounded her teeth now that she had become the antagonist to both Lapis and Garnet, not intending to make the blue gem upset but also not having the temper to currently deal with how Lapis felt in a proper manner. They’ve went from enemies to abusers to a messy relationship of healing, and it was all too much to fit down into one term.

“Yes there _is_ , so just say it!” The water gem was now by Peridot’s side, refusing to go back to the Quartz until she admitted what their relationship was.

The Quartz groaned even louder, thinking very poorly for a second before haphazardly responding.

“Hell, I don’t know… Fusion partners?? Is _that_ what you want to hear???” Jasper shot back, and Lapis’ expression twisted in disgust.

“ _Seriously_?”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Lapis! Just _tell_ me, I’m not up for this stupid game!!”

But the water gem merely gave a remorseful shake of her head, frowning bitterly. “ _No_. I’m not going to tell you, you’re going to stay here and figure that out by _yourself_.” At that, she set a hand on the bewildered green gem’s shoulder, who was growing incredibly more uncomfortable the longer the argument went on. But the hand was merely an emphasis for Lapis’ intent: she was going to leave.

There was a sudden choke, and Jasper’s expression bordered on the mix of confused and distressed. “B-by _myself_ …?”

Lapis gave a curt nod. “You can survive without me. And right now, I think I want some space. So yeah, you’re figuring that out by yourself.” The blue gem gave a lazy tilt of her head in Steven’s direction, carelessly resting a hand on her hip in doing so. “Mind if I crash the night with you and Peri?”

Steven gave a hesitant nod back, before giving a guilty glance at Jasper. But the Quartz didn’t even pay him a notice; her golden eyes were locked onto Lapis, wide and taken aback.

“Hell _no_! You can’t leave me _alone_!”

Lapis tossed a harsh glance back at her, her navy eyes cold and narrow. “I just _did_ , Jasper.”

The Quartz growled, resisting the urge to yank Lapis back over to her. It was taking every willpower she could muster to not get physical about this, because if it really came down to it, she can’t force Lapis to stay with her. If Lapis wanted to spend a night with Peridot and Steven, then anything Jasper does to intervene would just be feeding straight into what Garnet expects their relationship to be: Jasper forcing and coercing Lapis into whatever she wanted her to be doing. But Garnet was wrong, Lapis was her own gem, and the fact she was leaving Jasper alone for the night proved right then and there that Jasper didn’t control what she did.

After a few tense moments, Garnet looked visibly surprised that Jasper didn’t make a move to grab at Lapis, nor say anything forceful to prevent her from leaving. Rather, the Quartz stood rather silent, taken aback in shock and tad bit of heartbreak that Lapis wanted distance.

“I’ll stay with her.”

Everyone suddenly turned to unexpectedly face Garnet, whom unnecessarily volunteered to keep the Quartz company. Jasper opened her mouth to say something spiteful, but Lapis spoke before she could start.

“Perfect. There you go, Jasper. Now you don’t have to be alone.”

Lapis pivoted with an obvious stumble, still sore but seeming confident nonetheless. There was a slight tug of her slender hand on Steven’s sleeve.

“Come on, let’s go. It’s been ages since I’ve left this barn.”

He blinked twice in hesitation, glancing at Peridot to find an answer. But the green gem was just as uncomfortably confused as him, and thus he had to deduce his own.

“Y-yeah, sure. Umm… I guess I’ll see you two tomorrow?” Steven tossed his eyes over to Jasper and Garnet, of which only the fusion nodded in agreement. Jasper was still stuck in disbelief this was actually happening.

But with that, Steven, Lapis, and Peridot all turned to leave, and watching the gem that had stuck by her ever since her reformation walk away from her sunk a painful weight in Jasper’s chest, and she bit her lip bitterly when she felt a weak feeling of despair curl in her.

It was only going to be a night. But Jasper already wanted Lapis back.

How she was going to survive with Garnet is beyond her.

 

\-----------------------

 

“ _Fuck_!! Fuck, fuck!!! I can't _believe_ this, fuck!!” The Quartz had been pacing around and cursing in the barn for the last forty minutes since Lapis left, and Garnet hadn't said a word. Merely, she lounged quietly on their barn’s couch, watching Jasper in observation and still trying to figure out why she didn't force Lapis to stay.

“What else could've she wanted?? Are we _not_ fusion partners?!? Fuck, why couldn't that been good _enough_?!?” She continuously yelled to herself, never once acknowledging Garnet during the entirety of her self-pity tantrum. The fusion narrowed her eyes curiously as she watched on. And finally, for the first time since Jasper and her had been left alone, she heard the edge of the Quartz’ voice just barely waver with the ghost of a tremble.

“I-I can’t believe she actually left me _alone_. Fuck, she… w-why’d she…”

Suddenly, and to Garnet’s mild surprise, Jasper finally ceased her pacing to drop down to the floor in defeat, throwing her face into her hands.

“Why'd she _actually_ l-leave…?” This time, the waver was strong in the Quartz’ voice, and it was clear she was dangerously close to tears despite trying her best to stay composed and strong in front of Garnet. For a few moments, the fusion left her there, not moving an inch as Jasper whined longingly into her hands to have Lapis back. She was acting like the water gem was gone forever, and the longer she watched Jasper, the more confused she got that this was all over Lapis wanting to spend the night away from her.

“Why didn't you stop her from leaving, Jasper?” Garnet finally spoke up, the curiosity burning in her too strong. She was still not able to deduce why Jasper didn't just physically pull Lapis back or command her to stay, given that that's what their relationship had seemed like from her perspective.

Jasper’s face slowly lifted from her large hands, her expression twisting in disgust to Garnet’s question.

“Fuck _you_. You think I treat her _sooo_ badly, hell you probably been wanting her to leave.”

But Garnet’s lip only curved slightly into a frown, her temper remarkably composed. After all, she could tell the Quartz’ eyes were starting to water, and she could also see Jasper was doing everything to hide it. There’s no use yelling at someone who’s already yelling at themselves, but that wasn’t going to hold Garnet back from making Jasper feel worse about it.

“This isn't _my_ fault. Lapis is mad with you. I had nothing to do with it.”

“I already fucking _know_ that! But what else could've she wanted from me!?” The Quartz scolded back, with a surprising lack of accusation in her voice. She wasn't blaming Garnet; she was blaming herself, but freely taking out her frustrations on the fusion for volunteering to stay with her. Jasper had not the slightest clue why she would either, as all she's really done is sit back and watch Jasper ramble to the point where she was on the verge of tears. Perhaps if Garnet wasn't here, the Quartz would've been a bit more open with her self-pity, but since she was Jasper was going to keep as strong and she could. Lapis was the only one she felt comfortable acting weak around, but now she was gone and Jasper never realized how much comfort her company gave her.

“So you _didn't_ honestly know?” Garnet replied with a little cock of her head to the side; she thought the rude Quartz purposefully undermined Lapis by calling them fusion partners. Yet Jasper looked flustered and taken aback, as if Garnet knew something she didn't.

“Don’t act like you actually _do_ ,” Jasper sneered bitterly, although with a quick wipe at her eyes while doing so. She wasn't going to cry; not in front of Garnet. Even though she was confused and heartbroken and just wanted Lapis here to make it better, she wasn't going to show she was that weak. Jasper kept telling herself Quartz soldiers don't need others to make themselves stronger, even if she hardly believed in that notion anymore.

“Jasper, she was obviously insulted you acted like your relationship with her was insignificant,” Garnet filled in, lifting up off the couch to fold her arms. The longer this went on, the more her expectations weren't coming to fruition; Jasper was combating her disagreement with Lapis through sorrow rather than rage, and only harbored angry at herself instead of the blue gem. It didn't line up quite how the fusion expected their dynamics to work.

“Shut up!! You don't _know_ her!! You don't know how she _feels_!!!” A defensively livid voice shot back, clearly laced with Jasper’s projected emotions. The Quartz didn't want to admit it, but it was really _her_ that didn't understand how Lapis felt. After taking so long to finally find out how long Lapis was trapped in the mirror, Jasper realized she skimmed over a lot about the water gem’s past. Hell, Peridot was even right about before-- Jasper didn't even bother asking about how Lapis was during the week she was recovering. But those feelings were hard to confront, and the Quartz wasn't willing to admit she was scared she knew so little about the gem she loved. Therefore, she was going to push those feelings onto Garnet, and hopefully ignore them as long as she could.

“And why _would_ you care about that, Jasper?? She's not here, it's just the two of us; so tell me honestly, why do you _actually_ care about any of this?!?” Finally, Garnet let out the real reason why she was here. No more beating around the bush, she wanted to know Jasper’s reasoning to stay with Lapis when the Quartz haven't proven her motives in the past to go far from violence and domination of her opponents. In fact, Garnet already knew that was the reason she came back after the boat incident-- Jasper showed up to dominate Lapis all those weeks ago, yet after Lapis returned the favor the Quartz didn't make any more predictable moves that aligned with what Garnet’s image of her.

Jasper let out a stifled noise of distress, her teeth biting so hard into her lips that Garnet saw it start to nick at the almost-healed marks Malachite’s fangs left. Not deterring the larger gem, she continued to frustratingly worry her lip until it was reopened like Lapis’, starting to taste the slight tinge of blood and realizing just hard she was biting her plump lips. But she was far from caring; she was holding a fervent debate whether or not she should tell Garnet the truth, or throw a cocky jab and hope she might just shut up for the rest of the night. Eventually, she picked the latter to keep with her strong aura, even if it was crumbling the longer she sat pitifully on the floor.

“Oh, do you think now that we’re all alone, it’s time for me to confess my evil plans? Is that it?? Is that why you decided to stay the night with me!?!” The Quartz sneered with a sloppy and unclear push off the ground, stumbling to stand as the taller gem and strike herself as intimidating rather than pitiful.

Rather than going to increase the aggression, Garnet settled back on her hip, showing she rather talk it out this time around. After all, if they fight, it’ll only end with one of them eventually poofing the other. If Garnet was the one to get poofed, the Quartz wouldn’t exactly have much else to do since she would only do it to assert herself as being stronger, and simply leave Ruby’s and Sapphire’s gems to reform. And if Jasper was the one to get poofed, Garnet could only either do the same and just wait for her to reform (of which would just mean the Quartz would come back enraged and looking for a rematch), or she could bubble her off to the temple. Yet with how attached Lapis was to the Quartz, the water gem would probably fight with all her power to get Jasper back if she ended up bubbled. Which means, fighting is only going to keep setting them back to square one; they needed to just talk.

“Settle down. I decided to stay here with you because you surprised me. You’re not acting like how I expected.” The fusion confessed, but Jasper wasn’t willing to be civil like her just yet.

“I’m sorry, expected my only personality trait to be _aggression_? It’s not, and I’m not something you get to fucking analyze.” A hissed response countered, as Jasper knew Garnet was basing her assumptions purely off of the Quartz’ violent nature.

“I never said that. Rather, I assumed you would’ve done something to stop Lapis from leaving. Did you not want her to stay?” She elaborated, further explaining what exactly Jasper did to surprise her so much.

Jasper gave another quick wipe of her eyes, of which were still piercing and dangerous despite watering in pity to being left by Lapis. “Of _course_ I wanted her to fucking stay.” The Quartz gritted out, not revealing much else.

“Then why didn’t you physically stop her? You’ve never seemed above using violence against her before.” Garnet deduced, with a slight tilt of her head curiously.

The Quartz groaned, looking away bitterly. “Not anymore. I promised not to ever hurt her again,” Jasper reluctantly confided, hoping the answer would satisfy Garnet and end the questioning. But the fusion seemed mildly intrigued, and knit her brow.

“When’d you do that? Actually, more importantly, _why_?? You use to have such a strong inclination to push her around,” Garnet implored, although with a lack of blame or aggression in her voice. She genuinely was trying to understand how this was the same Jasper that yanked Lapis around when they first arrived on Earth, locked her up for withholding petty information, forcefully kept her from escaping the crashed warship, coerced her to fuse, and took advantage of her when Lapis was alone in the barn. It didn’t add up for Jasper to suddenly have a change of heart just because Lapis paid her back for what she did; if anything, Garnet would think that’ll only make Jasper more willing to hurt the blue gem in retaliation.

But those golden eyes reluctantly returned to Garnet, sharp and transparent despite their frustrated sorrow. “I promised her after I reformed. I _never_ wanted her to feel like that again.” Jasper’s expression was alert, but dull in exhaustion from suppressing her urge to break out a mournful tears. It was successful nonetheless; her eyes weren’t as teary and her voice no long had a pitiful tremble to it.

“You mean, how she made you feel? You only started caring after you felt how bad it was to be taken advantage of??” Garnet could’ve delivered the words less direct, because she saw Jasper flinch at them.

“I didn’t _understand_ how much I’d hurt her, okay?? So shut up. I’m not hurting her anymore, and that’s all you should care about.” Jasper sharply hissed to try and escape further pestering. But rather than sympathizing with the Quartz in pity for what she went through, Garnet still didn’t feel for her very much and refrained from offering any comforting words. She still thought Jasper was in the wrong for hurting Lapis first, and she was fast to make the larger gem aware of that.

“You didn’t understand…? Then maybe you _deserved_ her violating you back. Ever think about that, Jasper?” Garnet bitterly shot, not liking the idea that the Quartz was feeling bad for herself when Lapis had to go through it first. But, she was surprised once more when Jasper replied with a dark chuckle.

“It’s all I _ever_ think about,” she replied cynically, open about her own hatred and blame for what she did. There was never a passing moment she felt like what Lapis did to her was unfair, despite how many times the blue gem had apologized and told her she never deserved it. The Quartz will always feel like it was all her fault for showing up again and throwing Lapis onto the ground to take her against her will, ignoring all her pleads for her to leave her alone. Perhaps, maybe if she would’ve listened back on the boat to Lapis and gave her the respect of acknowledging the blue gem didn’t want to be with her, this wouldn’t be happening. Maybe Lapis would be living happily with Peridot in the barn, without Jasper. Maybe she’ll smile more often, find more things to laugh and take joy in.

Jasper never stops thinking about that. That Lapis could’ve been happier without her.

And so the Quartz felt she deserved everything that Lapis did to her, because Jasper took that potential life of happiness away from her.

Which made Garnet visibly startled, expecting Jasper to fight her on it, not… _agree_ that she deserved being raped.

“W-what…?”

“Honestly, she should’ve shattered me. But even that wouldn’t right my wrong, would it?” Jasper mused darkly, delivering forth way more guilt for her actions than Garnet ever imagined the ruthless Quartz having.

In an uncharacteristic move, Jasper stumbled back with a groan at all the discomfort of admitting her guilt, and brought a shaky hand to her head when she began to feel in ache from stress. Garnet was frozen, and quite honestly trying to readjust and realign the whole situation in her head counting in the fact Jasper harbored so much self-hatred and blame for what she did. She hardly noticed the Quartz suddenly winced.

“Fuck. She wanted me to call us lovers, didn’t she?” Jasper murmured in realization to the question that caused Lapis to leave in the first place. Garnet hesitantly nodded in agreement, confused that it took Jasper so long to figure it out. But she was not dedicating enough thought to the notion, what with the sudden double-take her mind was still doing on everything she thought about the Quartz.

“No wonder I didn’t get it,” Jasper sighed gloomily and brought her other large hand up to once again press her face into her palms. “I can’t see myself as her lover, or even as her girlfriend. No matter what I do, the only thing I can see myself as is her fucking _rapist_. H-how am I supposed to call us lovers when I was so awful to her…?”

To surprise Garnet even more so than she already was, Jasper let out a bitter sob into her hands, finally giving up her tough act and admitting she’s never forgiven herself. But the fusion was finally stitching it together, and realizing now that Jasper sincerely regretted everything she’s ever done to hurt Lapis. She wasn’t staying with Lapis just to have the water gem’s immense power on her side, nor to just have a crutch to lean on while she was recovering.

She was staying because she actually cared about how she impacted Lapis, and had a real desire to see her get better.

The fusion had a hitch in her breathing with a tad bit of sorrow. “I-Is that what she tells you…?” Garnet unsteadily asked, still unsure how the usually-confident Quartz could’ve felt so guilty all on her own.

Jasper chuckled tragically, lifting her head for Garnet to see the bitter tears rolling down her face.

“That's the worst part. She doesn’t. Lapis, she… she actually told me I’m a perfect lover--” Jasper’s voice broke up in distress before continuing, “--C-can you _believe_ that?? After all I did… She calls me perfect.”

There was a slight choke, and the Quartz wasn’t going to hold back anymore. If Garnet was so determined to find out what was beneath all that aggression and rage, then she was going to get it.

“ _Nothing_ about me is perfect. The closest I’ve ever felt to perfection was being fused with her; Lapis, she’s… she’s ethereal. Never in my existence have I felt so many things before, and she’s always wants to give me more. More sympathy, more forgiveness, more hope, more… _Love_.” A longing hand cupped over her gem, running over it and remembering how mislead she’s been her entire life to only serve and fulfill one purpose. “My life is finally _more_ than just fighting. It’s more than just being the ideal soldier. Sure, Lapis isn’t flawless… But she’s the only one to give me a chance to be something _more_.”

The Quartz’ hand shook slightly where it lingered over her gem, and lightly blinked twice in thought over how incredible it was that something so uplifting could arise from what was once hatred and mistrust. It made her slightly wince, dropping her large hand off and away from her gem in self-disgust.

“And I shouldn’t deserve any of it. I’m… I’m going to _ruin_ her…” Garnet could see Jasper’s pupils narrow slightly in fear as she spoke, and for the first time she discovered that Jasper felt she was the worst thing that had ever happened to Lapis. Hell, she thought that she was going to ruin Lapis by merely being the object of her love.

It took a moment for Garnet to realize she was fumbling with her hands, with Ruby and Sapphire equally clinging onto one another through Garnet at the sudden influx of understanding. They knew how it felt to love someone so much, that fears of the worst came out. Early on, their insecurities of how enthralling it was to be with one another ran wild, and both were shrouded in doubts if what they were doing was right.

Perhaps Jasper and Lapis didn’t start off as pleasant as them, but from what Jasper was saying… The feelings between them were as dedicated as Ruby’s and Saphhire’s to each other, despite the riddling abuse that marred the two Homeworld gem’s history. Garnet never expected to see the Quartz soldier as anything more than she led on to be: aggressive and self-interested.

But Lapis has. And now Garnet just finally started to understand.

Jasper shivered when a compassionate hand rested on her back, and for a sliver of a moment she felt like it was Lapis; after all, the water gem was the only one who showed the Quartz understanding. But rather, it was Garnet, and her flustered golden eyes widen in slight turmoil that it wasn’t Lapis here to comfort her. Nevertheless, she didn’t refuse the gesture.

“I… I never cared to think that you wanted the best for her. I still don’t believe you’re fit for each other, but…” Garnet slightly sighed in hesitation to continue, “But even though it’s not easy for you two to be together, you’re trying your hardest. And… I’m sorry I took that away from you earlier today.”

Jasper felt her lean in, and she hiccup slightly as her breathing wavered to calm down from her weeping. Garnet’s arms opening wrapped around her in an apologetic hug, trusting and secure.

“You’re _trying_ , Jasper. I finally see that now.”

The Quartz sunk into the embrace slightly, but her mind kept wandering on. It didn’t matter that Garnet knew she was trying; Lapis didn’t, and now she wants distance just for Jasper to come up with an answer she should’ve know right away.

And while Jasper may know it now, it can’t undo how insensitive she acted today.

She keeps making so many mistakes. She was constantly trying to fix one thing after another.

How she was the perfect lover in Lapis’ eyes will always escape her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter cuts to Lapis and the little sleepover she's having with Peri and Steven. 
> 
> Sorry again for the short chapter, still promising another within a week's time though. Even if I do start _another_ jaspis fic (which I totally will after I decide whether or not it's going to be fluff, angst, or smut), my updates will stay at a week. Also, I kinda wanted this chapter to be sadder, but it just wasn't going that way so I ended up settling for this lukewarm sadness. Sorry for that, too :c
> 
> Anyways, feel free to leave a comment, I love reading and replying to them! Also, if you got any recommendations for the third fic I'm gonna start, I'd love to hear.


	8. Memories Turn Into Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis gets advice from Peridot and Steven, and realizes distance isn't going to help her feelings. If Lapis wants her and Jasper to understand one another, then they have to talk it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry this is late, this last week I've been on an anti-depressant withdrawal so I've had a hard time writing because I was basically nauseous 24/7 and unable to really concentrate on anything. Still tried writing when I could, but I will admit that this chapter was tough just because I wrote it with a foggy head :c
> 
> But today I'm getting back on my medicine so I should be back to myself by tomorrow, which hopefully means I'll be able to concentrate on writing more! 
> 
> Anyways, sorry again for the lateness and sorry that the tone of this chapter might sound a bit off. I hope it's satisfactory enough, but it's totally understandable if you guys don't think it is lol

Due to the shortness of the evening visit, the sunset’s twilight colors illuminated Steven’s house softly in lieu of lunar light, as the rain clouds from earlier that had yet to melt into the sky served to mute the moon’s radiance. A tad in awe, Lapis lightly gasped at the cozy atmosphere once the three gems had warped there. But Steven and Peridot simply stepped off the warp pad without giving the room further thought, and hesitantly the blue gem followed whilst still admiring the delicate atmosphere. It really has been awhile since she'd left that barn.

Once Steven gathered up a handful of blankets and threw them haphazardly onto the living room floor, he gave a sweet smile as his hands went to his hips.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom to get into my pajamas-- Lapis, are you gonna sleep in that jacket and scarf? It doesn't look too comfortable.” The young boy inquired, still convinced she was doing it as a hobby. The blue gem gave a flustered blush, and shortly glanced over to Peridot to see if she shared the same obliviousness. But rather, the green gem had already pieced together the suspicious clothing with Garnet’s remark about Jasper ‘marking her up’, and returned an equally flustered look instead of help.

There was a slight sigh from Lapis, knowing that Peridot already knew she had bruises to keep hidden but didn’t know how to help her keep it secret from Steven.

“Actually, sleeping isn’t my kind of thing. So I’ll keep them on; I’m staying up anyways,” Lapis’ excuse was poor but true, as she had no intentions on actually sleeping. She’ll let herself doze off whenever Jasper fell asleep on her, but Lapis found that sleeping by herself was rather upsetting. It felt sad not to have someone to cuddle up and embrace, and pining over those thoughts indirectly coiled a bundle of yearn to have Jasper back with her. But Lapis quickly tried to dismiss that feeling; she's supposed to be mad at the Quartz, not missing her.

“Awwe, so I’m going to be the only one sleeping??” The boy dejectedly responded with a little glance at the green gem, whom offered an apologetic shrug. Peridot didn't care for sleeping either.

With a defeated drop of his head, Steven sighed before finally excusing himself to the bathroom to dress and get ready for bed, leaving the two gems alone.

The minute the bathroom door was shut, Peridot broke out a soft laugh, as if she’s been trying to keep it in. With a furrow of her brow, Lapis scowled questioningly in return.

“I can't believe you're going the rest of the night like that! Come on, whatever you're covering up can't be that noticeable. It's pretty dark in here,” the green gem filled in, amusement thick in her voice whilst she gestured to the darken room around them. The twilight colors had melted into stygian navies, leaving most of the house shrouded in heavy darkness.

Lapis tsked, slightly amused herself. “You’d be surprised,” she murmured as her hand tugged down the edge of her scarf to show off the veil of dark hickeys and bite marks decorating her neck. At Peridot’s unexpected gasp, Lapis pulled the scarf back up with a little smirk.

“Our little secret?” The blue gem offered childishly, as Peridot was the only one who actually saw the marks besides Jasper. Garnet might assume they exist, but she hasn’t confirmed it with her own eyes.

A tiny smile returned, as Peridot was glad Lapis was mending the close friendship they use to have back when they lived at the barn. The symbolic effort windowed Lapis’ intentions on not shutting the green gem out of her life now that she was with Jasper; they still got to be friends, even if they don't live together anymore.

“Yeah. Our little secret,” she agreed with a warm smile emphasizing her contentment at the gesture.

Before the blue gem could respond, the door to the bathroom reopened with the redressed boy strolling back over to join the other two gems, sitting down on the layers of blankets once he reached them. Following along, Lapis and Peridot sunk to the floor too, with the blue gem stifling a quiet wince at her soreness.

“Pearl doesn’t like when I stay up late, but a sleepover should be an exception!” Steven beamed in excitement for his two friends to be staying the night, as he was determined to stay up as long as he could to make the most of it.

“Don’t you kinda have a sleepover every night with Peridot, though?” Lapis chuckled, and the young boy gave a pouty cross of his arms as he looked over to the green gem.

“I wish! She always ignores me for her tablet,”

“Hey-! I’m doing important research, you know!” The green gem shot back, and Lapis snorted with an arch of her brow, doubting Peridot ever does anything important on her tablet. Surprisingly enough, Steven seemed to smother his poutiness at that, and sighed slightly in reluctant agreement.

“Yeah, but everyone’s _always_ doing important research…” He grumbled dejectedly, and Peridot gave a mildly sympathetic shrug. Lapis however, bore a much bewildered look.

“Research? On what??” She finally pressed, with a dapple of obvious confusion at whatever important research was occupying everyone’s time. Whenever Pearl and Steven visited in the evenings, the topic of conversation was almost predominantly focused on how the two Homeworld gems were doing, and a sudden lurch of realization hit the blue gem that she’s been much out of the loop with Steven’s whereabouts these days.

Bestowing her concerns with a light hearted shoo of her hand, as if it was matters not important enough to discuss, Peridot elaborated for her. “The Crystal Gems have been facing some issues up North. They think two corrupted gems might be running loose in the area,” with a know-it-all sigh, the green gem continued, “But they’re too fast, and the snow keeps their tracks covered. I keep insisting that we should block off the area and wait until Spring, but Garnet keeps saying we must deal with it now.”

Steven gave a little nod of agreement, “It’ll take longer sealing the valley’s entrance, so everyone’s busy trying to find out how we’re gonna catch them.”

A staggering strike of guilt intensified in Lapis’ chest, and she gave an apologetic frown.

“Why didn’t you tell me…?”

Both Steven and Peridot gave one another a short glance, and the blue gem’s frown only deepened at that.

“You seemed stressed enough dealing with Jasper, so we didn’t want to worry you.” The small boy spoke up, after waiting a moment in hope Peridot would answer instead. But the green gem seemed just as uninclined to deal with the touchy situation as him. It wasn’t as if they were purposefully keeping Lapis in the dark, but everyone more or less agreed that her and Jasper were dealing with too many problems on their own to help out. Especially considering that Jasper would have little motivation to help anyways, as her allegiance to the Crystal Gems is merely an unspoken paper-thin agreement that they’ll leave her alone if she stays away from the temple and doesn’t cause trouble. The Quartz’ only reason to stay on neutral ground with them is solely her relationship with Lapis, but even that is a struggle in itself what with how atrociously her and Garnet has been clashing when they’re around each other. It almost makes Lapis feel a bit bad for leaving her alone for the night with her, and whilst she tried telling herself Garnet is too mature to use the situation as an opportunity to battle Jasper again in her distressed state, a little nook of worry nestled in the back of her mind. Mad at the Quartz or not, Lapis didn’t want her getting hurt for saying something crude to set off Garnet. She knew very well that Jasper’s volatile temper made her say abhorrent things, and without Lapis there to mellow her out, she could get out of hand very fast.

“If there’s a problem, I want to help.” Lapis insisted to break her thoughts off on the situation she left the Quartz in; Jasper was her own gem, and Lapis had to trust she could handle herself for a night.

There was a little cock of Peridot’s head, and she wore a slight smile to ease the mood. “No offense, Lapis, but I don’t think you’d be able to seal the valley. And as for bringing down the monsters, you’re, errr, how do I put this?” Thinking with avid intent on trying to phrase herself correctly (as Steven had reminded Peridot several times that she tends to offend people without meaning to), the green gem treaded cautiously as she concluded, “Lapis Lazulis aren’t really, umm, _made_ for fighting.”

Already, Steven gave a little shake of his head in disapproval, mouthing a ‘no’ to Peridot to indicate that what she said was rude. The green gem clung too fervently to the Homeworld caste system, though, and rethinking it made her expression grow a slight blush reevaluating what she had said.

It was true enough, though. Lapis may be powerful, but her body definitely wasn’t one that could endure much in a real battle. Even back in the war, all it took to cripple her into her gem was single, harsh punch into her back. She simply wasn’t meant for durability.

“Ah, I’m sorry that’s not what I meant--” Peridot began to correct herself, but Lapis cut her off.

“No, no. You’re right, I’m not too much of a fan of fighting… But, what will it take to seal the valley…?” She switched the focus to tailor it more towards her abilities, as even though taking down two corrupted gems might not be her style, she could still offer her hydrokinesis.

A stir of confusion settled on Peridot’s face that Lapis was still insistent on helping them out, whilst Steven looked rather relieved she wasn’t offended over not being fit enough to hunt down the snow monsters.

“The valley’s entrance is expansive, so if you’re thinking you can hold up a wall of water until it freezes, it won’t work. You’ll exhaust yourself long before the air could solidify it into ice,” with a little shrug to emphasize that she was just stating the facts rather than discrediting Lapis’ power, Peridot gave a soft curve of her lip to frown. But to both her and Steven’s surprise, a little glint shimmered in Lapis’ navy eyes when she caught an idea.

“But… What if I can turn it to ice _without_ waiting for the air to freeze it…?”

Suspiciously, Peridot’s eyes narrowed. “Huh? But isn't ice too difficult for you to maintain…?”

Steven nodded in agreement, as Lapis always kept water at liquid state whilst she used it. It was physically exhausting for her to retain the same control when she’s tries to manipulate it into ice, thus why she hardly did so. But the blue gem gave a little shake of her head to cue the two that she was suggesting something else.

“Perhaps it’s difficult for me, but it isn’t for Malachite.” With a smirk, Lapis watched as both Steven and Peridot grew wide-eyed at the radical suggestion, and after a few seconds the boy gave a little gasp when he retrospectively remembered how fluidly Malachite could use ice in her fight against Alexandrite. At that, he beamed out an ecstatic smile at the prospect of meeting Malachite on good terms. When Lapis and Jasper last fused into her, Garnet took him back to the temple without letting him see, and only explained to him afterwards that it was because she was there.

Yet Peridot was quick to be the voice of reason, stuttering at the suggestion of fusion being involved. “N-no, no! You two are too unstable, you can’t make Malachite!” She blurted, looking very uncomfortable. Even after understanding why Garnet stays fused all the time, the whole concept of two gems fusing outside of battle was still unnerving. “What if Jasper takes your control?!?”

With a furrow of her brow, Lapis dropped her downcast eyes dejectedly. “Actually, I’m the one that tends to take _her_ control. It was kinda the reason we fell apart last time.”

Her words sounded crossed between gloomy and regretful, and Steven had to intervene to ease up her self-blame for Malachite’s fall out.

“I’m sure Jasper knows you didn’t mean to,” he attempted to justify in hopes it would cast Lapis’ self doubts about fusing out of the way. After all, the suggestion of Malachite was way too exciting for him to let go that easily; he wanted to meet her, as her own gem. “How many times have you guys tried fusing?” He questioned shortly thereafter.

There was little hum that Lapis drew out before she responded, realizing that her and Jasper didn’t even purposefully fuse last time they made Malachite. It just happened as a pleasant little accident that they ended up having a little fun with, but they haven’t intentionally fused for a solid reason ever since the crash of the Homeworld warship. “We only fused once since she’s been living at the barn, but that wasn’t because we tried to. She just sorta caught me when I was falling back, and it made us fuse.”

Steven smiled wider, while Peridot adamantly kept to her little scowl. “That’s great though! You guys can fuse without even trying!” He praised with starry eyes at how happy he was for Lapis’ and Jasper’s fusion to come so far along. While Lapis had her doubts, Steven did have a point; two gems that could fuse without putting conscious thought into it must have a close, trusting relationship to make it happen. Which Malachite was able to reflect, as she was more stable and less monstrous than before.

But clinging to her insecurities, Lapis gave another shake of her head. “Even if that’s true, Malachite doesn’t have her own personality yet. Maybe Peridot’s right, we can be a tad unstable…” The more the blue gem reflected over her desperate usurp of Jasper’s control when they last fused, the more she was starting to regret bringing it up. Honestly, she wasn’t even sure if Jasper would be comfortable fusing with her again after that. The Quartz seemed kind and understanding enough after the whole little incident, but Lapis knew it couldn’t have felt very good to be forcefully restrained in Malachite for the few moments Lapis relapsed.

“Exactly my point! Besides, aren’t you and Jasper technically mad at one another right now?” Peridot reminded, with Steven shooting the green gem a sour look from keeping Lapis back from her suggestion of fusing Malachite again.

There was a careless shrug of her shoulder from the blue gem, pretending like she wasn’t bothered by Jasper’s attitude that day. “I… I’m not _mad_ , per se.” She fibbed as she dropped her eyes to the floor. Hearing Peridot say it almost made her feel a bit unreasonable for how she acted; she was more hurt than she was mad, but the emotions got all muddled in her head the longer she dwelled on them.

“It’s okay if you are, we all get mad sometimes,” Steven encouraged with a pat on her back, still trying to warm her up to the idea of fusing. “I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you!” He concluded with a slight smile.

Lapis mumbled under her breath, still balancing out whether or not she could even be mad at what Jasper said when she probably didn’t even mean it. After all, that morning the Quartz was able to say she loved her. Even if the confession was an accident, she still admitted it was true. Why Jasper couldn’t label their relationship as anything more than ‘fusion partners’ was bothersome, but the blue gem wondered if it really mattered when she already made her feelings clear to Lapis.

Seeing the blue gem begin to bite her lip in discomfort to reevaluating the conversation from earlier that day, Peridot gave in to try and comfort her too.

“Err, yeah, she probably didn’t _mean_ it. Don’t worry about it, Lapis.” The green gem reluctantly agreed.

“But you guys didn’t think it was a little… _weird_ , of her…?” Lapis slowly asked, needing some sort of outside input to help her reflect on how fair she acted in response to Jasper that day. She wanted some sort of confirmation that she wasn’t being unreasonable to leave the Quartz for a night over what was probably a slip of the tongue that didn’t mean anything.

Peridot and Steven both glanced at one another in hesitation to answer that for her.

“We, um… won’t know. You know her better than us, I mean was it really that unusual for her to say you two were fusion partners?” The boy cautiously offered, and the blue gem turned a bit rigid at the reminder that Steven and Peridot both weren't close with Jasper.

Lapis was the only one that really knew her. And even then, the Quartz was hesitant to define them as anything more than fusion partners.

An miserable thought settled in the back of her mind when Lapis mentally dissected her and Jasper’s conversations that day, as she remembered how adamantly the Quartz tried to convince her that Jaspers made poor lovers. A little hiss followed her recognition of why Jasper was so reluctant to call them more than fusion partners, and a settle of guilt washed over Lapis that she acted so callously with the Quartz.

It wasn’t that Jasper didn’t want to admit their relationship was meaningful. She just felt as if she couldn’t be a good enough lover to acknowledge that her and Lapis were close enough to be on that term with one another.

And it only served to make Lapis feel that much worse that she left Jasper all alone with her insecurities rather than talk it out with her.

“You’re right. I _do_ know her better…” She sighed as she pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead, realizing she should’ve pieced it together way sooner than this. “Just… why can’t this be something _easy_ to do?? To understand what she meant without starting up this whole mess…”

Lapis bowed her head slightly as she confided in her two friends for advice, and whilst neither Peridot or Steven would have much of a clue how to sort out relationships with their lack of experience (not to mention Jasper’s and Lapis’ relationship was as complicated as it gets, considering all the stages they’ve been through with one another to get up to this point), but they were still quick to be reassuring.

“Hey, just because things aren’t that easy doesn’t mean you should give up! Both of you are trying really hard!” Steven quickly insisted, and Peridot gave a nod of agreement.

But Lapis was quick to reject their attempts to comfort her, glancing up to give a little scowl. “Trying isn’t enough if we still can’t understand one another. I just…” There was a bitter sigh as she finished with a little murmur, “I wish I could just tell Jasper that she’s _more_ than a fusion partner to me. I want her to acknowledge that we've come so far…”

Lapis knew that Jasper needed to hear that from her. She only wished she could’ve told Jasper that earlier that day, instead of inconsiderately telling the Quartz she ought to come to that conclusion herself.

The boy shifted nervously, not knowing how to make the situation better, whilst Peridot bluntly spoke up.

“Well… Why don’t you?? I mean, nothing’s really stopping you, right…?” The green gem shrugged, and Lapis’ shoulders slightly jumped at how easy Peridot made it seem.

“B-but I told her to figure it out on her own! I… I can’t take that back just like that…” Lapis nervously returned, but Peridot seemed less than satisfied with her reluctance.

“Yes, you can! Just _tell_ her. Lapis you…” The green gem bit her lip in as she thought how to word herself. “You have to have faith that she’ll understand.”

With a few blinks at the her response, Lapis let Peridot’s advice steep in, before struggling to push herself back off the ground into a study stand.

“You’re right. I need to tell her.” At that, there was another sore stumble as she stepped off the blanket, and Steven jumped to his feet in a startle.

“W-wait, right now?? It’s almost midnight!”

Lapis tossed him a glance over her shoulder, giving him a slight smile. “All the more reason I should go. You need to get to bed, Steven.”

With a little grumble at her correct assertion, he murmured a little dejected ‘yeah’. Even if gems don’t sleep, he still thought she was going to stay the night.

Peridot took a more understanding approach, and gave an encouraging thumbs-up, glad Lapis was taking her advice.

“Remember to be honest with her!” Peridot shouted as Lapis stepped onto the warp pad. The blue gem gave a gracious smile that the two were there to talk to her, and at that, she warped herself off to the barn.

 

\-----------------------

 

There was a series of scenarios Lapis prepared herself for while approaching the barn.

Best case she could think of was Garnet and Jasper simply were ignoring one another, and hopefully the Quartz was doing something to take her mind off the conversation from earlier. Maybe reading, drawing, or even watching TV… anything that kept her from fighting Garnet, Lapis hoped she was doing.

One of the more worse cases, however, burn strongly in the back of her mind. That the Quartz in her agitated, destructive state of mind did everything in her power to engage Garnet into a fight. If that was the case, the blue gem hoped neither one of them was poofed, for it would make the situation way messier to try and fix.

Yet out of all the scenarios that played through her head, Lapis still managed to gasp in surprise when she entered the barn. It was the last situation she would've expected to walk in on; Jasper and Garnet were sitting in the middle of the room facing one another, their conversation quiet and low with the fusion’s hand consolingly rubbing Jasper’s shoulder as they spoke. While Garnet wore a rather neutral expression, Jasper’s was mildly stressed with a concerned knit brow and watery eyes. For a few moments, Lapis watched the two in her confusion at why Jasper’s appearance suggested she's been crying and why it looked as if Garnet was comforting her through it.

Yet it only took a few seconds for her presence to be noticed, and there was an audible gasp when Jasper spotted her standing at the barn’s entrance.

“Lapis?!” Jasper blurted out without even trying to hide the startle in her voice. In a hasty push off the ground, the larger gem sloppily stood up, not even giving any explanation to her teary eyes nor questioning Lapis’ early return. Instead, Jasper immediately rushed over to Lapis, pulling the smaller gem into her arms for a desperate embrace.

It was too sudden for Lapis to say a word before she was pressed against Jasper’s body, and that warm contact was all it took for her to forget what she was going to say in favor of wrapping her slender arms around the Quartz’ torso as far as she could.

“You’re back.” Jasper murmured in relief, losing herself when her grip around Lapis got perhaps too tight for comfort. Yet the smaller gem didn't protest, and returned the neediness as she lightly clawed at jacket over the Quartz’ upper back in request to be lifted up. Despite not even saying the words, Jasper understood and gripped Lapis’ hips as she pulled her up.

“And you’re crying.” The smaller gem returned softly in lieu of an explanation, wrapping her legs around the larger gem’s waist to help hold herself up even though Jasper’s hands kept their grip on her hips. On level with her now, the Quartz let out a low, gentle chuckle in gratitude that Lapis no longer seemed angry, letting the blue gem relax a bit to see Jasper softly laugh.

When Lapis still withheld her explanation in favor of returning a gentle smile to the Quartz, Jasper leaned in to give a quick apologetic kiss on her cheek.

“I didn't mean to undermine what we have,” the larger gem tried to explain in attempt to patch the damage of her insensitive behavior earlier that day. However, the sound of Garnet walking over to them interrupted their little event before Lapis could respond, and with a slight blush she overtly averted her eyes away. She'd almost forgotten the other gem was here.

Jasper’s back was to Garnet, so only when she felt Lapis’ grip on her falter weakly did she realize she had to let her back down. But just as her large hands pushed the smaller gem up enough for her to untangle her legs, Garnet cut in to voice her support.

“Don't stop on my account. I’ve been talking to Jasper for the last hour, so how about you take over?” With a lean, Garnet gave a friendly pat on Lapis’ shoulder. When the blue gem hesitantly turned her head back over, she saw the fusion was wearing an encouraging smile.

“Oh?” She responded in mild surprise, mostly due to the fact Garnet was so casual about it. Last Lapis remembered, she was the main opposer to her and Jasper being together, but something had obviously recalibrated that attitude.

“I think I’m gonna leave early so I can relax. She was quite exhausting to talk with,” her words were a shallow jest to thinly hide her excuse for leaving the two Homeworld gems alone, and Jasper faintly grumbled at the light-hearted banter.

“Wouldn't blame you,” Lapis played along with the joke, whilst simultaneously adjusting her leverage to keep herself up and against the larger gem. Even though the Quartz rolled her eyes at the words, she obliged to Lapis’ efforts by gripping under her upper thighs to secure the smaller gem’s cling. Feeling Jasper’s hands under her, Lapis relaxed part of her weight trustingly into them with a content sigh.

As if approving of the situation, Garnet gave a slight nod to both the gems before exiting out the barn understandingly. They had some talking to do with one another, and the fusion wasn’t going to hold them back from it. Not this time.

The moment she was gone, Lapis pressed her face into Jasper’s neck so she didn’t have to look at her teary eyes. It wasn’t a good feeling to know that Lapis leaving her had unhinged the Quartz so deeply that she showed enough weakness in front of Garnet to cry. If it weren’t for this fight being over Jasper’s insensitivity, then Lapis would even be tempted to apologize right now.

But the larger gem had already taken that role with no hesitation, already murmuring tenderly to the gem clinging onto her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you leave, I never meant to upset you--”

“I know you didn’t.” Lapis cut in with a dreary sigh. She could feel it make the Quartz tense.

“I got a bit out of hand, too.” She explained to Jasper before the Quartz could go straight back into her desperate apologies.

The larger gem began to shift, trying to push back gently on Lapis so they could make eye contact, but the blue gem refused to follow along. It made Jasper frown, but she wasn't going to force Lapis to face her if she didn't want to. So instead, she gave her a few more moments against her neck, running her thumbs in understanding circles from where she was holding Lapis up by her thighs, comforting the blue gem into relaxing enough to continue with this conversation.

With a low huff, the Quartz felt Lapis’ warm voice against her neck when she finally spoke.

“Why were you crying, Jasper…?”

Whilst the quiet words felt hot against her skin almost to the point of blanketing Jasper’s body into a shiver, they carried more sorrow than they did judgement. Lapis knew the Quartz doesn't like to confess weakness, so she did her best to convey her genuine concern in her voice to coax out honesty from the larger gem.

A strain noise responded from the back of Jasper’s throat, almost sounding like a wince she was trying to stifle.

“I’ll tell you why I cried if you tell me why you came back,” she finally reasoned, pretending like she actually had grounds to get Lapis to talk first. The blue gem entertained her, nevertheless, and complied with a simple answer.

“I came back because there's something I need to tell you.”

From where she was against her neck, she could feel a stressed swallow from Jasper in anticipation for Lapis to continue. Yet, rather than elaborating, she shifted it back to Jasper’s turn to talk. “Now, why did you cry?”

Realizing the decoy answer to deflect the focus back onto her, there was a low chuckle from Jasper. But, it sounded borderline terrified rather than amused.

“I cried because there’s something I need to tell you, too.” She curtly responded, playing the same vague game Lapis was. But even that light confession was enough to make Jasper tremble slightly in discomfort. It felt like a hole was burning through her stomach, singeing her abdomen with a seize of stress at the idea of bringing up her insecurities with Lapis.

“You’re shivering.” Lapis’ voice was a dishearten acknowledgment to the tremble she felt from where she was up against Jasper’s neck, leading the smaller gem to tenderly press a few kisses against her skin to try and comfort her.

“I’ll tell you first, if it makes you feel better.” Lapis just barely murmured between the little kisses she was decorating Jasper’s neck with.

She felt another tense from the Quartz, but she gave a slight nod in agreement.

Taking in another moment to ghost her skin with a few more affectionate pecks, she finally murmured her confession against Jasper’s neck.

“You’re… You’re way more than a fusion partner to me. And it hurts that you don’t think you’re more than that, I just don’t understand…” Lapis sucked in a strained breath to press on, trying to ignore that Jasper’s shivering was growing more prominent.

“...But I… I _want_ to understand. But instead of trying to, I left. And… And--” Nails dug desperately into Jasper’s clothes, and her legs tried pulling her up further against the larger gem.

“--And I’m sorry.” Lapis felt the large gem’s shivering cease as she continued. “But I’m here now. I’m ready to understand.”

Jasper didn’t expect Lapis to apologize back to her. And while the soothing affection behind the words made her body relax, the comfort was only skin deep. Her stomach was still alight with anxiety and remorse; Jasper felt like she didn’t deserve an apology. She felt like this was her own fault, and that she was just making one mistake after another. The fact Lapis was the one to apologize for it only made Jasper feel even worse for everything she had done.

“Please,” the Quartz began in a low, pleading voice. “Don’t say sorry. You don’t owe me an apology for _my_ mistake.”

Those forgiving lips pressed passionately into the skin between her shoulder and neck, harboring no blame. “I do, though. Let me _understand_ , Jasper. Let me know _why_ you think we’re not more than fusion partners.”

Jasper’s hands caressed the thighs in each of her hands softly, choking out a shaky sigh that Lapis was so sympathetic. She didn’t deserve _this_. She didn’t deserve _Lapis_.

“I already _know_ we’re more than fusion partners. But I also know we’re not supposed to be,” at Jasper’s defeated words, Lapis finally tried to push back on her own accord to face her. But this time, it was the Quartz who avoided having to make eye contact, sharply turning her head up and away as her eyes squeezed shut in fear of what she’ll see on Lapis’ face.

Jasper knew her words weren’t pleasant to hear. And she wouldn’t be able to cope if she could see hurt in Lapis’ eyes from it.

“You can’t mean that, Jasper… You can’t say we’re _not_ supposed to be together! You admitted yourself we’re getting better!” The blue gem had careless disregard for Jasper’s desire to look away, and brought her hand up to harshly grip the Quartz’ chin to force the larger gem to face her. The move would’ve even been a bit unsettlingly forceful to Jasper, if it wasn’t for meeting Lapis’ dark navy eyes and finding them consumed in burning certainty. There was no speckle of doubt in them, as the smaller gem continued with an assertive, determined voice.

“You can’t keep letting us move forward when you’re regretting every step. You _know_ we’re getting better. You _know_ I want to be with you. So why do you think us being together is a _bad_ thing?!”

Fighting back the urge to break out of Lapis’ hand, Jasper hesitantly held her gaze despite it faltering with guilt. Seeing those little speckles of remorse in her eyes almost made Lapis regret being so aggressive, but she was too hell-bent on getting the Quartz to understand her point to acknowledge it. She wasn’t going to let Jasper take the blame and be the only one to feel guilty when they’ve _both_ been making mistakes.

“Lapis... You would’ve had a better life without me. If I never held you back, you would be so much happier,” whilst she murmured, Jasper tried ignoring the tiny voice in the back of her head reminding the Quartz that she would’ve never found a purpose other than fighting without Lapis in her life. If she never came back after the accident on the boat and instead left Lapis to find a better life for herself, Jasper knew she wouldn’t never try to do anything but fight. Her singular purpose would be static and meaningless, but the Quartz would’ve accepted that outcome in a heartbeat if it meant Lapis got to be happy without her.

But sadly, she can’t rewrite history; Jasper was already a scourge staining a handful of Lapis’ worse memories, and whether she like it or not, those stains can not be washed. Her kisses don’t erase the memories of hits, and her love doesn’t heal the damage of abuse.

“You can’t talk like that!” Lapis nearly shouted, making Jasper startle in surprise. “You can’t talk like you ruined my life! Jasper, I had _nothing_ before this!!”

There was a denying shake of the larger gem’s head, and she stuttered a weak retaliation. “B-But you… You had Peridot... And Steven, and… And art--”

The hand left her chin, as Lapis moved to hold either side of Jasper’s face in a steadfast caress.

“For six thousand years, all I wanted was to go _home_. Peridot, Steven, art, Earth… Nothing fixed that inside me. I would’ve left for Homeworld _again_ if I could.”

Pulling her plump lips into a frown, Jasper had obvious heartbreak playing on her features.

“You wanted to leave for Homeworld _again_ after everything that happened…? Even after Malachite…?”

The same despair started tainting Lapis’ expression.

“It was all I wanted. After Malachite, I was _still_ going to leave. The only thing that kept me here was to avoid _punishment_... Homeworld would’ve held what I did to you against me.”

Jasper always assumed Lapis was going to stay on Earth of her own free will. She thought the blue gem valued everything here over Homeworld, but instead Lapis’ sole desire was to just return home. Everything here was merely a distraction; even if she cared about Steven and lived with Peridot and enjoyed a few hobbies, nothing ever sated the drive she had to go home.

Just like nothing had ever sated Jasper’s will to fight. Until Lapis gave her something more.

With a low sigh at the recognition, the Quartz had to bite hard on her lip at her own ignorance. She was to Lapis just as Lapis was to her; Jasper had always considered the blue gem to be content on Earth as she was, but the more she thought of it the more she realized why Lapis was so adamant on returning to Homeworld.

Six thousand years. Not only was she forced to endure the torments of the war, but Lapis had to stay on the planet that it happened on. The Quartz felt so inconsiderate for never putting two and two together-- of _course_ Lapis wanted to leave. Without Jasper, she wouldn’t magically be happy. She would _still_ want to go home, she would _still_ want to mute every horrible memory of what had happened to her on Earth. But all Lapis would have at the end of the day is the little distractions that her friends and hobbies gave her.

Jasper didn’t realize her eyes were watering until she felt Lapis’ thumb soothingly swipe off the start of a hot tear rolling over her cheek.

“J-Jasper, don’t cry… I’m _happier_ like this. Please understand that…” Lapis’ voice was quivering, and whatever assertion that she had was melting away the longer she was watching how distressed the Quartz was becoming.

A broken-up chuckle responded, laced with Jasper’s own tremble. “You’re crying _too_ , Lapis,” the Quartz called out light-heartedly to the start of a few tears beading on Lapis’ lashes.

Lapis replied with a weak laugh of her own, and gave her head a little shake.

“Just t-tell me you _understand_ you make me happy. Th-then we can _both_ stop crying.” Whilst the smaller gem spoke with a tiny smile ghosting her lips, her thumb returned to wipe off another tear that was on the Quartz’ face. Jasper would’ve done the same, but instead she pulled up on Lapis’ thighs in support of the blue gem’s leverage to keep them face to face.

“I… I understand now. I’m sorry for all this, Lapis--”

The blue gem cut Jasper off with a sudden kiss, not even bothering to let her finish another apology. All she needed was for Jasper to understand. She didn’t need her to say sorry anymore.

Rather than break it, the Quartz slowly loosen the grip she had on her guilt as she let herself push back against Lapis’ lips in acceptance to their agreement.

Jasper didn’t have to feel guilty. They both made one another happier.

To show Lapis her confidence in their resolution, Jasper quickly dominated the originally chaste kiss as she captured the water gem’s bottom lip in her teeth. Lightly tugging, she carefully avoided reopening Malachite’s fang marks when she bit softly. Yet Lapis was a little less inclined to be gentle, and paid back the Quartz’ enthusiasm tenfold.

Just vaguely, Jasper felt a slender hand move behind her head to grip needily into the Quartz’ thick hair. Though Lapis hesitated on the idea, she decided not to pull the hair in favor for tangling her fingers into the thick beige locks, trying to keep the kiss passionate rather than lascivious.

But it got harder to keep it that way when the grip in her hair made Jasper release Lapis’ lip to moan deeply, of which the blue gem absentmindedly responded by reaching her free hand down the Quartz’ back to scratch vehemently over the jacket she was still wearing. When Jasper felt Lapis drop her lips down to press heatedly on her jawline, she tossed her head back with a sweet pant to invite her to the skin of her neck.

Lapis could taste the slight saltiness of her dried tears from where she pressed her lips at Jasper’s jaw. Even when the Quartz gave her the offer to move down, Lapis kept kissing around her jaw until there was no more traces of Jasper’s salty tears. After all, Lapis was more inclined to take away any remainder of Jasper’s sadness rather than forget about it in favor of decorating her neck with sloppy hickeys.

Noticing, Jasper gave a low chuckle, and let the blue gem do away with her dried tears when she replaced them with tender kisses. The Quartz brought her head back down to face her, allowing Lapis to trail higher up to her cheekbone since the smaller gem wasn’t going to move down to her neck until she was finished.

Purposefully, Lapis gazed into her golden eyes from where she was, keeping their eye contact as she slowed her kisses down affectionately. Watching her, Jasper couldn’t help but give a slight smile when she felt a swell of adoration for her lover. After all, the gesture was too endearing for her not to smile, seeing as to how devoted Lapis was to take all her tears away.

Long after the last hint of saltiness was gone from Jasper’s face, the press of her lips continued into soft brushes on her cheek. From their locked gaze, the Quartz noted the little glimmer in Lapis’ navy eyes in victory to taking away every remnant of Jasper’s sorrow.

At that, she moved to end it with loving peck on the tip of Jasper’s gem, taking the Quartz off-guard. The larger gem broke out a pleasant little gasp to having her stone so tenderly brushed against with Lapis’ soft lips, and it made the blue gem smirk when she finally pulled back.

“I love you, Jasper.” She sweetly concluded with a murmur.

It earned another winsome smile from the Quartz, who again tilted back her head for Lapis to move onto her neck now that her little quest was over.

Jasper just barely panted as those soft lips once again came down on her skin.

“I love you too, Lapis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm gonna start tying in canon stuff now, starting with the corrupted gems from Gem Hunt. And I'm gonna bring Malachite back too because I love her and she deserve her own personality at this point.
> 
> Sorry once again that this chapter was late and all, but I should be back on schedule now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be feeling better by tomorrow, because then I can just jump straight back into it all.
> 
> I hope this chapter wasn't so bad, but I'll love to hear what you guys think. 
> 
> Anyways, expect an update by next Friday if all goes as planned <3 <3


	9. Ocean Inside Your Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malachite has been on Lapis' mind ever since her talk with Steven and Peridot, and she struggles to bring up the idea of fusion with Jasper again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look, I'm actually updating this. I was actually going through my old documents to find a old fic idea I remember jotting down and I stumbled upon this half-written chapter and I suddenly remembered I promised to update this once Not Okay was over. So here, tada, I did it, please don't be mad its so late. Actually at this point go ahead and be mad, I mean I kinda deserve it.
> 
> Anywho, looks like I'm raising this fic back from the dead. I hope I still have an audience for it lmaooooo

The afternoon was rolling by faster than Lapis had anticipated. Today’s evening visit was growing closer and closer, but the blue gem had yet to bring up Malachite to Jasper. She wanted to help Steven, and she wanted to be able to fuse with Jasper again-- yet the sun dragged to its peak in the sky and she still hadn’t spoken a word of fusion to the Quartz. Lapis originally told herself she’ll do it by noon, but leave it to Jasper to fall asleep and give the blue gem an excuse to put it off.  
  
The barn’s TV was on, but the volume was a soft background hum with how low Lapis set it to not wake Jasper. Her eyes weren’t even fixed upon the screen; rather, her navy irises were filled with uncertainty as she studied the Quartz’ relaxed features as she slept.  
  
Those soft, plump lips were slightly parted in her deep slumber, and Lapis could just barely hear Jasper’s slow and deep breaths leisurely filling her lungs. Gems didn’t need to breath (although taking in air when they're awake was necessary for them to speak), yet in her sleep Jasper still methodically drew in long breaths, evenly paced as if she actually needed the air. Lapis wondered if she did so because of Malachite, unconsciously assuring herself she wasn't underwater. Whimpering in guilt at the thought, Lapis knew the damage from being locked at the bottom ocean for so long was still strong enough in Jasper’s mind to infect the habits of her sleep. Yet somehow, sleep was probably as relaxed and at ease the Quartz could ever be.  
  
The sun was already beginning its dip, rolling off of its peak to indicated the height of the day was over. With a stifled sigh, Lapis slouched further into the curve of the Quartz’ torso, feeling the comforting encase of Jasper’s large arm around her coaxing her to close her eyes and put off the whole Malachite situation. But unlike the Quartz, Lapis wasn’t a fan of sleeping off her problems-- or sleeping in general, in all honestly.  
  
Though, it did look quite tempting.  
  
Jasper felt so warm to be against, and only when she is asleep like this does all her muscles relax and soften into the ideal sleeping partner. Whilst awake, she tends to be quite tense, and Lapis could feel in all their embraces and holds how firm and hard her muscles are, taut along her body as if ready for battle.  
  
But when Jasper is asleep, her body finally relaxes. She becomes the softest, warmest gem Lapis could ever recall touching. It’s so easy to get lost, and convince herself she could spare a few hours to nuzzle against the Quartz and join her in a lazy slumber… but today, Lapis can’t give in.  
  
They need to talk about Malachite. And the water gem’s little self-promise of having this over by noon was already foiled, so she mentally pressured herself to do it now.  
  
Huffing in discontent that she has to prioritize her responsibilities over a warm snuggle, Lapis blindly reached over the large arm encasing her and felt around the chilly floor for the remote. Not being able to see over Jasper’s bicep whilst she did so, Lapis kept to the fruitless groping around until she sighed in defeat that she was going to have to get up.  
  
With a little push with her free hand, the water gem begrudgingly sat up with a groan, before retrieving the TV remote and flashing off the background hum.  
  
Distractions aside and finally upright, Lapis gave a little look over to see if her movement had disrupted Jasper.  
  
There was another groan from the water gem. It hadn’t, meaning Lapis was going to have to wake Jasper herself.  
  
Her slender hand reached out to brush a stray lock of wild beige hair out of the Quartz’ face, absentmindedly curving her lip into a soft smile in admiration to how peaceful Jasper seemed in her sleep. Taking a short breath, Lapis tapped her shoulder before she could coax herself out of waking her.  
  
But the Quartz didn’t stir.  
  
“Jasper…?” Her voice was an overly gentle whisper as she tapped again, more forceful this time.  
  
There was a rumbling moan, but Jasper didn’t even bother to open her eyes.  
  
“Shhh, go back to sleep…” Slurring her little words, Jasper gave a drowsy yank on the arm Lapis was leaning on, effectively bringing the water gem to fall back down, landing against the Quartz’ broad frame with a huff of surprise.  
  
The moment Lapis’ body collapsed against her, Jasper engulfed the smaller gem with both of her massive arms to cement her in an embrace, making an affectionate ‘mmn’ as she locked Lapis against her.  
  
“I’ve been awake,” the water gem muffled in correction, only half sure if Jasper even heard her what with how she was pressed up against the Quartz. She found her answer when there was a slight push back so that the larger gem could look down at her, opening her sleepy golden eyes with a little crease of her brow. She did hear.  
  
“There’s something I kinda wanna ask you,” Lapis slowly began, and it ignited a glint of interest in the Quartz’s eyes. Her plump lips pulled slightly back in a small frown, curious.  
  
“Are you trying to ask me about something bad?” The larger gem murmured in slight concern, immediately working up a weight of worry in her stomach for what could be so important that Lapis woke her up for it.  
  
Blinking twice, the water gem broke out a little chuckle. “No. Nothing bad.”  
  
A relieved smiled warmly ghosted the Quartz’ lips, and she immediately moved to her next deduction for being woken so suddenly.  
  
“Are you trying to ask me for sex?” Despite the sleepiness still heavy in her voice, Jasper ended her inquiry with a little smirk.  
  
There was another laugh from Lapis. “You wish.”  
  
With a groggy whine, Jasper pressed Lapis fully against her again, closing her eyes back shut while she did so.  
  
“If it’s not something bad and it’s not sex, then it can wait. Get some sleep, Lapis.”  
  
Grumbling against the massive gem, two slender hands came up to push against the broad chest Lapis was being pressed against. While it was true that they could probably doze off the afternoon and talk about this later, it was bothersome enough to Lapis that they discuss it as soon as possible.  
  
Feeling the feeble resistance against her, Jasper reluctantly released the lithe gem, whom only used the freedom to push back enough to initiate eye contact with the more massive, slightly concerned gem.  
  
“Hm? What's wrong, Lapis?” The low voice was more alert this time, no longer slurring the words into a drowsy mess. Jasper wasn't going to dismiss Lapis if she honestly really did want to ask her something.  
  
The smaller gem caught a lungful of cool air as she absentmindedly looked away.  
  
“I kinda wanted to know, how… h-how do you feel when you're fused with me? Do you... _like_ being Malachite…?”  
  
There was a relieved chuckle, deep and genuine.  
  
“Malachite’s great. We're so powerful together, it's amazing.” Jasper sounded borderline nostalgic as she praised their fusion, kneading a hand energetically into Lapis’ back from where it was wrapped behind her. But the smaller gem furrowed her brow with a discontent frown; Lapis already knew Jasper ravished the sheer power of their fusion, but that wasn't what she was asking.  
  
“No, no… Jasper, how do you _feel_ as Malachite? Like does it feel good being fused with me?” Lapis knew she easily dominated their fusion’s mind and body over the Quartz, and she also knew she had a bad habit of stealing Jasper’s control and invalidating her consent while doing so. And sadly, the Quartz has already proven before that she's willing to cede her control and comfort just for the enthralling sensation of sharing Lapis’ immense power. Just like back on the boat, when she was so desperate to taste that power again that she begged Lapis to take her back into an abusive and painful fusion.  
  
Yet Lapis didn’t want her to feel like that. She didn’t want Jasper to feel like she has to give up her comfort and consent by fusing with her.  
  
The pleasant expression on the Quartz’ face dropped off with a little frown, and the gravity of the question finally sunk in. Hesitating, she took a deep breath, and forced out another smile, although this time way less genuine. It looked stressed and tense.  
  
“Malachite makes me feel strong. I like being with you like that.” The strength those words should’ve carried was faltering with Jasper’s own doubts; while she really did enjoy being with Lapis when they’re fused, the water gem’s control was suffocating. It didn’t take much effort from the smaller gem to push the Quartz down and under the boundary of control when they’re Malachite, and although Jasper’s comfort with Lapis has improved tremendously as of late, the fall out of their last fusion episode echoed embedded fears into the Quartz’ subconsciousness.  
  
She knows Lapis didn’t mean it. Lapis even released her from their fusion the moment she realized she was usurping Jasper’s control and forcing her to stay in Malachite. But that didn’t change the fact that even as far as they’ve come, something as bad as that could still happen. They aren't immune to accidents just because they're in love.  
  
Although she cherishes and trusts Lapis, deeply entrenched memories and fears still fester. Even with the fairly positive impact they last had when they were both in power of Malachite, all that took to turn the good experience into a bad one was for the last few minutes where Lapis stole her control. The first experience as Malachite was painful enough, but for her control to be taken again like that for the second time-- it was like reaffirming every voice in Jasper’s head that told her she’s weak.  
  
All those voices are still there, even if they don't bother the Quartz as much anymore. As a matter of fact, none of the horrible feelings inside her never tended to leave. It’s not even like the ache in her abdomen ever left either; Jasper just learned to ignore it. Ignoring all the bad things was easier than being distraught over them.  
  
Frowning in discontent with Jasper’s answer, the smaller gem pushed back even more out of their embrace. She wanted the Quartz to answer her honestly, and not just throw out the answer she wants herself to believe.  
  
“That doesn’t mean it feels good. Even if you feel strong, you can also feel bad.”  
  
As if she was insulted that Lapis dare question her response, Jasper knitted her brow in mild irritation and groaned defensively.  
  
“It doesn’t matter how I feel. Malachite’s incredible.”  
  
With her words being enough confirmation of Jasper’s discomfort, Lapis brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “No, not if she makes you feel _bad_. Jasper, how could you even say that??”  
  
The was a begrudging sigh, with the Quartz detesting Lapis’ criticism of their fusion. “Why do you care, Lapis?? Why all of a sudden you hate Malachite?? Me feeling bad as her isn’t exactly a new thing.”  
  
The verbal reminder of Jasper’s history with their fusion constricted Lapis’ throat with an influx of guilt.  
  
Her slender hand slid down off her nose to cover her mouth, as Lapis was trying to downplay the little tremble of her bottom lip. She didn’t mean to offend Jasper; she didn’t know the Quartz was going to defend their mess-of-a-fusion so fervently. The conversation was unintentionally turning a bit heated, and the smaller gem hesitantly removed her hand from covering her mouth so that she could tenderly reach out to Jasper. The hand settled on the curve of her shoulder, running gentle circles over the tense muscle Lapis found there. Not too long ago, they would’ve been serenely relaxed in the Quartz’ slumber.  
  
The harrowing guilt weighed denser inside her, regretting that she woke Jasper up to begin with.  
  
“I just… I want to be able to fuse with you.” An exhausted sigh followed, and Lapis leaned back into the embrace to express that this wasn’t something she wanted to argue about. It was a question of Jasper’s comfort with putting herself in the position where Lapis could seize control over her and Malachite. Lapis wasn’t going to argue with her if Jasper ends up not being comfortable just yet with fusing again; comfort wasn’t something that should be rushed. They’ve already learned that lesson a few times over, and Malachite isn’t going to be _another_ example.  
  
But the stress on Jasper’s face dropped away at that, and her eyes softened.  
  
“Are you… Asking to fuse with me again?”  
  
The voice was quiet, and genuinely inquiring if that was what Lapis actually wanted. The blue gem couldn’t distinguish whether or not there was a unlying veil of excitement or dread in it, but either which way it held a heavy weight in each word.  
  
Shying away from the thought that it might be dread, Lapis nuzzled her forehead against Jasper’s chest to avoid the chance that she’ll see a lurking fear in her golden eyes to the thought of fusion.  
  
“I… I am. B-but, it’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable with it just yet--”  
  
“No, no. I’ll like to try again,” Jasper offered a soft rub down Lapis’ back to fortify her response, conveying her genuine interest in attempting to fuse again. The Quartz wanted Malachite to be a good experience, and if that took her making a little step out her comfort zone, then she was going to do that.  
  
Almost out of surprise, Lapis tilted her head up to meet Jasper’s eyes. But she saw in their soften edges that she honestly did want to fuse.  
  
“Really…? Are you _sure_ you’re fine with it??” The smaller gem pestered for reaffirmation, and that earned a little lighthearted chuckle from Jasper, who pulled Lapis up against her to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.  
  
“Of course. I’ll admit I’m a bit worried, but whatever happens… We’ll make it work.”  
  
At Jasper’s words, Lapis’ concerns mellowed out with a slight smile. Her voice was more grounded and reassured when she responded.  
  
“I promise I won’t keep you fused. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I'll let you go.”  
  
Her offer made the Quartz smile, slight yet strong.  
  
“You don’t have to promise me anything, Lapis. I won’t get mad if you panic, but just… try to let me retain a _little_ control, okay?” Jasper didn’t want the other gem to fret over the prospect of slipping up, and wanted to convey her understanding for any spur-of-the-moment mistakes. Even if those mistakes were the very core of Jasper’s fear of fusing again.  
  
Immediately, Lapis gave a quick nod. “Of course!”  
  
With an endearing smile, Jasper responded with a little sigh and finally released the smaller gem from her embrace to sit up, tossing a glance over to Lapis when she didn’t get up off the floor right away with her.  
  
“Are we doing this now?”  
  
The smaller gem sloppily pushed herself up too, feigning her confidence with a little smile that came off as more nervous than reassured. “Y-yeah, if that's fine with you.”  
  
In all honesty, Lapis didn’t expect Jasper to be this willing to fuse. But as soon as she knew it, they were both on their feet and straightening up for a dance. Although it was unspoken, both of them were treating it with an immense respect that didn’t go into their last two fusion incidents. The Quartz was smoothing her hair and brushing down the front of her uniform, as if any of it would impact Malachite, whilst Lapis took to readjusting her skirt and pulling slightly down on her halter top to fit her properly. The little absentminded adjustments steadied out both of their nerves, and the smaller gem heard an audible sigh from Jasper.  
  
“Ready?” The larger gem offered, take a broad stance and offering out a hand to lead their dance.  
  
Blinking twice, Lapis stared at the inviting hand gently outstretched towards her, and swallowed down a lump in her throat when her skin became alight with awareness. A tremoring chill veiled over her whole body in anticipation to losing herself in a tangle of her and Jasper’s light, and Lapis found herself straightening back her shoulders to downplay the goosebumps decorating her skin.  
  
Rather than replying, there was a slow nod from Lapis, reaching out and settling her hand atop Jasper’s palm.  
  
In a smooth motion, the Quartz’ large fingers enclosed softly around the smaller hand, pressing hard enough to establish a hold but keeping it soft enough to be tenderly sweet. With a gentle yank, she pulled the smaller gem in closer, of which Lapis followed with a light twirl on the ball of her feet.  
  
Their dance flowed so fluidly that the blue gem didn’t even have to halt her own spinning; when her body aligned in front of Jasper’s, she felt the larger gem’s hand stop her above the hip. The silhouette of their bodies took to a choreographed tempo when the hand at Lapis’ hip moved up, sailing over the curve of her torso like a boat over the surface of a wave, and the blue gem resisted the urge to sink into the warmth ghosting over her flank.  
  
Nevertheless, she couldn’t stifle the slight lean to that direction, and Jasper held on tighter with the hand she had gripping Lapis’ to support the smaller gem’s weight.  
  
With the trust anchor in the grip Jasper had on her, Lapis went for a dip, and the warm free hand Jasper had over her side obliged as a net of security when the smaller gem arched into it.  
  
With the dip, Lapis broke the hold of her and Jasper’s hand, extending it back into her sensual arch. With eyes shut tight, her body relaxed in anticipation for their light to fuse.  
  
But they didn’t.  
  
Their tempo broke up when nothing happened, and Lapis had to reach her hand back to hold onto Jasper’s arm as a desperate move to steady herself. Catching on, the larger gem made a little noise of confusion as she helped Lapis raise from her arch, and when Lapis opened her eyes in bewilderment, she realized from the curious knit of the Quartz’ brow and her little frown that Jasper was just as bemused as her.  
  
With a sudden disappointment sigh, Jasper looked away with downcast eyes.  
  
“We… didn’t fuse.”  
  
There was a flustered flutter of lashes when Lapis blinked thrice, responding with a breathless huff. “Did we not do it right?”  
  
“We should’ve, I mean we put more effort in than last time,” Jasper offered with a soft shrug, readjusting her hold so Lapis could stand up on her own.  
  
The smaller gem responded with a tiny frown, upset that it didn’t work and beyond confused what could’ve been different. They were so close now, after all, so if anything it should’ve been easier to fuse. Yet somehow, their affectionate little dance failed while their previous fusion dance of heated coercion and disorderly decisions was able to succeed. And whilst that may have been the only other time they purposefully tried to fuse, the Malachite accident during Jasper’s and Garnet’s fight also beats out their lovely little dance.  
  
Comparing the two successful times they’ve fused to their failure just now, Lapis gave a soft gasp when she realized why it didn’t work.  
  
Jasper noticed, and gave a cock of her head, awaiting some sort of explanation for their disappointing dance.  
  
“I… I don’t think we were as passionate.”  
  
The was a little scoff as the Quartz settle her weight onto her hip.  
  
“What are you talking about? We were great.”  
  
Lapis shook her head in correction. “No, I mean the last two times were kinda, I guess you would say, _emotionally intense_? The first time, we were in a panic from the Homeworld warship crashing. The second time, you and Garnet were fighting, and I was scared half to death you'd get hurt.”  
  
With a lurch of realization, the irritation on Jasper’s face faded, and her eyes widen a bit in surprise. Lapis was right; both times they’ve successfully fused, they were in extremely taxing situations. A leisurely dance doesn’t quite compare to fuse two gems as different as they were.  
  
“Of fucking _course_ it wasn’t going to work.” Jasper resentfully groaned, stepping back with a cold cross of her arms. The irritation returned full-force, amplified with the Quartz’ frustrations that they couldn’t even pull off something as simple as a fusion dance.  
  
Moving to reassure her, Lapis offered out a hand onto Jasper’s forearm, but the Quartz bitterly shrugged it off.  
  
“Stop that, we fused before and we can fuse again! We just… We just gotta…”  
  
“Put ourselves in grief? Stress ourselves out enough to fuse??” Jasper cut in pessimistically, and Lapis frowned at her interruption.  
  
“No, Jasper, knock it off. Emotionally intense doesn’t have to mean bad.” To mend the gap the upset Quartz was fracturing between them, Lapis took the softer approach of tenderly enwrapping Jasper into an embrace, reaching as far around her large waist as possible to hold her close.  
  
The massive gem between her arms relaxed a bit from her touch, and allowed herself to softly reciprocate the loving embrace Lapis was offering. It was hard to stay mad when the blue gem was combating the Quartz’ anger with tenderness.  
  
“We’re still new at this, Jasper. It’s not that we can’t fuse, we just got to get creative to make it work. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Her voice was a lot softer than the larger gem anticipated, and she let out a shaky exhale to ease of some of her agitation. Her anger was getting the best of her again, but Jasper was reminded from Lapis that there was no reason to be mad. They can make this work. Malachite can still be salvaged from the strained situation this has become.  
  
With a little mutter of an apology on her breath, the Quartz tighten their embrace.  
  
“You’re right, I just thought it’ll be easy…” An exhausted little sigh broke up her words, and with every breath Jasper felt herself easing up. “...But even if it isn’t, we’ll fuse one way or another. What kind of jasper would I be if I gave up now?”  
  
The Quartz purposefully smiled at her own light-hearted words, and it coaxed a little chuckle from Lapis that Jasper was always so insistent on referencing her prideful caste.  
  
“Maybe we could try watching an emotional movie? That might get us in the right mindset.” The smaller gem pondered off, trying to get them back on track. It was already decided that they were going to fuse, and Lapis and Jasper weren’t going to call it quits so early.  
  
Jasper gave a short chuckle. “Human entertainment? Ha--! No way I’m getting emotional over that.”  
  
With an amused roll of her eyes, Lapis gave another moment to think. “Origami got pretty intense last time we tried it. Maybe…”  
  
The smaller gem felt a reflexive tense from the larger gem, and jumped to take it back. She probably shouldn’t have reminded Jasper about that.  
  
“...Or maybe not. Sorry. Bad idea.”  
  
“It’s fine.” The Quartz hushly responded, although she gave a low sigh to shake off the unnerving memory. After all, there were ways to get emotionally riled up without getting into a stressful situation, even if distress was one of the more quicker routes to get into the emotionally intense mindset it’ll take to fuse. It wasn’t like emotional intensity was exclusively a bad thing; it could be a good, positive thing too.  
  
Suddenly, an idea sparked in the back of Jasper’s mind, and she made a little smirk before offering it.  
  
“Maybe we could try making love?”  
  
Taking it as a joke, Lapis gave a chuckle. “Jasper, be serious.”  
  
Yet the larger gem pulled back, breaking their embrace to face Lapis with an ecstatic glint in her bright, golden eyes. The endearing depth in her iris spindles made the water gem retrospectively aware of Jasper’s word choice-- she’s usually quite crude, and calls it ‘fucking’. Never ‘making love’.  
  
“Oh trust me, I’m pretty serious.” Jasper spoke with a flash of her teeth as she grinned.  
  
Widening her eyes in intrigue, the smaller gem returned the smile, although with a hint of amusement behind it. “You really think something like that could work??”  
  
The Quartz gave a careless shrug. “Worst that could happen is we have a good time. I'd say there's no harm in trying. Whadda say?”  
  
The water gem’s eyes lit up with a lascivious glint of azure, and Jasper felt her slender fingers grip into the hard muscle of her back. Tugging down fabric beneath her fingertips with what little slack Jasper’s skin-tight uniform had, she engaged the Quartz’ question with her actions rather than her words; Lapis wanted to be pulled up.  
  
“Hmm? I didn’t hear a yes,” Jasper teased as she denied Lapis’ non-verbal request to be lifted. She wanted to hear it first.  
  
Lapis made a low noise, somewhere stuck between a groan at Jasper’s games with her and a little moan at the prospect of this actually happening. But her excitement overflowed the edge of her composure, and since Jasper wasn't obliging to her efforts, she was going to have to make her enthusiasm louder.  
  
“Pull me up.” Rather than playing submissive and letting Jasper lead this, Lapis growled her words out like a command rather than a request.  
  
Appalled by Lapis' dominance, the Quartz challenged her with a deep chuckle, unwilling to relinquish her role just yet. To her, there was more fun in topping Lapis and getting herself worked up in the process. So if Lapis really wanted to play dominant, she was going to have to fight for it.  
  
“That doesn’t sound very polite, Lapis. Try again.” With an intimidating flash of her canines, Jasper grinned wide, teasing the blue gem by kneading her hand over the small of her back.  
  
But rather than finding Lapis' eyes melted into a hazy mess of desperation, they were instead fortified with her attitude, and she returned an equally intimidating glare when her eyes narrowed.  
  
Before Jasper could open her mouth to coo and taunt her further, Lapis reached up to hold Jasper’s shoulders as she jumped, momentarily summoning her water wings to help her get high enough to wrap her legs around the Quartz’s waist without help. Taken aback by the assertion, Jasper lost her hold on Lapis as she made a breathless huff of surprise, only to be cut off when the smaller gem clashed her lips onto Jasper’s.  
  
The attack was short-lived, with the Quartz breaking the rough kiss with a smirk, finally catching up to Lapis' pace and lending a hand beneath her to help support her weight. Yet, to her surprise, Lapis didn’t sink any of her weight onto Jasper’s hand, and elected to hold herself up independently.  
  
In her position, she pressed up on Jasper’s shoulders rather than hold around them, allowing Lapis to be the one to look down on the massive Quartz.  
  
Although there was a dominating gleam in her eyes, Jasper could see the endearing tones in her navy irises. She tried to hold back a smile and keep to her pride, but it was just too adorable that she could still see Lapis’ love and affection beneath her upsurge for dominance.  
  
“Head back, Jasper.” Another command found it’s way on Lapis' tongue, and although she tried to narrow her eyes intimidatingly, she nearly lost it when she saw the corner of Jasper’s lip twitch to stifle a smile.  
  
“You’re too cute,” finally breaking up and beaming a delightful smile across her face, Jasper gushed her adoration, though without any tease in her tone. It was just too much to not say; in the former soldier's eyes, it was hard to follow along when she could see such obvious affection in the eyes of the gem currently trying to dominate her.  
  
“I said, _head back_.” With a sudden yank, Lapis caught a fistful of Jasper’s wild, beige locks and pulled back, making the Quartz indecently yelp with surprise.  
  
Without giving Jasper a chance to process everything, Lapis leaned down and attacked her exposed neck, leaving more bites than kisses. Although the muscle under her teeth was tense, Lapis was merciless to leave more than a few marks.  
  
Despite the lack of control, Jasper still found herself moaning, deep and low. So low, in fact, that she tried to hide the obvious enjoyment she was having; biting hard on her plump bottom lip, she stifled the euphoric noise to salvage what little composure she had left.  
  
Yet Jasper’s agenda didn't go over well with Lapis, who could feel the soft rumbling beneath her mouth. Noticing that Jasper was holding back, she ceased her little nips to draw her tongue up her neck, soothing the sting of her bites. Once she reached Jasper’s jawline, she planted a sweet kiss, softening the grip she had on her hair.  
  
“I’ll play nice if you let me hear you. Moan for me, Jasper.” Lapis purred her words, brushed her warm lips along the sharp jawline before her. She decorated it with little pecks, showing she could be sensational and sweet if Jasper stops fighting her for dominance.  
  
Eyes narrowing in debate, Jasper rolled her head forward, feeling Lapis loosen her hold enough to do so. Those bright navy eyes met her, filled with eagerness and enthrallment. And that alone was nearly enough to make Jasper submit, just to see the joy that’ll fill Lapis' eyes to win.  
  
“And if I refuse?” The Quartz asked, softly yet teasingly, pushing up the hand she had under Lapis to get beneath her skirt and rub her upper thigh.  
  
“If you refuse, then I’ll _make_ you moan.” More kisses trailed along Jasper’s jaw, soft and loving, trying to convince the Quartz to let her top.  
  
Absentmindedly, Jasper moaned, just from the warm breath she could feel on her cheek when Lapis spoke. Too far in to take it back, Jasper bowed her head a bit, and pulled her jaw away from those heavenly kisses so that she could nuzzle into Lapis' shoulder. After all, she was getting a little too worked up, and was finally ready to accept that Lapis was going to lead. It only seemed fair after their last session, since Jasper predominantly held control over it.  
  
“There we go…” Lapis murmured, loosening the grip she had on Jasper’s hair to snake behind her neck and hold the Quartz’s nape. Complying, Jasper responded with another low moan, dotting Lapis' shoulder with needy kisses.  
  
Closing her eyes and tilting her head back, Lapis let out a breathless gasp to the soft, plump lips leaving lovely little kisses all over her shoulder. Encouraging the Quartz, Lapis kept her legs tight around Jasper’s waist so she could drag her free hand off the Quartz’s shoulder. Rather, her hand ghosted down, blinding feeling over Jasper’s collar bone and stopping at the top of her breasts. Kneading around, Lapis heard Jasper needily groan again from the sensation, and rewarded her for the noise by pushing her hand beneath the skin-tight uniform.  
  
Jasper’s breathing hitched, and Lapis could feel the large Quartz struggle to push up into the touch.  
  
“On the ground.” Although it was meant to be an offer to make their position easier for Jasper, Lapis still couldn’t help the authority in her tone while she spoke. But when the Quartz pulled back off her neck, her golden eyes flashed a bright swell of sublime rapture. Her lips pulled back into a smirk.  
  
“Hm? Oh, of course, Lapis. _Whatever_ you want.” Lapis ignored that Jasper kept a semblance of charge in her voice, and felt those large hands run up her thighs to hold onto her slender hips, prepping to help lift Lapis off her.  
  
Yet before Jasper could get a firm hold over Lapis' waist, the blue gem had already pushed back and off the large Quartz, summoning her water wings once more to flutter gracefully to the ground without aid. Blinking thrice in surprise, Jasper chuckled that Lapis was so adamant on proving her ability to lead, and leaned her heavy weight onto her hip with her arms folded across her broad chest.  
  
“I bet you’re loving this, aren’t you?” Jasper ended her words with a little smile, watching Lapis step up to her and rest a hand up on the curve of her forearm. Ever-so-slightly, she pressed down, allowing the gesture to be a request moreso than a command from what little strength she actually had to push the massive Quartz down.  
  
Entertaining her, Jasper chuckled and unfold her arms, slowly sitting down on the floor and obliging to Lapis' desires. Yet they both knew it wasn’t a good idea to put Jasper on her back, what with the sour memories that position still washes up; rather, without a word, the Quartz tilted her head up at Lapis with a bit of caution in her eyes. And with a loving smile, Lapis reached a hand onto Jasper’s cheek, and drew an acknowledging circle with her thumb.  
  
“You can stay there. Just spread your legs a bit for me.”  
  
Relief dulled the edge of Jasper’s caution, and her thighs were already parting open without a second thought by the time Lapis settled down on the floor with her, moving to straddle one. Jasper could feel the water gem sit her full weight on top her thigh, and barely stifled a euphoric groan in the back of her throat to feeling Lapis' wet warmth press through the fabric of her panties onto her thigh.  
  
Despite giving Lapis the impression she was allowing her to lead, Jasper tauntingly gave her leg a little bounce, earning a little cry of pleasure from Lapis as she defensively clung onto the Quartz’s shoulders.  
  
Chuckling, Jasper held around her steadily, listening to the water gem faintly whine at the tease. Ever-so-slightly, despite her uniform buffering some of the sensation, Jasper felt Lapis' hips barely twitch with the temptation of shifting around, yet holding back with a frustrated groan as she buried her face into Jasper’s shoulder.  
  
“Aww, what’s wrong, Lapis? Don’t you wanna ask me to do that again?” Painstakingly slower than before, Jasper bounced her thigh again, hearing another short cry of joy chip away at Lapis' composure. But instead of melting the water gem into a whining mess, she instead pushed up and bit the Quartz’s already abused neck in retaliation.  
  
“Don’t try and take control back, Jasper. It’s already mine.” Paying a few more hickeys and bruises into the nook of the Quartz’s neck and shoulder, Lapis restated her position in this. She wanted to make Jasper come first.  
  
Before the thigh beneath her could try and tease another bounce, Lapis aggressively cupped beneath one of the large breasts in front of her, making Jasper be the one to whine this time. When the small thumb on that hand fumbled around in little searching circles, the larger gem arched up into the touch, whimpering when she felt Lapis get closer and closer to what she was looking for.  
  
Jasper didn't notice her nipples were hard until Lapis pinched one through the fabric, and Jasper held her breath to soak in the tight pressure. With a dominating chuckle, the water gem slightly twisted it between her fingers, trying to overwhelm Jasper enough to make her cry out in desperation. But all the Quartz did pant heatedly, arching into the touch with a burning desire to just tear her own top off then and there.  
  
“L-Lapis…” Moaning submissively against the lithe gem, Jasper finally gave up, and mentally recognized that the fight was over. Lapis has won.  
  
But losing didn't feel so bad. On a battlefield to her enemy, Jasper would fight tooth and nail with all her power to win, never giving up and keeping to her cause. Yet with Lapis, it felt so sweet to lose, so nice to have the burden of power and leadership become someone else’s problem for a little bit. Although she'll never admit it to her lover, Jasper absolutely loved when Lapis asserted her dominance, even over something as small as a love-making session.  
  
“Say it again…” Lapis commanded, nipping softly at the Quartz’s neck as she pinched and twisted her nipple around. Rolling her head back, Jasper whimpered at the pleasurable yet dominating bites Lapis left on her neck, absentmindedly pushing her hips up towards the water gem. The warmth between her thighs felt wet and throbbing, and her canted hips begged Lapis to touch her a little lower.  
  
“Lapis… oh, _Lapis_ …” Jasper obediently moaned again, just as she felt a gratifying press against her groin to reward her for the noise.  
  
She sucked in a sudden groan, half surprised and half enthralled. For a few oblivious seconds, Jasper ignorantly wondered how Lapis was so attentive. How could she even reach far enough down to touch her--  
  
A pit of horror unexpectedly dropped into the Quartz’s stomach, and with a fearful gasp, she hastily looked down at her lap.  
  
Lapis’ knee was lodged up between her thighs, give a slow little grind of stimulation against Jasper’s covered vulva. But just the sight of Lapis’ slender blue knee pressed up between her legs woke up some old alarms in Jasper's head that she thought were shut off.  
  
It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt and she's going to rip and her walls are going to get torn open from the inside just like they were before--  
  
“S-STOP--!! LAPIS, _STOP_!!!”  
  
With the shock of her sudden flashback, Jasper defensively pushed against Lapis, finding her muscles numb and somehow unable to even budge the small gem. And for a split second, that terrifying ache shot up in her abdomen, and Jasper wholeheartedly believed Lapis wasn't going to get off if the Quartz couldn't push her. Hips pulling back in fear and remorse, Jasper desperately tried to get that knee off her.  
  
The second Lapis realized Jasper was screaming and squirming out of fear, she withdrew herself in a heartbeat and scrambled off the larger gem, generously leaving a couple feet between them.  
  
“J-Jasper…? I'm sorry, d-did I do something wrong…?” The Quartz was pushing her legs close and pressing her hands down over her lap, shaking her head quickly when she realized she had just screamed at her lover for no reason. Lapis wasn't going to force her knee up her. She wouldn't hurt her like that again. She loved Jasper.  
  
But for that split second, when Jasper saw her slender blue leg pushing itself up between her thighs, she sincerely believed Lapis was going to try and force it inside.  
  
Dismayed and realizing her shamefully relapse, Jasper quickly smeared a hand up on her face, hiding the start of a few early tears to try and seem composed.  
  
“N-no, I'm fine, I-I don't know why I said that--”  
  
The tense of her thighs squeezing together was noticeable to the water gem, and she finally sucked in a guilty draw of air when she realized what had happened. Jasper saw her knee pressed up between her legs, and panicked because the last time Lapis’ knee was there she was trying to force it inside the larger gem.  
  
Trying to hide her own watery eyes, Lapis immediately reached a consoling hand on Jasper’s back, soothingly rubbing and apologizing and trying to figure out what went through her head when she thought that putting her knee up against Jasper’s groin was okay. It was just so mindless and natural, but whenever the two of them tried to act without thinking, they only ended up hurting each other.  
  
“It's f-fine, really I-I didn't mean to panic, it's o-okay--” Jasper was fighting back tears as she responded, insisting that there wasn't a reason she would be uncomfortable with Lapis’ knee between her legs, insisting that there wasn't a reason they should be afraid of each other.  
  
A sudden realization hit Lapis, and she dipped her head down with a shallow sob as her hand froze against Jasper’s back. Really, she shouldn't have been the one to start sobbing first considering the circumstances, but she just couldn't help it. Lapis realized why they couldn't make Malachite when they actually tried.  
  
They didn't trust each other. They were using their love like a safety net and messing around with things they probably shouldn't. But at some core, deeply embedded level, Lapis and Jasper still weren’t over what happened between them.  
  
Perhaps they were healed enough to have sex. To say ‘I love you’ to one another, to fall asleep in another's arms. That alone took a myriad of trust.  
  
But that doesn't mean they forgot what they did to each other.  
  
Now it was Jasper who was concerningly asking what's wrong, reaching out to Lapis to stop her agitated weeping, to comfort her while needing comfort herself.  
  
If only she knew what Lapis had just realized.  
  
They’ll _never_ be able to leave their history behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang I kinda miss these two. So happy together yet so sad.
> 
> Soooo I'm just gonna sporadically update this now from here on out, kinda adopted more than a few other fics since this has been started. Hopefully the next update won't take a godawful amount of time.
> 
> Love to hear if anyone still reads this, because I do actually have an end in sight for this story to lead to c:


End file.
